There are beasts in me that poke when I’m not looking. Yet when I try to find them they have long gone away. Monsters that disturb my inner peace and try bring me down in guilt over things both done and undone. What is the nature of those beasts? Why do they bother me so, if they can’t even stand up before me?
I feel it is me. That I don’t really like to know my wrongs and weaknesses, but hide it through a layer of objectivity. Yet I so much yearn to know. How can such conflicting realms exist within a person? Is it perhaps that a man’s soul is not only divisible, but rather even impossible to unify into a single piece? I can not know whether that is true.
Just earlier I felt a lack in me. That if I had been a philosopher, always engrossed in their internal world, I would have come through the difficulties I've had with more constitution. I felt a deep pang of regret.
Yet when I went to look for that regret so I could ask it questions, I did not find it any more. It's a mere beast in me that pokes holes into my shell. Then again it is also me. What purpose could a person have in poking holes in one's own fortitude?
Perhaps it is fear that should I not consider those things, I would be hurt once more, this time more badly. Then again, I feel little innocence at this point anyway, so what exactly is there to lose?
Would I become a worse person if I knew those things? A more cynical me, that seeks to profit at others' expense? Or perhaps that is already who I am, but simply can't come to terms with the facts?
I can not deny being weak and sinful. As with any person, I am not perfect and perhaps never was. If that is the case though, then in addition to repenting and learning to be better, I must also accept that maybe there isn't a better past that I could escape to. That maybe if I returned to the places I was, I would see them different and no longer take part in the magic that I saw when I was there last.
Perhaps it is nature itself that brings me down like this, embodied by mere instinct that deems me as one lacking in worth?
My knowledge of nature does not support such a hypothesis. More than anything, nature is a matter of both consequence and opportunity. One that is not dead can always still do something, such is the law of the world.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Monday, August 28, 2017
Rain of inspiration
Inspiration is a fickle thing. If we were to picture is as lemon juice my brain(the lemon) usually doesn't produce more than a couple drops, no matter how hard you squeeze it.
Yet, at times I am struck by a greater deity called Inspiration. It's like the meta-ruler of all inspiration, having command over it.
When it happens I feel like the lemon has been slammed by a baseball bat, discharging a liter of lemon juice at once. Then it's put into a blender to emit several more gallons, after which a rocket brings the lemon to space, only to have it fall down again, causing a storm of lemon juice on impact and having the sky rain lemon juice globally for several weeks. It's like a gore-fest of juicy lemon goodness.
This is how I feel about inspiration.
Yet, at times I am struck by a greater deity called Inspiration. It's like the meta-ruler of all inspiration, having command over it.
When it happens I feel like the lemon has been slammed by a baseball bat, discharging a liter of lemon juice at once. Then it's put into a blender to emit several more gallons, after which a rocket brings the lemon to space, only to have it fall down again, causing a storm of lemon juice on impact and having the sky rain lemon juice globally for several weeks. It's like a gore-fest of juicy lemon goodness.
This is how I feel about inspiration.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Happiness and (enjoyable) sadness
Today was a very good day. I got up very easily and was at full force the whole day. But it's only natural to me that I am not always "happy". I felt good the entire day and I still do, but I also feel sad right now. It's strange how I can enjoy some kinds of sadness, but I see what I have to see and do what I have to do. I'm filling my role and that's fulfilling in any circumstance.
As is with any good thing, there was no reason for me to be happy and there is no reason for me to be sad. Sure, I could find excuses. I could claim that I was happy because I was awake and didn't have any sleep deprivation, but that doesn't really capture the point. I'm not happy because bad things are missing, but rather because I get to focus on the good things. Lack of evil is neutrality, not goodness. It takes more than that.
But really the main reason why I have enjoyed the whole day so far is that I don't have any reasons. Usually I am always so intellectual, but today those things just don't matter and that's the best way it could be. It's not even one of those depressive episodes that make me numb. I can feel everything.
I can feel that with days like this it is only a matter of me doing or not doing. That whatever I choose to do, I will progress in and if I choose not to do anything, that's fine too. It's relaxing.
Objectively, it will not last.
Subjectively, I don't care if it does.
What matters is the here and now. All I can do and all I ever have to do is my best. I can't always be optimal. I can't rule the world or perfectly control myself, but that just means I'm human. It means I have something to improve at. Something to do. Perfection is the least enjoyable state of existence, if it comes at the cost of consistently sacrificing all resources you have. Sometimes being leisurely is good, sometimes not. Life is relative.
So what if my current best is not the physical limit of my capabilities. At least it's more consistent.
It isn't possible for a person to keep sacrificing themselves, after all. What you overdo one day, you lose to numbness the other. There are limits to what we can do and that's fine, because it means we don't always have to try our hardest. Doing your best is not the same as doing your most, neither should it be.
Funny how I'm not really used to feeling like this. I have this strange haze where everything amuses me, even sadness. I feel this so rarely that I haven't actually developed it into full-blown happiness. I can't even begin to describe it, because I'm so used to thinking in terms of intellectual values. Pessimistic values, that is, since my intellect has been so bogged down in negative things.
Happiness is not about thinking of things the way they are. It's not about objectivity. It's about not thinking at all. Subjectivity is simply better for happiness than being objective ever could be.
As is with any good thing, there was no reason for me to be happy and there is no reason for me to be sad. Sure, I could find excuses. I could claim that I was happy because I was awake and didn't have any sleep deprivation, but that doesn't really capture the point. I'm not happy because bad things are missing, but rather because I get to focus on the good things. Lack of evil is neutrality, not goodness. It takes more than that.
But really the main reason why I have enjoyed the whole day so far is that I don't have any reasons. Usually I am always so intellectual, but today those things just don't matter and that's the best way it could be. It's not even one of those depressive episodes that make me numb. I can feel everything.
