What a fun thing. Recently I got a computer virus that managed to screw up an amazing amount of things at the same time. They don't really cause me any harm, so for me it's just fun to learn how to kill them off.
It's now the second virus in my collection.
I added a readme for it...
Triggers multiple harmful effects.
Effects noticed:
*Changes home page and search engine in firefox/chrome.
*Installs a mail.ru plugin for firefox/chrome along with some others. Some leave shortcuts on the desktop.
*Installs GPLyra, which is kinda like a bitcoin miner. This uses 30% of CPU according to google.
*Runs some russian-named processes, one which restarts killed processes and one which takes 99% CPU.
*Schedules several tasks. One of them runs every hour.
The fact that it changed the home page was actually destructive initially. However, both on firefox and chrome I actually have ways to restore sessions. I originally started caring about recovery when I lost all my tabs in firefox twice. Now it's just a standard routine for me to make sure I have ways to get back tabs that somehow disappear, so the damage from losing my tabs was literally only the time it took to make a few clicks.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
How I came to be the way I am
As I was looking at old pictures today I realized something about my emotional life. The story is as follows: I saw a really good picture of myself and wanted to show it to a specific person. The thing is, this specific person is no longer in my life and when I thought about it I realized that no such people were in my life anymore. There are at least 2 unarguably important people that I've lost and they were the basis for my emotional life when it was healthy. Neither of those was actually my girlfriend, as strange as it may seem.
Why the picture affected me so is that on this picture I was smiling. Knowing myself, I immediately concluded that someone had told me to smile. This kind of emotional support is something that I currently don't have and as such it's a major factor in what I've become.
One other thing I noticed was that my hair on this picture is very different from what it's usually like. I don't like asymmetry, but in this case it worked really well. I remember how people treated me at the time. It felt unusually good to have this much positive attention.
As a result I now realize what gives L her emotional strength. She cares a lot about how she appears to people and thus also gets lots of emotional support. This may as well be how she has managed to be so energetic and thus the reason for how I was effectively more intelligent when talking to her.
It certainly seems easy right now.
Also, I have kept up the anime routine. Yesterday I watched the entire Deadman Wonderland. Although it was gruesome it nonetheless gave me something. I feel like this emotional enlightenment that I feel right now is a result of the calmness that anime has given me. If I continue like this I might actually get over depression.
Why the picture affected me so is that on this picture I was smiling. Knowing myself, I immediately concluded that someone had told me to smile. This kind of emotional support is something that I currently don't have and as such it's a major factor in what I've become.
As a result I now realize what gives L her emotional strength. She cares a lot about how she appears to people and thus also gets lots of emotional support. This may as well be how she has managed to be so energetic and thus the reason for how I was effectively more intelligent when talking to her.
It certainly seems easy right now.
Also, I have kept up the anime routine. Yesterday I watched the entire Deadman Wonderland. Although it was gruesome it nonetheless gave me something. I feel like this emotional enlightenment that I feel right now is a result of the calmness that anime has given me. If I continue like this I might actually get over depression.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
On some fictional science
When I look at my google drive something stands out to me: a folder called "Capital Ships". There's just something about this name that makes me envision huge behemoths duking it out. Not just ships, but the best ships of each fleet. The kind that cost dozens of times as much as most others. The kind that can singlehandedly decide how a battle between fleets turns out. It's not really hard for me to picture this kind of power.
Visions like this are, for me, glimpses to the past. I don't really have the kind of imagination that I did when I was small, so having some of it break through to me is unusual. I still think about science fiction in my own way, but nowadays it's more about the technologies involved and sometimes the kinds of creatures that might exist. My visions have become less mighty and more mundane.
However, through the mundane I have been able to understand my created world better. What are those huge balls of energy that I saw in Star Sonata? In that game they call them pulse guns. At one point I realized though, that my pulse guns are less like the orbs of shock from Star Sonata and more like balls of fiery plasma. Thus, I decided at one point that I should codify their technology.
The way my pulse guns work is that a ball of super-heated plasma is enclosed in a magnetic or gravitic field. This field is then propelled somehow toward the target. Some really advanced guns of this kind can also change their projectiles' direction while in flight.
