It indeed appears that my greatest problem is anxiety. When I'm anxious I do stupid things and often fail to uphold promises. I become overtaken by the feeling of powerlessness, because there doesn't appear to be noticeable progress. Perhaps it's best for me to be dull and simply not care about success. I tend to be more successful in general when I'm in a bad mood, because then I focus on the facts and don't really care as much about feelings - not even my own.
Why has it taken me so long to understand that my mage side can only come out when I'm feeling dull? I guess I just haven't thought about it, as there have been many problems to think about, many of them created by myself and especially by this anxiety.
Well, at least I am finally starting to calm down. This post and the previous prove it by the way how I wonder about those things without being controlled by emotions.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Self-analysis.
My self-analysis skills have improved considerably over the years. Yet, the more I see the less I like what I see. I don't like myself and as time goes on I'm starting to doubt if I ever did.
Perhaps it's just a part of becoming an adult. Maybe in truth everyone is afraid of themselves, given the chance. It's just that people are rarely pushed as far as to see this.
I'm never happy with what I am and this kind of anxiety has only grown stronger over the years. It may as well be my fuel for success someday, but it doesn't really feel so good. Like with many things, it can't be enjoyed if you have any connection with it. As a wise person once said: "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa
I do not know yet what the meaning of this post is, but I will once it's over. There's many things that I can't be sure about, but at least in most cases I know I will eventually know if it matters to me.
What I want often becomes reality. It's hard to tell whether it's a gift or curse. I'm not really a strong enough person to only want things that will bring people good. I wish I was. Sometimes I place myself ahead of others. Sometimes I simply don't care.
Over time I have become less emotional by the looks of it, although deep inside I'm still the same. After years of pain it has eventually become noticeable to myself that I am damaged. I need to find relief and hope to do so by knowledge. Yet, it's bound to be a fool's errand, as knowledge is nothing more than a burden.
I'm not religious, but I still find wisdom in what many prophets said. It seems quite natural to assume that when someone talked to Jesus about becoming rich, then Jesus would not consider it good fortune. Rather, he'd ask "What will you do with it?".
Every good thing is a burden and every bad thing is a lesson. The balance is there and that's what's the most unnerving of it all - It's just not what we wish it was. Reality stares at me in the face and yet I don't dare to face it. Few ever do.
Perhaps it's just a part of becoming an adult. Maybe in truth everyone is afraid of themselves, given the chance. It's just that people are rarely pushed as far as to see this.
I'm never happy with what I am and this kind of anxiety has only grown stronger over the years. It may as well be my fuel for success someday, but it doesn't really feel so good. Like with many things, it can't be enjoyed if you have any connection with it. As a wise person once said: "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa
I do not know yet what the meaning of this post is, but I will once it's over. There's many things that I can't be sure about, but at least in most cases I know I will eventually know if it matters to me.
What I want often becomes reality. It's hard to tell whether it's a gift or curse. I'm not really a strong enough person to only want things that will bring people good. I wish I was. Sometimes I place myself ahead of others. Sometimes I simply don't care.
Over time I have become less emotional by the looks of it, although deep inside I'm still the same. After years of pain it has eventually become noticeable to myself that I am damaged. I need to find relief and hope to do so by knowledge. Yet, it's bound to be a fool's errand, as knowledge is nothing more than a burden.
I'm not religious, but I still find wisdom in what many prophets said. It seems quite natural to assume that when someone talked to Jesus about becoming rich, then Jesus would not consider it good fortune. Rather, he'd ask "What will you do with it?".
Every good thing is a burden and every bad thing is a lesson. The balance is there and that's what's the most unnerving of it all - It's just not what we wish it was. Reality stares at me in the face and yet I don't dare to face it. Few ever do.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Resolve
Being competitive is a constant struggle, but that's exactly what makes it exciting. If you're participating, that is. Those who never try will always stay miserable and potentially meaningless.
I've found that competitiveness is more about attitude than actual skills. Sure, you need some kind of intelligence to be competitive, but that is only a minor part of it all. How many geniuses are drinking away their lives? - Too many.
Yet, the stupid rule. Why is that so? Does a person have to be stupid to have a chance? - No, not necessarily. Those that rule are not the ignorant ones, however stupid they may be. It could be said that by not accepting reality you challenge it. Great changes are almost always started by people who haven't liked the current reality for a while anyway. People who have their own realities that they consider better. The defining trait is stubbornness. One has to be stubborn at least somewhat to survive the constant barrage of conflicting ideas. There are always people who can persuade us to give up our ideals. We shall not.
Any kind of mastery requires being open to options. If you always lose a game, then it can't be the game's fault, can it? Yet, blaming the situation is easier and many do so, including me.
People in general like to be lazy, to not think much. Thinking little is fine as long as it doesn't damage your life. However, being too lazy makes it impossible to tell the difference.
One has to be lazy to not rush into every little thing. Yet, one must also be persistent enough in following his ideals and being open to things that bring him closer. Many gifts are taken as threats at first, because everything new or incomprehensible is a threat according to our limbic brains.
Be calm. Assess the situation. You'll find many new paths that you didn't even dare think existed.
I've found that competitiveness is more about attitude than actual skills. Sure, you need some kind of intelligence to be competitive, but that is only a minor part of it all. How many geniuses are drinking away their lives? - Too many.
Yet, the stupid rule. Why is that so? Does a person have to be stupid to have a chance? - No, not necessarily. Those that rule are not the ignorant ones, however stupid they may be. It could be said that by not accepting reality you challenge it. Great changes are almost always started by people who haven't liked the current reality for a while anyway. People who have their own realities that they consider better. The defining trait is stubbornness. One has to be stubborn at least somewhat to survive the constant barrage of conflicting ideas. There are always people who can persuade us to give up our ideals. We shall not.
Any kind of mastery requires being open to options. If you always lose a game, then it can't be the game's fault, can it? Yet, blaming the situation is easier and many do so, including me.
People in general like to be lazy, to not think much. Thinking little is fine as long as it doesn't damage your life. However, being too lazy makes it impossible to tell the difference.
One has to be lazy to not rush into every little thing. Yet, one must also be persistent enough in following his ideals and being open to things that bring him closer. Many gifts are taken as threats at first, because everything new or incomprehensible is a threat according to our limbic brains.
Be calm. Assess the situation. You'll find many new paths that you didn't even dare think existed.
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