I can feel that with days like this it is only a matter of me doing or not doing. That whatever I choose to do, I will progress in and if I choose not to do anything, that's fine too. It's relaxing.
Objectively, it will not last.
Subjectively, I don't care if it does.
What matters is the here and now. All I can do and all I ever have to do is my best. I can't always be optimal. I can't rule the world or perfectly control myself, but that just means I'm human. It means I have something to improve at. Something to do. Perfection is the least enjoyable state of existence, if it comes at the cost of consistently sacrificing all resources you have. Sometimes being leisurely is good, sometimes not. Life is relative.
So what if my current best is not the physical limit of my capabilities. At least it's more consistent.
It isn't possible for a person to keep sacrificing themselves, after all. What you overdo one day, you lose to numbness the other. There are limits to what we can do and that's fine, because it means we don't always have to try our hardest. Doing your best is not the same as doing your most, neither should it be.
Funny how I'm not really used to feeling like this. I have this strange haze where everything amuses me, even sadness. I feel this so rarely that I haven't actually developed it into full-blown happiness. I can't even begin to describe it, because I'm so used to thinking in terms of intellectual values. Pessimistic values, that is, since my intellect has been so bogged down in negative things.
Happiness is not about thinking of things the way they are. It's not about objectivity. It's about not thinking at all. Subjectivity is simply better for happiness than being objective ever could be.
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Strengthening my motivations
I've always been unable to stay still. Although not hyperactive, I might seem so, as my mind is constantly looking for something to do. This boredom appears to be quite different from that of other people though. Generally when people feel bored they solve it by finding a way to idle away the time. Watching TV, browsing facebook, etc. I can do those things if I want to, but generally that's just not enough. I need stimulation and those things are not fundamentally anything that requires my attention. Whether I watch a show or not, the results will be the same and I can get the gist of things without expending my full attention. Thus the rest of my mind still wanders, causing distress unless I can guide it.
This instinct to always keep going is one of the my strongest motivators. I know there is always something more, so I feel like whenever I stay still I'm falling back. That simply taking a break is detrimental, unless that break is necessary to keep going later on. Idle time by itself is worthless to me.
I don't always have this level of motivation though. Despite my best efforts, there are still times when I do nothing of value. As much as I dislike those times, I still act like that occasionally. Mostly it's due to sleep deprivation or other kinds of fatigue.
Recently I've found a very fulfilling activity - writing. While I've written blogs and schoolwork for years, it was always inconsistent and based on external factors. Although I've liked to write, it took a special kind of motivation to do. I needed to be inspired or have an external goal, both of which are not reliable.
At one point this inability to control my creativity started to bother me. I knew that I'm skilled enough to always write the way I did at my best times. That with even a little effort, I could up my standards.
What remained was finding motivation to do so. As I was in pretty bad depression at the time, all my motivations were about doing things that are less horrible. During depression it was extremely harmful for me to simply idle away, as that always caused a storm of uncontrollable thoughts. Thus, I exercised, programmed and did many other things that were not particularly enjoyable, mostly because they were less awful than doing nothing. I didn't realize it at the time, but my motivation for programming was not inherent.
As I recovered from depression, it puzzled me how I have become so useless. That I can't consistently do even the things I did while depressed, despite being mentally stronger now.
I thought about this often and eventually found ways to control my attention ore. To create inspiration where there once was none. To return to writing stories that I thought I would never complete.
Right now I have a story that is 29 pages long. It's the longest piece of structured writing I've ever written and what made it happen was mostly my stubbornness. That I returned to the story that I was unmotivated to keep writing. I thought about the story frequently until I realized what needs to happen next. This process has happened several times, thus reaching the current pagecount.
What's especially thrilling is that the increase in quantity did not decrease quality. In fact, I have learned to write conversations and descriptions better now, with less stuttering and clumsy sentences.
Then again, despite the progress, I haven't yet regained all that I've lost. The way I write now is less emotional and more intellectual. Despite the substance of the story not changing, I haven't found ways to express it the ways I sometimes rarely did in the past. While my quality in the past was very random, the peaks were also higher.
I can only keep going and hope I'll get better. Because I will.
This instinct to always keep going is one of the my strongest motivators. I know there is always something more, so I feel like whenever I stay still I'm falling back. That simply taking a break is detrimental, unless that break is necessary to keep going later on. Idle time by itself is worthless to me.
I don't always have this level of motivation though. Despite my best efforts, there are still times when I do nothing of value. As much as I dislike those times, I still act like that occasionally. Mostly it's due to sleep deprivation or other kinds of fatigue.
Recently I've found a very fulfilling activity - writing. While I've written blogs and schoolwork for years, it was always inconsistent and based on external factors. Although I've liked to write, it took a special kind of motivation to do. I needed to be inspired or have an external goal, both of which are not reliable.
At one point this inability to control my creativity started to bother me. I knew that I'm skilled enough to always write the way I did at my best times. That with even a little effort, I could up my standards.
What remained was finding motivation to do so. As I was in pretty bad depression at the time, all my motivations were about doing things that are less horrible. During depression it was extremely harmful for me to simply idle away, as that always caused a storm of uncontrollable thoughts. Thus, I exercised, programmed and did many other things that were not particularly enjoyable, mostly because they were less awful than doing nothing. I didn't realize it at the time, but my motivation for programming was not inherent.
As I recovered from depression, it puzzled me how I have become so useless. That I can't consistently do even the things I did while depressed, despite being mentally stronger now.
I thought about this often and eventually found ways to control my attention ore. To create inspiration where there once was none. To return to writing stories that I thought I would never complete.
Right now I have a story that is 29 pages long. It's the longest piece of structured writing I've ever written and what made it happen was mostly my stubbornness. That I returned to the story that I was unmotivated to keep writing. I thought about the story frequently until I realized what needs to happen next. This process has happened several times, thus reaching the current pagecount.
