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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Obsession

I appear to lack the ability to be casual. Whatever I do, I'm obsessed about it. This works well with my ability to concentrate, but makes me overly emotional and also stops me from having any weak relations.
I guess it can be considered good, but it is not always so.
Indeed, I work a lot harder on the problems of my tiny inner circle. However, I have been quite ineffective at doing things outside the circle.
This kind of duality is bound to haunt me, but I also don't see how I could solve it without giving up my strengths.

Life is a puzzle to solve, but we are nevertheless a part of it.

Friday, December 13, 2013

What it means to be in dark depression

I have hoped, but never truly believed.
The world is a dark place to me and so am I.
It was never a choice, after one certain point.
This one point in time, where I made a seemingly simple and childish promise.
A promise, that I can no longer give up.
I'm bound. It hurts, but I dare not untie myself.
I feel as if I had taken the whole world to be my burden - If I dropped it, no one would catch.
Thus, there is little I can do.
There was a promise,
but never was there any hope.


I guess this is not a poem, but it is indeed how I feel right now. What I don't feel is that I should write about the good things in my life, as this is one of my dark depression days. I don't feel like anything can help me, except time. And even time simply passes by eventually.
There is no one to truly hold and ward me, as I have taken such a great burden onto myself.
Always will I have to carry my burdens myself, including the greatest of them all.
Sometimes I wish it would end, but then again I remember, that if it would end, then not through my hand.
It may be my journey, but it is not my story to end.
My life may be mine to live, but it is for someone else to end it.
I have wished for this someone to come and take me away, but in this case fate would just laugh in my face. It is not yet the time, nor would I ever be the one to decide when it is.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

A place of misery is a place of untapped potential

I feel this place is the reason for a part of my misery.
However, I know many wouldn't like it if I stopped working on this blog, thus I have opened a new one just for facts that make me happy each day.

Elseway it's just so hard to keep up with all the good things that happen. Indeed, bad things happen too, but people tend to forget problems too soon after solving them. This especially applies to me. Hopefully my solution works.

This blog is still meant to be as deep as ever, as I still intend to write here whenever I have heavy or dark thoughts. I can't avoid them anyway, so it's better to just write them down.

/"It's a perfect denial" - 30 Seconds to Mars - A beautiful lie

Thursday, November 14, 2013

The open prison of Solitude

I frequently mention that I don't like people.
There is no deep grudge against humanity or any such, but there are still reasons.

When I was little I used to be more open, but all I got in return was deceit and pain.
It's just that by now I've learned to not trust people.
For this I didn't really get along with most people.
I liked to stay away from others, as some of them harmed me on every opportunity.
Back then I didn't have the ability to see people's thoughts or otherwise know what to expect of them. All this came later.
I never socialized much with anyone who was older than me and not yet an adult.
It was mostly the adults that I did get along with, as I wasn't really worth abusing for them. They were mature enough to not gain any pleasure from making me suffer.
Due to all this, I mostly made friends with people far older than me. I never truly learned to treat people as equals, as my friends were not.
Due to my separation I was forced to figure out how to succeed on my own.
Due to socializing with people much wiser I learned to grasp concepts that I could never have mastered yet.
As time went on, I didn't get more sociable. Quite the opposite.
Since I didn't socialize with people, then I didn't develop the skills to do so either. What had been a choice soon turned into a way of life. Few understood me, I understood few.
Due to my solitude, I was forced to work out my problems myself. Due to not socializing with people of my age I lost the ability to do so. Due to not being able to socialize, I was in solitude.
The cycle kept going on and on.
I hardened and grew. Over time my choices showed results. I lost the ability to naturally understand people. Yet, I gained the ability to think freely.
It's a wonder how much people truly let themselves depend on others, if given the choice.
I had no such choice.

I no longer hope to be understood. I've come too far for this.
Neither do I expect to get along with people of my age. When the time comes, they will find a way to work with me. Until then, let them be free from the doubts and perils that my life has thrown at me.
My life has not been easy.
However, given the choice, I wouldn't do much differently.

I've for long not experienced what it means to be young. I'm old by heart.
Yet, I barely used up my childhood.

