I think I have figured out why I feel that nothing matter - it's because nothing does, in fact, matter. If you don't enjoy it, that is.
My typical cycle goes like this pull yourself together -> do hard work -> lose interest -> pull yourself together...
What I didn't really understand before is why I fall apart after work. Why do I suddenly lose interest in everything when in fact I should feel successful.
Well, now I understand that it's because there is no reward to it. All that my emotional side sees is do work->feel bad(tired)=> Don't do stuff that makes you feel bad. It doesn't sense any achievement in it and rightly so. Because usually the things I work for do not reach their conclusions. I value projects by what they result in in the end. By them adhering to the vision, which by the way changes by the minute. It's impossible to fulfill that vision, so of course my emotional side feels that it's useless. As long as the process itself doesn't become enjoyable, I am a slave to the previously described cycle, because nature has its methods of stopping us from doing useless things. Boredom is one of them.
Just so I would really understand the point - YOU CAN'T REACH A GOAL IF YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR MIND ABOUT WHAT IT IS.
I wonder if knowing this will eventually give me some direction. If I'll be able to figure out how to solve the problem or just stash this information away as a tip to give to others. Either way, I have won by thinking of this.
