Today was a very good day. I got up very easily and was at full force the whole day. But it's only natural to me that I am not always "happy". I felt good the entire day and I still do, but I also feel sad right now. It's strange how I can enjoy some kinds of sadness, but I see what I have to see and do what I have to do. I'm filling my role and that's fulfilling in any circumstance.
As is with any good thing, there was no reason for me to be happy and there is no reason for me to be sad. Sure, I could find excuses. I could claim that I was happy because I was awake and didn't have any sleep deprivation, but that doesn't really capture the point. I'm not happy because bad things are missing, but rather because I get to focus on the good things. Lack of evil is neutrality, not goodness. It takes more than that.
But really the main reason why I have enjoyed the whole day so far is that I don't have any reasons. Usually I am always so intellectual, but today those things just don't matter and that's the best way it could be. It's not even one of those depressive episodes that make me numb. I can feel everything.
I can feel that with days like this it is only a matter of me doing or not doing. That whatever I choose to do, I will progress in and if I choose not to do anything, that's fine too. It's relaxing.
Objectively, it will not last.
Subjectively, I don't care if it does.
What matters is the here and now. All I can do and all I ever have to do is my best. I can't always be optimal. I can't rule the world or perfectly control myself, but that just means I'm human. It means I have something to improve at. Something to do. Perfection is the least enjoyable state of existence, if it comes at the cost of consistently sacrificing all resources you have. Sometimes being leisurely is good, sometimes not. Life is relative.
So what if my current best is not the physical limit of my capabilities. At least it's more consistent.
It isn't possible for a person to keep sacrificing themselves, after all. What you overdo one day, you lose to numbness the other. There are limits to what we can do and that's fine, because it means we don't always have to try our hardest. Doing your best is not the same as doing your most, neither should it be.
Funny how I'm not really used to feeling like this. I have this strange haze where everything amuses me, even sadness. I feel this so rarely that I haven't actually developed it into full-blown happiness. I can't even begin to describe it, because I'm so used to thinking in terms of intellectual values. Pessimistic values, that is, since my intellect has been so bogged down in negative things.
Happiness is not about thinking of things the way they are. It's not about objectivity. It's about not thinking at all. Subjectivity is simply better for happiness than being objective ever could be.