What's especially thrilling is that the increase in quantity did not decrease quality. In fact, I have learned to write conversations and descriptions better now, with less stuttering and clumsy sentences.
Then again, despite the progress, I haven't yet regained all that I've lost. The way I write now is less emotional and more intellectual. Despite the substance of the story not changing, I haven't found ways to express it the ways I sometimes rarely did in the past. While my quality in the past was very random, the peaks were also higher.
I can only keep going and hope I'll get better. Because I will.
Monday, March 27, 2017
EU4 modding and green Africa
Recently I discovered that a couple thousands years BC, Africa was green. Instead of the Sahara there was a huge savannah and the lake of Chad was orders of magnitude larger. I discovered this because I disliked how in EU4 around half of Africa can not be traversed in any way, with most of this area being the Sahara desert.
However, when I found out just how livable Africa used to be, I wanted to make a more grand mod than just adding the wastelands as usable provinces. I wanted to make a mod that would take place in the range between 7000 BC up until 1900 AD, because after 1900 there are aircraft and EU4 can not simulate them.
Thus, I needed to mod the map. It turns out that modding the map requires changing lots of different layers. There are 4 files for the actual looks, one for map textures(which affect gameplay), 1 for how the land is split into provinces, 1 for which lands are water or not and how high mountains are, etc.
The most problematic of those all are the 4 for actual looks, because I'm not very good at drawing on a computer. At that point I gave up.
But yesterday I figured "I may have this weakness, but that doesn't mean I should just accept it."
So what I did was that I opened one of the maps up in gimp and copied the most used colors with color select. Then I tried adding an island next to France and called it Xeaune, which is essentially like Xon, but written like in French. Everything is longer in French.
As I tried the results in the game I noticed no major problems. I had used the wrong map texture, but that was easy to fix. Just a few days before I had given up on the idea of modding the map, but at this point I decided I should make an entirely new one. Modding the existing map on the same quality level is still out of reach for me, but in order to learn I just have to practice. Thus, now I want to make a new map with entirely new geography, cultures and balance. One thing that I'm sure of is that I want to add more islands than in the real world. Sea powers like England were actually quite weak historically. The only reason they were so powerful is that trade practically had to be done by sea. If only ground transport wasn't so thoroughly bad, sea powers would have been much weaker.
However, even in EU4 sea powers are in fact weak if they don't colonize. In order to make England actually able to fight on the mainland I needed to make a lot of changes. Some of those were for fixing silly imbalances in the base game, but some are also just overpowered. For instance, I made it so that if your sea power is higher than someone else's, you can easily declare war. This is a major imbalance and the only reason it doesn't break the game is that those who get the most use out of it are simply weak anyway.
But yeah, I'm going to make an entire new world. Maybe.
However, when I found out just how livable Africa used to be, I wanted to make a more grand mod than just adding the wastelands as usable provinces. I wanted to make a mod that would take place in the range between 7000 BC up until 1900 AD, because after 1900 there are aircraft and EU4 can not simulate them.
Thus, I needed to mod the map. It turns out that modding the map requires changing lots of different layers. There are 4 files for the actual looks, one for map textures(which affect gameplay), 1 for how the land is split into provinces, 1 for which lands are water or not and how high mountains are, etc.
The most problematic of those all are the 4 for actual looks, because I'm not very good at drawing on a computer. At that point I gave up.
But yesterday I figured "I may have this weakness, but that doesn't mean I should just accept it."
So what I did was that I opened one of the maps up in gimp and copied the most used colors with color select. Then I tried adding an island next to France and called it Xeaune, which is essentially like Xon, but written like in French. Everything is longer in French.
As I tried the results in the game I noticed no major problems. I had used the wrong map texture, but that was easy to fix. Just a few days before I had given up on the idea of modding the map, but at this point I decided I should make an entirely new one. Modding the existing map on the same quality level is still out of reach for me, but in order to learn I just have to practice. Thus, now I want to make a new map with entirely new geography, cultures and balance. One thing that I'm sure of is that I want to add more islands than in the real world. Sea powers like England were actually quite weak historically. The only reason they were so powerful is that trade practically had to be done by sea. If only ground transport wasn't so thoroughly bad, sea powers would have been much weaker.
However, even in EU4 sea powers are in fact weak if they don't colonize. In order to make England actually able to fight on the mainland I needed to make a lot of changes. Some of those were for fixing silly imbalances in the base game, but some are also just overpowered. For instance, I made it so that if your sea power is higher than someone else's, you can easily declare war. This is a major imbalance and the only reason it doesn't break the game is that those who get the most use out of it are simply weak anyway.
But yeah, I'm going to make an entire new world. Maybe.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Emotional Epiphany
Yesterday I had an emotional epiphany of sorts. I was reading a book called "Flow - the psychology of optimal experience" by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Essentially it talks about how fun works on a psychological level. The core idea of the book is a concept called Flow, which is a state of mind where you are engaged in what you do, exactly according to your ability.
When he talked about what people find happiness in he also mentioned getting a calypso. At this point I got a strong image of diving around a laguna in a warm climate. I closed the book and focused on this idea to better understand it.
When I did so I remembered that I had actually liked those things - tropical water life and deep-sea diving. Although I had never encountered either of them firsthand they were nonetheless fascinating for me a couple years ago. It's amazing how much I've forgot.
It happened between 6th and 7th grade. By the time I joined 7th I realized that I've lost a lot of my memories. I quickly understood that the memories are still there, I just can't access them because the way I think has changed. Over time I reclaimed some memories, but most are still gone.
Later on I've thought about this further and know what was special about those memories that I lost and why I was able to reclaim some. The way my mind changed was that I lost most of my ability to remember emotions. I feel normal, but when I try to think about how I felt at a specific time I just can't. Then again, this doesn't stop me from reminding myself how I looked at things. The logical, episodic part is still there. This is why I was able to regain some memories - I had mentally described my feelings at some points in life and thus I was able to access those descriptions.
