Nescience and Repression

There is no such thing as direction, for those things are better left undefined. The moment something becomes absolute is the moment it dies.
I have for far too long used raw intelligence to grasp the essence of ideas. It works, but eventually by now I have reached the point where I have lost the sense of direction that I used to have, meaning that the generalizations do not lead me to actual information. In the end, no matter how good I am at making connections, I still need to base my thoughts on actual information and through a combination of generalizations and laziness I have denied myself a lot of information.

In the end it's all the same - This lack of motivation is crippling. I could, should and wish to be so much more, but at the end of the day I feel insufficient. In the end I reach my limits and, being the kind of person that I am, I see them way too clearly. The absolutes are daunting. It's comforting to be blind, but it's not the way of the mage. It's not my way, for my oaths do not allow this kind of laziness.

So what should I do? What is there to be done when a person has lost connection with the things and people he loves? Once again I have to admit nescience, despite this being my own life I'm talking about. Once again, I care more about others than myself and feel empty when it's not enough. Once again I promise myself happiness through others.
I am very well aware of my deception, but provedly unable to resist it.

As wise people have said, we focus too much on love and too little on loving. 

Anxiety

It indeed appears that my greatest problem is anxiety. When I'm anxious I do stupid things and often fail to uphold promises. I become overtaken by the feeling of powerlessness, because there doesn't appear to be noticeable progress. Perhaps it's best for me to be dull and simply not care about success. I tend to be more successful in general when I'm in a bad mood, because then I focus on the facts and don't really care as much about feelings - not even my own.

Why has it taken me so long to understand that my mage side can only come out when I'm feeling dull? I guess I just haven't thought about it, as there have been many problems to think about, many of them created by myself and especially by this anxiety.

Well, at least I am finally starting to calm down. This post and the previous prove it by the way how I wonder about those things without being controlled by emotions. 

Self-analysis.

My self-analysis skills have improved considerably over the years. Yet, the more I see the less I like what I see. I don't like myself and as time goes on I'm starting to doubt if I ever did.
Perhaps it's just a part of becoming an adult. Maybe in truth everyone is afraid of themselves, given the chance. It's just that people are rarely pushed as far as to see this.
I'm never happy with what I am and this kind of anxiety has only grown stronger over the years. It may as well be my fuel for success someday, but it doesn't really feel so good. Like with many things, it can't be enjoyed if you have any connection with it. As a wise person once said: "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa

I do not know yet what the meaning of this post is, but I will once it's over. There's many things that I can't be sure about, but at least in most cases I know I will eventually know if it matters to me.

What I want often becomes reality.  It's hard to tell whether it's  a gift or curse. I'm not really a strong enough person to only want things that will bring people good. I wish I was. Sometimes I place myself ahead of others. Sometimes I simply don't care.

Over time I have become less emotional by the looks of it, although deep inside I'm still the same. After years of pain it has eventually become noticeable to myself that I am damaged. I need to find relief and hope to do so by knowledge. Yet, it's bound to be a fool's errand, as knowledge is nothing more than a burden.
I'm not religious, but I still find wisdom in what many prophets said. It seems quite natural to assume that when someone talked to Jesus about becoming rich, then Jesus would not consider it good fortune. Rather, he'd ask "What will you do with it?".
Every good thing is a burden and every bad thing is a lesson. The balance is there and that's what's the most unnerving of it all - It's just not what we wish it was. Reality stares at me in the face and yet I don't dare to face it. Few ever do.

Resolve

Being competitive is a constant struggle, but that's exactly what makes it exciting. If you're participating, that is. Those who never try will always stay miserable and potentially meaningless.
I've found that competitiveness is more about attitude than actual skills. Sure, you need some kind of intelligence to be competitive, but that is only a minor part of it all. How many geniuses are drinking away their lives? - Too many.