What's notable about this technology is that while we are used to having fields remain around the machine that created them, these fields do not. Although they may be created the normal way, they actually use the extreme energy of plasma to keep themselves going. The mechanism for it is somewhat similar to how a balloon keeps shape when filled with water - it's the pressure of the water pushing outwards that keeps the water from dispersing. Plasma works the same way here.
Later on I realized that this technology could really be used for many things. Although hot plasma is not easy to come by, some versions of this technology don't need it.
A huge advantage of being able to control fields like this is that you don't need to propel matter in order to create thrust. Thus, the same technology can be used in a different way as engines for ships. With a relatively small device you can gravitize(as a parallel to magnetizing) entire ships. Energy cost is relative to mass of the ship, but that's not a fundamental problem, as that applies with most kinds of propulsion.
Due to not needing any reaction mass this propulsion method has huge efficiency gains over chemical thrusters. The efficiency gains mostly apply for longer-distance travel, but that isn't really rare in the days when humans know of hundreds of habitable planets.
Visions like this are, for me, glimpses to the past. I don't really have the kind of imagination that I did when I was small, so having some of it break through to me is unusual. I still think about science fiction in my own way, but nowadays it's more about the technologies involved and sometimes the kinds of creatures that might exist. My visions have become less mighty and more mundane.
However, through the mundane I have been able to understand my created world better. What are those huge balls of energy that I saw in Star Sonata? In that game they call them pulse guns. At one point I realized though, that my pulse guns are less like the orbs of shock from Star Sonata and more like balls of fiery plasma. Thus, I decided at one point that I should codify their technology.
The way my pulse guns work is that a ball of super-heated plasma is enclosed in a magnetic or gravitic field. This field is then propelled somehow toward the target. Some really advanced guns of this kind can also change their projectiles' direction while in flight.
What's notable about this technology is that while we are used to having fields remain around the machine that created them, these fields do not. Although they may be created the normal way, they actually use the extreme energy of plasma to keep themselves going. The mechanism for it is somewhat similar to how a balloon keeps shape when filled with water - it's the pressure of the water pushing outwards that keeps the water from dispersing. Plasma works the same way here.
Later on I realized that this technology could really be used for many things. Although hot plasma is not easy to come by, some versions of this technology don't need it.
A huge advantage of being able to control fields like this is that you don't need to propel matter in order to create thrust. Thus, the same technology can be used in a different way as engines for ships. With a relatively small device you can gravitize(as a parallel to magnetizing) entire ships. Energy cost is relative to mass of the ship, but that's not a fundamental problem, as that applies with most kinds of propulsion.
Due to not needing any reaction mass this propulsion method has huge efficiency gains over chemical thrusters. The efficiency gains mostly apply for longer-distance travel, but that isn't really rare in the days when humans know of hundreds of habitable planets.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Happiness is oblivion
The way I think varies wildly based on how I feel. It's related to a trait of mine I call the "Mosaic Mind", which I won't bother with elaborating right now.
One notable difference is that when I feel bad in the longer term(read: depression) I start to look at things very logically. It feels like it's objective, but it's not because it actually disregards the emotional aspects.
However, when I feel well I don't even think about all those problems that I supposedly have. Today is one of those days. It makes me feel that all I really need to do is just forget, instead of desperately trying to figure out a plan. Maybe the bad times are really just a result of overthinking things and I would be better off caring less.
It certainly took a lot of anime to reach this point though. :)
One notable difference is that when I feel bad in the longer term(read: depression) I start to look at things very logically. It feels like it's objective, but it's not because it actually disregards the emotional aspects.
However, when I feel well I don't even think about all those problems that I supposedly have. Today is one of those days. It makes me feel that all I really need to do is just forget, instead of desperately trying to figure out a plan. Maybe the bad times are really just a result of overthinking things and I would be better off caring less.
It certainly took a lot of anime to reach this point though. :)
Depressed person watches anime. You won't believe what happens next! /s
First I should mention as clarification my sleeping schedule. It rotates if I let it. Usually the rotation is up to 1 hour per day, so in 24 days I should theoretically do a full circle. In practice that's not how it really works, since at times the rotation stops.