The change itself was something I didn't feel happen. It was probably a result of domestic violence and the ensuing depression that I didn't notice until years later.
Since I didn't feel it happen, I also didn't realize for a while that anything was wrong. How could I?
It took me years to finally get it that the depth of my emotion is also lower. I don't find joy in most of the things I used to find it in.
I used to make plasticine figures and draw spaceships. Of course I can still do those things. I can even do them much better than I used to despite the lack of practice that I had for years. However, they no longer have as much relation to my inner fantasy as they used to. They no longer give me motivation to keep doing stuff. Yet, I see their flaws more clearly. I can attempt to draw something and then give up because the techniques I know are not good enough. When I was little I simply didn't care about those things. I was unable to see most flaws in what I made and as such, I was happy with it. They were only pieces to support my inner narrative, not art on their own. Is it a problem that a chess piece doesn't look like an actual soldier? Not really. Do anime characters look photo-realistic? No.
Those things don't need to be exactly right, because what matters is not their execution, but the idea. The same applied to my creations in the past, but since I've lost sight of the narrative I've started to focus more on the external part that doesn't truly matter. It's surely easier to present, but that doesn't motivate me.
My standards for myself have risen, but in effect it only ruins the fun instead of making me work harder.
When I thought about diving I saw again for a short time my inner narrative. I saw meaning. It made me wonder what the hell I had been doing all this time. Why I hadn't done anything about this interest of mine if it can give me so much pleasure just by accidentally thinking about it. As a result, I have felt good today.
Thinking about the details of how to achieve this dream has kept me busy and I love to work on this. Of course it's only a matter of time until I relapse into numbness, but while this emotion lasts I want to treasure it.
Looking back at what I wrote today I can see that I'm talking about something emotional. This is unusual for me, as I am usually stuck in thinking with purely logic. The numbness makes me so.
This has objectively great relevance to me, because it shows that what L had given me is something I can also produce myself. The way she motivated me and made me more emotional is not only an aspect of her, but also of me. Knowing this is reassuring, as it proves that my happiness is not about what happens outside, but how I handle it inside.
When he talked about what people find happiness in he also mentioned getting a calypso. At this point I got a strong image of diving around a laguna in a warm climate. I closed the book and focused on this idea to better understand it.
When I did so I remembered that I had actually liked those things - tropical water life and deep-sea diving. Although I had never encountered either of them firsthand they were nonetheless fascinating for me a couple years ago. It's amazing how much I've forgot.
It happened between 6th and 7th grade. By the time I joined 7th I realized that I've lost a lot of my memories. I quickly understood that the memories are still there, I just can't access them because the way I think has changed. Over time I reclaimed some memories, but most are still gone.
Later on I've thought about this further and know what was special about those memories that I lost and why I was able to reclaim some. The way my mind changed was that I lost most of my ability to remember emotions. I feel normal, but when I try to think about how I felt at a specific time I just can't. Then again, this doesn't stop me from reminding myself how I looked at things. The logical, episodic part is still there. This is why I was able to regain some memories - I had mentally described my feelings at some points in life and thus I was able to access those descriptions.
The change itself was something I didn't feel happen. It was probably a result of domestic violence and the ensuing depression that I didn't notice until years later.
Since I didn't feel it happen, I also didn't realize for a while that anything was wrong. How could I?
It took me years to finally get it that the depth of my emotion is also lower. I don't find joy in most of the things I used to find it in.
I used to make plasticine figures and draw spaceships. Of course I can still do those things. I can even do them much better than I used to despite the lack of practice that I had for years. However, they no longer have as much relation to my inner fantasy as they used to. They no longer give me motivation to keep doing stuff. Yet, I see their flaws more clearly. I can attempt to draw something and then give up because the techniques I know are not good enough. When I was little I simply didn't care about those things. I was unable to see most flaws in what I made and as such, I was happy with it. They were only pieces to support my inner narrative, not art on their own. Is it a problem that a chess piece doesn't look like an actual soldier? Not really. Do anime characters look photo-realistic? No.
Those things don't need to be exactly right, because what matters is not their execution, but the idea. The same applied to my creations in the past, but since I've lost sight of the narrative I've started to focus more on the external part that doesn't truly matter. It's surely easier to present, but that doesn't motivate me.
My standards for myself have risen, but in effect it only ruins the fun instead of making me work harder.
When I thought about diving I saw again for a short time my inner narrative. I saw meaning. It made me wonder what the hell I had been doing all this time. Why I hadn't done anything about this interest of mine if it can give me so much pleasure just by accidentally thinking about it. As a result, I have felt good today.
Thinking about the details of how to achieve this dream has kept me busy and I love to work on this. Of course it's only a matter of time until I relapse into numbness, but while this emotion lasts I want to treasure it.
Looking back at what I wrote today I can see that I'm talking about something emotional. This is unusual for me, as I am usually stuck in thinking with purely logic. The numbness makes me so.
This has objectively great relevance to me, because it shows that what L had given me is something I can also produce myself. The way she motivated me and made me more emotional is not only an aspect of her, but also of me. Knowing this is reassuring, as it proves that my happiness is not about what happens outside, but how I handle it inside.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
A really fun computer virus that I killed
What a fun thing. Recently I got a computer virus that managed to screw up an amazing amount of things at the same time. They don't really cause me any harm, so for me it's just fun to learn how to kill them off.
It's now the second virus in my collection.
I added a readme for it...
Triggers multiple harmful effects.
Effects noticed:
*Changes home page and search engine in firefox/chrome.
*Installs a mail.ru plugin for firefox/chrome along with some others. Some leave shortcuts on the desktop.
*Installs GPLyra, which is kinda like a bitcoin miner. This uses 30% of CPU according to google.