Yet, the stupid rule. Why is that so? Does a person have to be stupid to have a chance? - No, not necessarily. Those that rule are not the ignorant ones, however stupid they may be. It could be said that by not accepting reality you challenge it. Great changes are almost always started by people who haven't liked the current reality for a while anyway. People who have their own realities that they consider better. The defining trait is stubbornness. One has to be stubborn at least somewhat to survive the constant barrage of conflicting ideas. There are always people who can persuade us to give up our ideals. We shall not.

Any kind of mastery requires being open to options. If you always lose a game, then it can't be the game's fault, can it? Yet, blaming the situation is easier and many do so, including me.
People in general like to be lazy, to not think much. Thinking little is fine as long as it doesn't damage your life. However, being too lazy makes it impossible to tell the difference. 
One has to be lazy to not rush into every little thing. Yet, one must also be persistent enough in following his ideals and being open to things that bring him closer. Many gifts are taken as threats at first, because everything new or incomprehensible is a threat according to our limbic brains.

Be calm. Assess the situation. You'll find many new paths that you didn't even dare think existed.

Love of all

I'm writing this post, for I feel that I have something to say once again.

Over the past few months my posts have mostly been about mildly technical things (leadership), checklists (the previous post) and other easy-to-write things. I feel that I am making myself a disservice by resorting to simple things.

Thus, the topic of this post is Love.

For me, love is a complicated subject and can mean many things. As an example, there is a certain person I call Love. Yet, she has to wait for her place in this blog, whenever that is.

One of my greatest dreams in life is to find someone who I feel truly close with in a way that doesn't force either of us to sacrifice ourselves just to be together. I guess this is a kind of love in the classical sense. So far, I have only felt this feeling for short periods of time and always deceitfully. Yet, I feel like it is possible to find True Love(TM).

There can also be other kinds of love. For instance, some people love makeup or manicure. I specifically don't, but in some sense do.

I also love some people. I wish them only good and sometimes at my own expense. Yet, it is a tough thing to live with, as I have hurt many and more have hurt me.
I feel that I am only my true self if I meditate often enough - Something that I have not done much recently. However, I already am doing this at the moment and this is what allows me to pour love into this post.

This post stayed in my drafts for over a week(started writing 9 days ago), so I just decided to publish it without anything extra.

My current hobbies

I've recently realized that even I don't appear to know what my hobbies are most of the time. Thus, neither would most other people.

As of currently they are:
Psychology - Mostly the practical kind, as I only recently started to read books. I have learned the most by interacting with actual people (wow). I consider myself a highly altruistic person, so just ask if you need help.
Game design - I like to build worlds and games offer some of the best ways to do so.
Drawing - Once again about building worlds. Usually my drawings have a lot of lore that only I know. The realism is lacking though, as it has little importance.
Harsh vocals - Also known as "screamo". I can use a few techniques, so I'm not a complete amateur, but please offer me to join a band! That would help a lot.
Refinement - It can pretty much be read as "doing things well". I like good clothes, although I'm not obsessed about them. I also try to make sure I know a lot about useful or otherwise interesting things.
Music - I collect a lot of it and have expanded my taste a lot over time. Currently I have about 10 000 tracks of music (mediamonkey says 12 000, but I have duplicates). I'm not really as much into it as I used to be anymore, so I'm no longer in touch with every track that I have. I used to be though. 

My views on leadership

I'm writing this post for a future me that hopefully will know more. The point is to have specific ideas laid out that I could later judge based on what I have or haven't achieved.

The purpose of a leader is to unite people into a big push, that would be unachievable to any member alone. As such, leaders (or groups) are not inherently needed in every project.
A successful leader has to understand multiple things better than other members:
1. What needs to be done in the project; how to measure whether people are doing the right thing. 2. The things that motivate the people working on this project, because not everyone is as much a fanatic as the spiritual leader likely is. 

I should make this post longer, but frankly I am very tired and still have to do more things today.