In some sense, I am still a child.

/"Such a lonely world shouldn't exist" - System of a down "Lonely world"

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

We're all retards... especially because we don't think so

We, humans as beasts, only live to die.
Never can we actually develop; our highest adaptation and versatility is at our lowest ages.
Ever noticed how fast little children learn languages? It's not even comparable to adults.
However, us, more degenerated people, have our own advantages. Else it would all be different.
What we have is survivability. It's always a messy business and thus, we have to give something up to have it. What do we give up? Versatility.
This is why old people and beasts can not learn things as well as they used to.

We live in a messy world and thus, we've found messy ways to sustain our existence.
For instance, reproduction.
It is so vastly expensive to renew, that it can be done one cell at a time in most cases. In the whole animal kingdom, everything depends on single cells, because the possibility of making mistakes with anything bigger is far too great.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Essence

This is the most unusual post that I've made, so bear or perish.

Spirit:
I’m a person with no past, as I can not remember it.
Yet, I know many things.
I know that people are not mainly good or evil. They are something between, as pure extremes are never sustainable.
I know that my mind is special. I can not remember anything, but yet I know, because I create worlds. My mind is only a simulator for things that I could see.
What do I see? I only see patterns. I see possibilities. I see realities, but not any specific one.
I know that Time is only a dimension, just like height,width and length. It does not make sense to classify it as anything else, even though we are flying through it.
I don’t have a past, because no one does.

Mind:
In my life I have seen many systems. I know a lot of things about the world and even more about what I don’t know.
I am a god in itself, yet, there are forces greater than me.
Being a god does not mean being unbound. Quite the opposite, as a person without bounds is unmeasurable and thus, irrelevant to our world.
I am constantly striving for the better, despite all forces that tr to put me down.
I live my life knowing, that I am not unbound. Yet, I live.
I am not crippled by knowing, that I am not the best and most powerful. No one is the strongest.

Soul:
I’m a person of darkness, yet, I bring light.
The world is only as limited as you make it to be. It is your own.

This test was brought to you by Xonok. Yes, I wrote it all by myself.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Coming back


 I feel my inner world coming back. Slowly, but surely I'm reviving from my unnoticed drone-hood.
Of the years that I've been reading people only the last few years I've actually worked on developing this skill. Up until this point it was purely natural talent and/or random tries.
Now I'm turning more and more cold and analytical. I purposefully try to reverse-engineer the minds of the people around me.

/One doesn't have to be unemphatic to be cold. Sometimes being cold can be good - Xonok @ here

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Happy?

For my whole life I have been fairly static. I've never went with any trends. Never listened to advice before it's too late. Never followed orders.
This has made me into a very different person.
I don't really feel the need to go to any concerts, because I just don't go past a certain point. I never really turn into a "fan".
This kind of lifestyle has made me lonely. I don't really understand people as much as I would like to believe I do. Yes, I read people. But I don't know how to use it to simply socialize.
I must always have a goal or purpose. 
For those reasons I am unable to work very well as a drone. I am harder to motivate with cookie-cutter ways. I am harder to manipulate than the masses.
I could perhaps fit for a leader. But what kind? I simply do not know.

After all this the main thing what's left to ask is: "Do I feel happy?"
The answer is "No. I do not."
However, I am happier than I would be if I tried to be like the others.

Here are 2 songs that somewhat describe how I feel. 
/The limits on our lives are placed by ourselves

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Stumbling in darkness... as I always have

I stumble in darkness, yet seeing it all.

Sometimes I forget who I am and who I want to be. Sometimes the void fills me through lots of seemingly meaningful activities.
Yet, I must not forget, that I have a purpose.
This blog is a benchmark. It shows whether I am moving in the right direction.

Friday, July 19, 2013

To victory! To confidence!!!!!111oneone

In life a person has to keep pushing forward. It's so easy to stop, but if one stops, then one doesn't start moving again. Life does not favor being static, or at least not as a living organism.
This is basically what I have been doing, in my own quirky way nonetheless.