*Runs some russian-named processes, one which restarts killed processes and one which takes 99% CPU.
*Schedules several tasks. One of them runs every hour.
The fact that it changed the home page was actually destructive initially. However, both on firefox and chrome I actually have ways to restore sessions. I originally started caring about recovery when I lost all my tabs in firefox twice. Now it's just a standard routine for me to make sure I have ways to get back tabs that somehow disappear, so the damage from losing my tabs was literally only the time it took to make a few clicks.
It's now the second virus in my collection.
I added a readme for it...
Triggers multiple harmful effects.
Effects noticed:
*Changes home page and search engine in firefox/chrome.
*Installs a mail.ru plugin for firefox/chrome along with some others. Some leave shortcuts on the desktop.
*Installs GPLyra, which is kinda like a bitcoin miner. This uses 30% of CPU according to google.
*Runs some russian-named processes, one which restarts killed processes and one which takes 99% CPU.
*Schedules several tasks. One of them runs every hour.
The fact that it changed the home page was actually destructive initially. However, both on firefox and chrome I actually have ways to restore sessions. I originally started caring about recovery when I lost all my tabs in firefox twice. Now it's just a standard routine for me to make sure I have ways to get back tabs that somehow disappear, so the damage from losing my tabs was literally only the time it took to make a few clicks.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
How I came to be the way I am
As I was looking at old pictures today I realized something about my emotional life. The story is as follows: I saw a really good picture of myself and wanted to show it to a specific person. The thing is, this specific person is no longer in my life and when I thought about it I realized that no such people were in my life anymore. There are at least 2 unarguably important people that I've lost and they were the basis for my emotional life when it was healthy. Neither of those was actually my girlfriend, as strange as it may seem.
Why the picture affected me so is that on this picture I was smiling. Knowing myself, I immediately concluded that someone had told me to smile. This kind of emotional support is something that I currently don't have and as such it's a major factor in what I've become.
One other thing I noticed was that my hair on this picture is very different from what it's usually like. I don't like asymmetry, but in this case it worked really well. I remember how people treated me at the time. It felt unusually good to have this much positive attention.
As a result I now realize what gives L her emotional strength. She cares a lot about how she appears to people and thus also gets lots of emotional support. This may as well be how she has managed to be so energetic and thus the reason for how I was effectively more intelligent when talking to her.
It certainly seems easy right now.
Also, I have kept up the anime routine. Yesterday I watched the entire Deadman Wonderland. Although it was gruesome it nonetheless gave me something. I feel like this emotional enlightenment that I feel right now is a result of the calmness that anime has given me. If I continue like this I might actually get over depression.
Why the picture affected me so is that on this picture I was smiling. Knowing myself, I immediately concluded that someone had told me to smile. This kind of emotional support is something that I currently don't have and as such it's a major factor in what I've become.
As a result I now realize what gives L her emotional strength. She cares a lot about how she appears to people and thus also gets lots of emotional support. This may as well be how she has managed to be so energetic and thus the reason for how I was effectively more intelligent when talking to her.
It certainly seems easy right now.
Also, I have kept up the anime routine. Yesterday I watched the entire Deadman Wonderland. Although it was gruesome it nonetheless gave me something. I feel like this emotional enlightenment that I feel right now is a result of the calmness that anime has given me. If I continue like this I might actually get over depression.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
On some fictional science
When I look at my google drive something stands out to me: a folder called "Capital Ships". There's just something about this name that makes me envision huge behemoths duking it out. Not just ships, but the best ships of each fleet. The kind that cost dozens of times as much as most others. The kind that can singlehandedly decide how a battle between fleets turns out. It's not really hard for me to picture this kind of power.
Visions like this are, for me, glimpses to the past. I don't really have the kind of imagination that I did when I was small, so having some of it break through to me is unusual. I still think about science fiction in my own way, but nowadays it's more about the technologies involved and sometimes the kinds of creatures that might exist. My visions have become less mighty and more mundane.
However, through the mundane I have been able to understand my created world better. What are those huge balls of energy that I saw in Star Sonata? In that game they call them pulse guns. At one point I realized though, that my pulse guns are less like the orbs of shock from Star Sonata and more like balls of fiery plasma. Thus, I decided at one point that I should codify their technology.
The way my pulse guns work is that a ball of super-heated plasma is enclosed in a magnetic or gravitic field. This field is then propelled somehow toward the target. Some really advanced guns of this kind can also change their projectiles' direction while in flight.
What's notable about this technology is that while we are used to having fields remain around the machine that created them, these fields do not. Although they may be created the normal way, they actually use the extreme energy of plasma to keep themselves going. The mechanism for it is somewhat similar to how a balloon keeps shape when filled with water - it's the pressure of the water pushing outwards that keeps the water from dispersing. Plasma works the same way here.
Later on I realized that this technology could really be used for many things. Although hot plasma is not easy to come by, some versions of this technology don't need it.
A huge advantage of being able to control fields like this is that you don't need to propel matter in order to create thrust. Thus, the same technology can be used in a different way as engines for ships. With a relatively small device you can gravitize(as a parallel to magnetizing) entire ships. Energy cost is relative to mass of the ship, but that's not a fundamental problem, as that applies with most kinds of propulsion.
Due to not needing any reaction mass this propulsion method has huge efficiency gains over chemical thrusters. The efficiency gains mostly apply for longer-distance travel, but that isn't really rare in the days when humans know of hundreds of habitable planets.
Visions like this are, for me, glimpses to the past. I don't really have the kind of imagination that I did when I was small, so having some of it break through to me is unusual. I still think about science fiction in my own way, but nowadays it's more about the technologies involved and sometimes the kinds of creatures that might exist. My visions have become less mighty and more mundane.
