How I came to be the way I am

As I was looking at old pictures today I realized something about my emotional life. The story is as follows: I saw a really good picture of myself and wanted to show it to a specific person. The thing is, this specific person is no longer in my life and when I thought about it I realized that no such people were in my life anymore. There are at least 2 unarguably important people that I've lost and they were the basis for my emotional life when it was healthy. Neither of those was actually my girlfriend, as strange as it may seem.
Why the picture affected me so is that on this picture I was smiling. Knowing myself, I immediately concluded that someone had told me to smile. This kind of emotional support is something that I currently don't have and as such it's a major factor in what I've become.

One other thing I noticed was that my hair on this picture is very different from what it's usually like. I don't like asymmetry, but in this case it worked really well. I remember how people treated me at the time. It felt unusually good to have this much positive attention.
As a result I now realize what gives L her emotional strength. She cares a lot about how she appears to people and thus also gets lots of emotional support. This may as well be how she has managed to be so energetic and thus the reason for how I was effectively more intelligent when talking to her.
It certainly seems easy right now.

Also, I have kept up the anime routine. Yesterday I watched the entire Deadman Wonderland. Although it was gruesome it nonetheless gave me something. I feel like this emotional enlightenment that I feel right now is a result of the calmness that anime has given me. If I continue like this I might actually get over depression.