In short:
Game development(and I mean lots of it)
Confidence from the former
Work(the real kind)

Also, for whatever reason I seem to have turned a bit smarter. I wait 5-10 minutes for people to figure out what they want and then just read out the list(which I made before) and they got nothing more to ask.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Stop the world, I need to get off

It appears that I haven't posted in a long time. To be honest, I just forgot to do so.
Anyways, what have I been doing?

Programming(in Warcraft 3 of course)
Programming
Brainstorming
Programming
...

Boring to anyone but me.

I have also realized how much math it takes to make a proper game. This doesn't only mean formulae. Math is a way of thinking, not a subject. 

Some more about me.
In some sense I am crazy. Well, I definitely ain't normal, but there's more to that. I am a splintered person. Having dual personalities is far under me.
Today I was talking to a person about it and I realized that the reason why people are rarely capable of annoying me is that at some point I mute them(figuratively). Just like I mute the voices in my head. Afterall, conscience is also just another voice in your head.
When I'm dead-sure that I am right, then I don't let people change my mind. It doesn't happen often, but it happens.

Thoughts:
The school system gives you exactly what it has to give, but rarely in an acceptable format...
Every person has their own kind of charity. Namely the one that they didn't get.
If you can understand the lyrics of a song well enough to complain over them, then the music is not good enough. 

/Xonok, the one and lonely. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

Memories of the days gone past

Tonight I was looking through my previous writings. None of this blog yet, but those that I have in google drive.
I am simply amazed. It might sound egotistical, but I HAVE written well. I want to write more like that. It's like reading the perfect book, except that I am the one to write it.
It's pure heaven.

And I haven't slept tonight, which is what I meant with the first word of this post.
But I am not tired, far from that. I am active and anxious. I want to write. I did write.
I am a machine of ideas. A machine for ideas.

Within the last few days I have learned to direct and control my imagination. I can now inspire myself, so that I won't be as dependent on spontaneous inspiration as I used to be.
Hopefully it helps. Hopefully it doesn't mean that I will write some crap. I really hope I won't, as writing is more than a hobby for me. It's life. I live to write and if I live, then I must write. Just like I wrote over 8 months ago. Maybe even before. I have once again become poetic, as one might see by my grammar style.
Btw, not even the almighty Google can find any grammar mistakes in my writings anymore. I am now officially capable of writing in American English.

Now some stuff that I can't just stop myself from writing. Nor would I want to.

"Dispersed phrases everywhere. I remember how well I have written. I WANT to write more, if my writings can be good. " - Me at Here.

Give me love and I give far more back...

/Still looking for more, never letting it fall. This is my lore. This is all.
proudly, Xonok the Endorian

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Not for the weak-eared

I think that this song is awesome. However, it's considerably heavy. Even for me. So don't say that you haven't been warned.

/People can only judge what they see - Xonok

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A screaming story

People like things that they can understand.
Often they even love things that they would hate if they didn't know.
I've realized, that I've come to this point with screaming(musically).

I was perhaps 12 when my sister's boyfriend showed me slipknot. He had showed a few songs when I said that it's too heavy for me. What I mean't was the screaming.
Then he showed me Duality.
This sort of opened my eyes.

 A little at first, but eventually I was with Escape the fate.

Then some months past that I couldn't really say much about. The next point that I remember clearly is that Ronnu showed me some bands that I considered very heavy at that point. It's amazing, because... I don't think so anymore.
Among them was Black Veil Brides. I especially disliked this one. However, that was only until I found out who their singer really is as a person.
Black Veil Brides is said to be named like that because the singer is religious. A black veil bride is a nun - a person that has given up all earthly pleasures to reach higher goals. It sort of made me realize who I'm dealing with. I got MENTALIZED... Umm, okay then. Well I found out his mentality... End of story.

After that point I came back to escape the fate(and some others that I hadn't listened much to), but this time the table was turned. This time the screaming brought me back. Why? Because screaming clears out the mess that always exists in a human mind and THAT makes it possible for people to really hear the beautifully sang lyrics. Those that aren't screamed...

Now I am training my voice. Both for singing normally and screaming. While searching for help in youtube I came across this. Which is, at the moment, the one I consider one of the best.
 I guess someone knows a lot more about me know. I hate mysticism... as long as I'm not the one creating it :D