However, through the mundane I have been able to understand my created world better. What are those huge balls of energy that I saw in Star Sonata? In that game they call them pulse guns. At one point I realized though, that my pulse guns are less like the orbs of shock from Star Sonata and more like balls of fiery plasma. Thus, I decided at one point that I should codify their technology.
The way my pulse guns work is that a ball of super-heated plasma is enclosed in a magnetic or gravitic field. This field is then propelled somehow toward the target. Some really advanced guns of this kind can also change their projectiles' direction while in flight.
What's notable about this technology is that while we are used to having fields remain around the machine that created them, these fields do not. Although they may be created the normal way, they actually use the extreme energy of plasma to keep themselves going. The mechanism for it is somewhat similar to how a balloon keeps shape when filled with water - it's the pressure of the water pushing outwards that keeps the water from dispersing. Plasma works the same way here.
Later on I realized that this technology could really be used for many things. Although hot plasma is not easy to come by, some versions of this technology don't need it.
A huge advantage of being able to control fields like this is that you don't need to propel matter in order to create thrust. Thus, the same technology can be used in a different way as engines for ships. With a relatively small device you can gravitize(as a parallel to magnetizing) entire ships. Energy cost is relative to mass of the ship, but that's not a fundamental problem, as that applies with most kinds of propulsion.
Due to not needing any reaction mass this propulsion method has huge efficiency gains over chemical thrusters. The efficiency gains mostly apply for longer-distance travel, but that isn't really rare in the days when humans know of hundreds of habitable planets.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Happiness is oblivion
The way I think varies wildly based on how I feel. It's related to a trait of mine I call the "Mosaic Mind", which I won't bother with elaborating right now.
One notable difference is that when I feel bad in the longer term(read: depression) I start to look at things very logically. It feels like it's objective, but it's not because it actually disregards the emotional aspects.
However, when I feel well I don't even think about all those problems that I supposedly have. Today is one of those days. It makes me feel that all I really need to do is just forget, instead of desperately trying to figure out a plan. Maybe the bad times are really just a result of overthinking things and I would be better off caring less.
It certainly took a lot of anime to reach this point though. :)
One notable difference is that when I feel bad in the longer term(read: depression) I start to look at things very logically. It feels like it's objective, but it's not because it actually disregards the emotional aspects.
However, when I feel well I don't even think about all those problems that I supposedly have. Today is one of those days. It makes me feel that all I really need to do is just forget, instead of desperately trying to figure out a plan. Maybe the bad times are really just a result of overthinking things and I would be better off caring less.
It certainly took a lot of anime to reach this point though. :)
Depressed person watches anime. You won't believe what happens next! /s
First I should mention as clarification my sleeping schedule. It rotates if I let it. Usually the rotation is up to 1 hour per day, so in 24 days I should theoretically do a full circle. In practice that's not how it really works, since at times the rotation stops.
The day before yesterday I woke up at 20. That is, 8 PM. During the night after that I watched the first season of Attack on Titan, which is 25 episodes and all that currently exists, considering that the next season will start airing this year.
The following day I had some things that I needed to do, so I didn't go to sleep the time I normally would have. At 15 (which is 3 PM) I went to sleep and woke up at 23 (11 PM). That night I watched the entire Charlotte. That's 13 episodes.
The length of a standard episode of anime is 20 minutes, considering that I skip the intros most of the time.
So in other words, yesternight I watched 500 minutes of anime, which is a little under 8 hours with no pauses. Today I did the same, but it was 260 minutes, which is 4 hours and 20 minutes.
By this point I feel good.
I've noticed that watching anime is one of the few things that consistently helps against depression. Might not work for others, but it does help me. So it takes around 2 nights of anime to really feel good. I wonder how long the effect will last. It's probably a good idea to take note when the effect wears off. That is, if I don't watch any more the next few days.
The day before yesterday I woke up at 20. That is, 8 PM. During the night after that I watched the first season of Attack on Titan, which is 25 episodes and all that currently exists, considering that the next season will start airing this year.
The following day I had some things that I needed to do, so I didn't go to sleep the time I normally would have. At 15 (which is 3 PM) I went to sleep and woke up at 23 (11 PM). That night I watched the entire Charlotte. That's 13 episodes.
The length of a standard episode of anime is 20 minutes, considering that I skip the intros most of the time.
So in other words, yesternight I watched 500 minutes of anime, which is a little under 8 hours with no pauses. Today I did the same, but it was 260 minutes, which is 4 hours and 20 minutes.
By this point I feel good.
I've noticed that watching anime is one of the few things that consistently helps against depression. Might not work for others, but it does help me. So it takes around 2 nights of anime to really feel good. I wonder how long the effect will last. It's probably a good idea to take note when the effect wears off. That is, if I don't watch any more the next few days.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Why I don't talk
There are reasons to why I keep separate. In the past I used to think that it's not my choice, but by now I think it is. I choose to be alone because there is nothing to be had from this. Well, most of the time.
For me it's difficult to socialize with most people. When I was little I didn't care about what people think and this made things easy. But as time went on I got bullied for it. For practically my whole life I've been bullied both mentally and physically for who I am. It's not much of a wonder then that I don't like people, or is it?
Logically, the solution was conforming. I still know how to get along with people that are utterly useless and draining to me.
But I don't want to. That's the key. I don't want to be a fake and whenever I force myself it makes me hate myself.
From this perspective it makes sense to rather be alone that keep hurting yourself. But it's not like this was ever easy. People need to socialize, even those that think they don't. No matter how I tell myself it doesn't matter, it actually does. The reason is quite biological. Humans are social animals and when we get cut off we go mad.
I just wish there were more people I could talk to. I don't like being a liar, but at times it feels like that's the only way to get along. Sure, it's not technically lying to them if I treat people the way they want me to, but that doesn't console me. I hate lying to myself and this is enough of a reason. I hate putting effort into people that are not worth it. But I also don't like being alone. At times this has made me quite desperate.