The day before yesterday I woke up at 20. That is, 8 PM. During the night after that I watched the first season of Attack on Titan, which is 25 episodes and all that currently exists, considering that the next season will start airing this year.
The following day I had some things that I needed to do, so I didn't go to sleep the time I normally would have. At 15 (which is 3 PM) I went to sleep and woke up at 23 (11 PM). That night I watched the entire Charlotte. That's 13 episodes.
The length of a standard episode of anime is 20 minutes, considering that I skip the intros most of the time.
So in other words, yesternight I watched 500 minutes of anime, which is a little under 8 hours with no pauses. Today I did the same, but it was 260 minutes, which is 4 hours and 20 minutes.
By this point I feel good.
I've noticed that watching anime is one of the few things that consistently helps against depression. Might not work for others, but it does help me. So it takes around 2 nights of anime to really feel good. I wonder how long the effect will last. It's probably a good idea to take note when the effect wears off. That is, if I don't watch any more the next few days.
The day before yesterday I woke up at 20. That is, 8 PM. During the night after that I watched the first season of Attack on Titan, which is 25 episodes and all that currently exists, considering that the next season will start airing this year.
The following day I had some things that I needed to do, so I didn't go to sleep the time I normally would have. At 15 (which is 3 PM) I went to sleep and woke up at 23 (11 PM). That night I watched the entire Charlotte. That's 13 episodes.
The length of a standard episode of anime is 20 minutes, considering that I skip the intros most of the time.
So in other words, yesternight I watched 500 minutes of anime, which is a little under 8 hours with no pauses. Today I did the same, but it was 260 minutes, which is 4 hours and 20 minutes.
By this point I feel good.
I've noticed that watching anime is one of the few things that consistently helps against depression. Might not work for others, but it does help me. So it takes around 2 nights of anime to really feel good. I wonder how long the effect will last. It's probably a good idea to take note when the effect wears off. That is, if I don't watch any more the next few days.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Why I don't talk
There are reasons to why I keep separate. In the past I used to think that it's not my choice, but by now I think it is. I choose to be alone because there is nothing to be had from this. Well, most of the time.
For me it's difficult to socialize with most people. When I was little I didn't care about what people think and this made things easy. But as time went on I got bullied for it. For practically my whole life I've been bullied both mentally and physically for who I am. It's not much of a wonder then that I don't like people, or is it?
Logically, the solution was conforming. I still know how to get along with people that are utterly useless and draining to me.
But I don't want to. That's the key. I don't want to be a fake and whenever I force myself it makes me hate myself.
From this perspective it makes sense to rather be alone that keep hurting yourself. But it's not like this was ever easy. People need to socialize, even those that think they don't. No matter how I tell myself it doesn't matter, it actually does. The reason is quite biological. Humans are social animals and when we get cut off we go mad.
I just wish there were more people I could talk to. I don't like being a liar, but at times it feels like that's the only way to get along. Sure, it's not technically lying to them if I treat people the way they want me to, but that doesn't console me. I hate lying to myself and this is enough of a reason. I hate putting effort into people that are not worth it. But I also don't like being alone. At times this has made me quite desperate.
It's hard for me to understand why it has to be like this. Despite all the reasons I've thought up, I still don't truly know. I still don't know how to be so that it would not strain me, but would also not scare away people.
I'm told that I look scary when I don't smile. But perhaps that's how I am? I am not used to smiling, not after I specifically learned to hide my emotions to prevent abuse. Yet, all the reasons I might have feel irrelevant here, because it's not for me to judge. If I look scary, then that's hardly something that I can ignore myself. And expecting others to ignore a part of me that to them seems so significant is just delusional.
On another note, I've started to dislike the design of my blog. It looked good when I made it this way, but now I find it harder to read this font. Still, I am hesitant to change it.
Well, whatever.