Haunted by perfection

Vying for perfection, I have lost my way. Am I myself anymore, if I can no longer feel as much?
Sure, my emotions are real and strong. But they don't seem right anymore.
I'm sifting through my memories to find a clue of what went wrong.
Somewhat I've always been a bit different. I believe this is fine.
However, I have become too distant to the people around me. It's simply not right to tie my life so closely with others. But then again, I also shouldn't be such a sociophobic person.
There has to be a middle ground and I will find it.

I've also started to go back in my youtube favourites. On my way I found a song that I had forgotten, but still dearly love.

Is there hope for me to feel real again, or am I bound to wander the depths of my mind? I wish I knew.

For a very long time I have tried to understand why I am here. What am I supposed to be doing? I feel that there are great deeds to be done, but in trying to find out what is my ultimate purpose, I have seemingly moved farther from it. I feel that what I'm doing is wrong, but my mind keeps telling me it's right.
I guess one of my poetic lines has now come back to me "Oh baby, your life is a mess".

A person has to live, not to think endlessly about how to do things better. I have now realized that one of my greatest faults has been not using my chances as much as I should.
Yes, it is indeed necessary to think deeply about things. At least for me.
However, this should never be more important than actually doing things. It is wrong to fall into introspection when everything is going fine. Yet, so I have done.

Perhaps someday I'll be a good person? There are people who would say that I already am. But I don't feel so anymore. I feel lost, despite technically achieving more than ever.

I also now know it is wrong to think so much about the shadows in my mind. It only makes them worse. Yes, I must deal with them, but not through giving them my life.
The shadows, they are a necessary evil. Without darkness, one can't see the light. However, darkness is still destructive to the mind of anyone who wants to conquer it.

Time to live.

Elegia

Am I a great soul, or is it just an illusion? If I am, then does it mean that greatness must always come through suffering?

Am I a great soul, or is it just an illusion? If I am, then does it mean that greatness must always come through suffering?

Oh how messy is life...

We all wish for love. Yet, few actually get it. Some don't know that they want it. Some have simply lost hope. Still, we all need it.

Some time ago, there used to be a person in my life, whom I now miss so dearly. Just this one person. I have many muses, most of them silent by now. Yet, only this specific one matters to me anymore. 
I wish for this one person to come back to my life. This one person who knows my soul better than I do and would now have the right to change it. 

/Take me apart, put me back together. If you survive it, then you're the one. - Me @ here.

Mental weariness (how I was wrong)

I have often thought that one of my biggest problems is the inability to not think. Essentially this is true and thus I was, for a long time, not able to see the problem clearly.
It is true, that I am unable to avoid thinking at least most of the time, but it is not because I've already spent all my energy. It is because I have spent half of it.

This creates a situation where I feel like doing something, but am unable to do anything that is actually complicated. Basically, I am tired, but not enough to actually force my mind to rest.
Due to this reason, I have needed to practice meditation before most big efforts. Meditation allows me to shut down my thoughts for a while, so I can gather some strength.

The weakness of meditation is that it requires actively perceiving myself, which is not so easy to do all the time. It doesn't specifically take energy, but it does take concentration.

Anyways, I have once again learned something about myself. Maybe it will delay my eventual insanity?

/There is little need for knowledge, but a lot of need for understanding. We already have enough knowledge for most of our needs, but too many have forgot how to understand. Me@Here.

Time and Thought

My motivations have always been based on some lacking qualities of others. This forces me to do something that is actually useful to people. However, it also means that I have a hard time with anyone who doesn't actually need me. I don't want to be a burden and thus, I choose to stay back as things happen around me.
As a mage, I put a lot of emphasis on the importance of understanding and the cost in time that it means. That makes me act slow or rushed when time is pressing on. However, it also allows me to solve problems and understand ideas that few others can.
Due to those things, I sometimes rush into the action and get smashed. This has made me very cautious and created a drive in me to take more time whenever things get tough. However, it too has it's disadvantages. I can be caught in a never-ending loop of taking more time, but failing to finish things due to more responsibilities piling up. I need time, but I don't always get it.