It's hard for me to understand why it has to be like this. Despite all the reasons I've thought up, I still don't truly know. I still don't know how to be so that it would not strain me, but would also not scare away people.
I'm told that I look scary when I don't smile. But perhaps that's how I am? I am not used to smiling, not after I specifically learned to hide my emotions to prevent abuse. Yet, all the reasons I might have feel irrelevant here, because it's not for me to judge. If I look scary, then that's hardly something that I can ignore myself. And expecting others to ignore a part of me that to them seems so significant is just delusional.
On another note, I've started to dislike the design of my blog. It looked good when I made it this way, but now I find it harder to read this font. Still, I am hesitant to change it.
Well, whatever.
For me it's difficult to socialize with most people. When I was little I didn't care about what people think and this made things easy. But as time went on I got bullied for it. For practically my whole life I've been bullied both mentally and physically for who I am. It's not much of a wonder then that I don't like people, or is it?
Logically, the solution was conforming. I still know how to get along with people that are utterly useless and draining to me.
But I don't want to. That's the key. I don't want to be a fake and whenever I force myself it makes me hate myself.
From this perspective it makes sense to rather be alone that keep hurting yourself. But it's not like this was ever easy. People need to socialize, even those that think they don't. No matter how I tell myself it doesn't matter, it actually does. The reason is quite biological. Humans are social animals and when we get cut off we go mad.
I just wish there were more people I could talk to. I don't like being a liar, but at times it feels like that's the only way to get along. Sure, it's not technically lying to them if I treat people the way they want me to, but that doesn't console me. I hate lying to myself and this is enough of a reason. I hate putting effort into people that are not worth it. But I also don't like being alone. At times this has made me quite desperate.
It's hard for me to understand why it has to be like this. Despite all the reasons I've thought up, I still don't truly know. I still don't know how to be so that it would not strain me, but would also not scare away people.
I'm told that I look scary when I don't smile. But perhaps that's how I am? I am not used to smiling, not after I specifically learned to hide my emotions to prevent abuse. Yet, all the reasons I might have feel irrelevant here, because it's not for me to judge. If I look scary, then that's hardly something that I can ignore myself. And expecting others to ignore a part of me that to them seems so significant is just delusional.
On another note, I've started to dislike the design of my blog. It looked good when I made it this way, but now I find it harder to read this font. Still, I am hesitant to change it.
Well, whatever.
The strength to be good
Recently I've been pondering a complicated topic.
The kind of person I am has an easy time understanding others, if I really want to. However, the price of it is something that I've never really been able to carry. As a result I've become cold, or at least learned to act as if I were.
In order to listen to someone there are 2 ways. One of them is that you simply don't care, in which case they may blabber about whatever as long you get your selfish gain. But this isn't really listening. It's only in order to fool those that are already hurt enough as is.
The other way is really caring and putting aside your own thoughts, so as to focus on how they think and how it makes sense to them. Not judging is crucial.
However, judging is a defense mechanism for us all. It's easier to keep a distance from someone if you judge them and this distance matters at least to some degree.
Think about how horrible it would be if you cared personally about every starving child in Africa. Or about the thousands dying in war zones. Or the victims of domestic abuse. Or the socially neglected in depression. It would be unbearable, so we don't do this. Instead we pay for this by constructing a world view that does not reflect reality. We lie to ourselves, but we believe our lies, because they make it easier to live.
However, illusions are not the only way to cope with truly caring about someone. The only good way that I know is having been through the same problems as that person and having surpassed those things. If you really know how to solve a problem for yourself, you become invulnerable to that same problem in other people and this lets you really care about them without being hurt by their issues. Not that it would be easy...
The kind of person I am has an easy time understanding others, if I really want to. However, the price of it is something that I've never really been able to carry. As a result I've become cold, or at least learned to act as if I were.
In order to listen to someone there are 2 ways. One of them is that you simply don't care, in which case they may blabber about whatever as long you get your selfish gain. But this isn't really listening. It's only in order to fool those that are already hurt enough as is.
The other way is really caring and putting aside your own thoughts, so as to focus on how they think and how it makes sense to them. Not judging is crucial.
However, judging is a defense mechanism for us all. It's easier to keep a distance from someone if you judge them and this distance matters at least to some degree.
Think about how horrible it would be if you cared personally about every starving child in Africa. Or about the thousands dying in war zones. Or the victims of domestic abuse. Or the socially neglected in depression. It would be unbearable, so we don't do this. Instead we pay for this by constructing a world view that does not reflect reality. We lie to ourselves, but we believe our lies, because they make it easier to live.
However, illusions are not the only way to cope with truly caring about someone. The only good way that I know is having been through the same problems as that person and having surpassed those things. If you really know how to solve a problem for yourself, you become invulnerable to that same problem in other people and this lets you really care about them without being hurt by their issues. Not that it would be easy...
Friday, January 27, 2017
Cold outside, warm inside, the fact not for anyone to see.
I imagine people asking me "But Xonok, why are you so cold if you want people to understand you?"
Well, that's just how I am. As strange as it may be, I don't want the kind of respect that implies me to be high and mighty, because in the end it would be all the same. I don't want people to understand me as little as I understand them and to give me such.. distance. Wherever the notion came from that emotional distance = respect, I don't agree with it. The greatest respect for me is curiosity.
So as strange as it may be, despite my coldness I am warm inside. I am cold because I'm not used to showing my emotions, or who I am. I don't think I'm even a bad person. It's just that I find it a lot of effort to let emotions get out.There was a time in my life when I was harassed for being emotional, so now I no longer know how unless I think about it.
But who knows. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to under-stimulation that I really do not feel anything. That all those things I think I feel are just minor compared to other people.
Intellectually I understand people, but emotionally I don't. Yet I deceive myself by telling that I do. When I'm especially desperate or elated I might even tell someone else so.