For me it's difficult to socialize with most people. When I was little I didn't care about what people think and this made things easy. But as time went on I got bullied for it. For practically my whole life I've been bullied both mentally and physically for who I am. It's not much of a wonder then that I don't like people, or is it?
Logically, the solution was conforming. I still know how to get along with people that are utterly useless and draining to me.
But I don't want to. That's the key. I don't want to be a fake and whenever I force myself it makes me hate myself.
From this perspective it makes sense to rather be alone that keep hurting yourself. But it's not like this was ever easy. People need to socialize, even those that think they don't. No matter how I tell myself it doesn't matter, it actually does. The reason is quite biological. Humans are social animals and when we get cut off we go mad.
I just wish there were more people I could talk to. I don't like being a liar, but at times it feels like that's the only way to get along. Sure, it's not technically lying to them if I treat people the way they want me to, but that doesn't console me. I hate lying to myself and this is enough of a reason. I hate putting effort into people that are not worth it. But I also don't like being alone. At times this has made me quite desperate.
It's hard for me to understand why it has to be like this. Despite all the reasons I've thought up, I still don't truly know. I still don't know how to be so that it would not strain me, but would also not scare away people.
I'm told that I look scary when I don't smile. But perhaps that's how I am? I am not used to smiling, not after I specifically learned to hide my emotions to prevent abuse. Yet, all the reasons I might have feel irrelevant here, because it's not for me to judge. If I look scary, then that's hardly something that I can ignore myself. And expecting others to ignore a part of me that to them seems so significant is just delusional.
On another note, I've started to dislike the design of my blog. It looked good when I made it this way, but now I find it harder to read this font. Still, I am hesitant to change it.
Well, whatever.
The strength to be good
Recently I've been pondering a complicated topic.
The kind of person I am has an easy time understanding others, if I really want to. However, the price of it is something that I've never really been able to carry. As a result I've become cold, or at least learned to act as if I were.
In order to listen to someone there are 2 ways. One of them is that you simply don't care, in which case they may blabber about whatever as long you get your selfish gain. But this isn't really listening. It's only in order to fool those that are already hurt enough as is.
The other way is really caring and putting aside your own thoughts, so as to focus on how they think and how it makes sense to them. Not judging is crucial.
However, judging is a defense mechanism for us all. It's easier to keep a distance from someone if you judge them and this distance matters at least to some degree.
Think about how horrible it would be if you cared personally about every starving child in Africa. Or about the thousands dying in war zones. Or the victims of domestic abuse. Or the socially neglected in depression. It would be unbearable, so we don't do this. Instead we pay for this by constructing a world view that does not reflect reality. We lie to ourselves, but we believe our lies, because they make it easier to live.
However, illusions are not the only way to cope with truly caring about someone. The only good way that I know is having been through the same problems as that person and having surpassed those things. If you really know how to solve a problem for yourself, you become invulnerable to that same problem in other people and this lets you really care about them without being hurt by their issues. Not that it would be easy...
The kind of person I am has an easy time understanding others, if I really want to. However, the price of it is something that I've never really been able to carry. As a result I've become cold, or at least learned to act as if I were.
In order to listen to someone there are 2 ways. One of them is that you simply don't care, in which case they may blabber about whatever as long you get your selfish gain. But this isn't really listening. It's only in order to fool those that are already hurt enough as is.
The other way is really caring and putting aside your own thoughts, so as to focus on how they think and how it makes sense to them. Not judging is crucial.
However, judging is a defense mechanism for us all. It's easier to keep a distance from someone if you judge them and this distance matters at least to some degree.
Think about how horrible it would be if you cared personally about every starving child in Africa. Or about the thousands dying in war zones. Or the victims of domestic abuse. Or the socially neglected in depression. It would be unbearable, so we don't do this. Instead we pay for this by constructing a world view that does not reflect reality. We lie to ourselves, but we believe our lies, because they make it easier to live.
However, illusions are not the only way to cope with truly caring about someone. The only good way that I know is having been through the same problems as that person and having surpassed those things. If you really know how to solve a problem for yourself, you become invulnerable to that same problem in other people and this lets you really care about them without being hurt by their issues. Not that it would be easy...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)