My greatest challenge right now is loneliness. Some people say that it's better to live without people, but those are always the people that have socialization forced onto them. I'm the other way around - unless I specifically make it happen, I don't get to see almost anyone. It's horrible what kind of damage being alone can do to a person and yet no one appears to notice. As if people who stick to themselves truly wanted to be alone. I don't know any such people. As strange as it may be. (here, did I repeat it enough? My authoritarian manner of speech deceives too many, so I must spam disclaimers)
Well, that's just how I am. As strange as it may be, I don't want the kind of respect that implies me to be high and mighty, because in the end it would be all the same. I don't want people to understand me as little as I understand them and to give me such.. distance. Wherever the notion came from that emotional distance = respect, I don't agree with it. The greatest respect for me is curiosity.
So as strange as it may be, despite my coldness I am warm inside. I am cold because I'm not used to showing my emotions, or who I am. I don't think I'm even a bad person. It's just that I find it a lot of effort to let emotions get out.There was a time in my life when I was harassed for being emotional, so now I no longer know how unless I think about it.
But who knows. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to under-stimulation that I really do not feel anything. That all those things I think I feel are just minor compared to other people.
Intellectually I understand people, but emotionally I don't. Yet I deceive myself by telling that I do. When I'm especially desperate or elated I might even tell someone else so.
My greatest challenge right now is loneliness. Some people say that it's better to live without people, but those are always the people that have socialization forced onto them. I'm the other way around - unless I specifically make it happen, I don't get to see almost anyone. It's horrible what kind of damage being alone can do to a person and yet no one appears to notice. As if people who stick to themselves truly wanted to be alone. I don't know any such people. As strange as it may be. (here, did I repeat it enough? My authoritarian manner of speech deceives too many, so I must spam disclaimers)
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Conquering Depression
At times I feel helpless. It's difficult to describe how it feels to a person that has control over themselves. How can you explain it when everything is just... empty?
Logic doesn't apply when it's the emotions that are the problem. Technically false, but feels so true.
The problem with what I feel is that it takes away all motivation to fix it. Technically there are numerous ways, but depression is unique in the way that it's the only disease to cripple your willpower.
What happens if you get a physical trauma? You can use sheer willpower to eventually come back to your normal life. This applies to almost any kind of physical trauma because even if you can't be exactly as you were before, you can still improve greatly.
Mental diseases? If you have Alzheimer's there are ways to refresh your memory. Put stickers on things if you forget their names. Take notes of things that happen so you can remember them later.
For most diseases there is always something that you can do. For depression this applies too. But the problem with depression is how it convinces you there is no hope. A lack of hope is the most crippling disability there is.
But in the end what matters is not how you feel, but how you channel your feelings. If you can just get your feelings out, your life will get better. With depression the way to get back to life is to prove to yourself how you can do something. Channeling your feelings to something, anything, can get you moving. As long as you do anything it doesn't get nearly as bad and so by channeling your feelings you can break out.
Hence, I wrote a poem. Creative writing is one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done and my best writings were always from times when it was truly hard to keep going.
∞
Oh dear, we have potential
Us, humans, but so broken.
What a fine world,
to not conquer.
It always swirls,
yet remains unspoken.
Granted us by gods,
but now just taken.
From our ceasing words,
no longer feel the warmth.
The passion burns,
but only as temper.
I wish we'd heed the call of this melody,
Grasp the straws and be gratified.
Like a fool, but uplifted.
In times we feel well,
but usually live in cells,
of our existence so frail,
from these bars can't bail.
Yet at times can fly,
view the world from up high,
Realistically - before we die.
We are forsaken,
or so believe,
but are mistaken,
hopefully.
Why are we confined to chains of emptiness?
Who gets the gains from our sadness?
From our hollow hearts empty of happiness?
From the nights lost to sleeplessness?
It feels all in vain,
but to this sadness,
we give our tribute,
in sheer madness.
Logic doesn't apply when it's the emotions that are the problem. Technically false, but feels so true.
The problem with what I feel is that it takes away all motivation to fix it. Technically there are numerous ways, but depression is unique in the way that it's the only disease to cripple your willpower.
What happens if you get a physical trauma? You can use sheer willpower to eventually come back to your normal life. This applies to almost any kind of physical trauma because even if you can't be exactly as you were before, you can still improve greatly.
Mental diseases? If you have Alzheimer's there are ways to refresh your memory. Put stickers on things if you forget their names. Take notes of things that happen so you can remember them later.
For most diseases there is always something that you can do. For depression this applies too. But the problem with depression is how it convinces you there is no hope. A lack of hope is the most crippling disability there is.
But in the end what matters is not how you feel, but how you channel your feelings. If you can just get your feelings out, your life will get better. With depression the way to get back to life is to prove to yourself how you can do something. Channeling your feelings to something, anything, can get you moving. As long as you do anything it doesn't get nearly as bad and so by channeling your feelings you can break out.
Hence, I wrote a poem. Creative writing is one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done and my best writings were always from times when it was truly hard to keep going.
∞
Oh dear, we have potential
Us, humans, but so broken.
What a fine world,
to not conquer.
It always swirls,
yet remains unspoken.
Granted us by gods,
but now just taken.
From our ceasing words,
no longer feel the warmth.
The passion burns,
but only as temper.
I wish we'd heed the call of this melody,
Grasp the straws and be gratified.
Like a fool, but uplifted.
In times we feel well,
but usually live in cells,
of our existence so frail,
from these bars can't bail.
Yet at times can fly,
view the world from up high,
Realistically - before we die.
We are forsaken,
or so believe,
but are mistaken,
hopefully.
Why are we confined to chains of emptiness?
Who gets the gains from our sadness?
From our hollow hearts empty of happiness?
From the nights lost to sleeplessness?
It feels all in vain,
but to this sadness,
we give our tribute,
in sheer madness.
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