Questions are just disguised lies

I see a world. A world without words. Is this life? Is this death?
Do I see meaning, or is it just an illusion? A life of lies is not even an illusion.
What are words without truth? What is silence without darkness?
What is darkness, if not truth? What are words, if not noise?
There are no words that can truly say something. Words can never be enough.

Is there feeling without lies? Is there knowledge without deceit?
Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is ever simple - Never, what it seems.

There is only darkness.

Shadows in my mind

The shadows in me are gathering. For a long time, I thought that my misery comes from some strange kind of superiority. However, as it seems now, it has been nothing more but self-deceit. There is something that I've been hiding from myself and now it's tearing me apart. This is the ultimate reason why I lack almost any kind of motivation at the moment. I have lost balance.

However, I will still try my best to achieve. My mind may be infested by horrors, but not my will. For some strange reason, I'm purposefully trying to develop attacker traits in myself.

/Knowledge is just another illusion for making us lazy. - Me @ Here.

Introspection

For some reason we seem to believe, that by capturing every detail of something, we can capture the meaning of it. Foolishly we cling to this hope, often not understanding that greater forms are often simpler. It is not always needed to know every detail in order to see the patterns.
Some call it God, some call it Order. They are of no difference to me. The world is quite logical, even though the logic seems messy to human eyes.

I fear judgement. Maybe it is not right for me to be in school at the moment? Perhaps this is not what I need. I know why I have still so far chosen to be here - fear of the unknown. I do not know what I would do if I wasn’t here doing exactly what I am doing now. I am foolish, because by staying here I do not actually follow my own path. Yet, I criticize this very path that I walk, because I hope it would someday be better. Perhaps not to me, but to those who walk on it after me.
Am I foolish to cling to this hope, or does it mean that I work for a greater good? I don’t really know.

I hope that someday I will be useful to someone.
Indeed, I am so today, but so far I only have what will pass. Will I eventually find something that can stand the test of time? I wish I knew the answers...
My life is just a ripple on the pond of life.

On various occasions in my life, people have called me wise. They say that I am more mature than most people of my age. Yet, I do not feel so. I feel I have been given some talents, but that in the end I am still a child. Then again, isn't everyone? We find ways to hide our true being, but do we actually succeed in changing ourselves?

/This life may be a walk in the park, but if so, then it is also so for the wolves. - Me at here.

Personality types(and me)

Is life a challenge or a scam? It is hard to know for sure.

In this world there are 3 main personalities that people can have. Each of them is categorized by the main (trait).
1. Tanks(durability) - Those people are very good at surviving through hardships, but usually do not like them, as they are not reckless(like type 2 are). They shield others from damage by sacrificing a part of themselves.
2. Attackers(drive/strength) - Often reckless and not caring about themselves, pure attackers know nothing but offense. This is their strength and weakness at the same time, as they often don't know when to stop fighting. This leads them to great achievements, but also makes them more likely to burn out.
3. Mages(contemplation) - Characterized by a strong ability to think things through, those people are the ultimate problem-solvers. While type 2 people are good at fighting back anything that has an effect, type 3 can solve a problem for good. However, they are fairly clumsy and often not very adaptive, as they need long periods of time to make a difference.

I belong to types 1 and 3, mostly 3. Due to my combination of tank(protection) and mage(thinking) I have become a sort of a healer. My life carries little meaning alone, because my strength lies in helping others. This has, on numerous occasions, turned my life miserable.
I don't really have a point when I can't help others, because it has become a part of my life and a reason for effort.

Follow-up: Hope?

Perhaps the reason I feel so powerless is that I am on the edge of my capabilities? It would explain everything that I can think of in this moment.
Perhaps I am simply so stressed out that I no longer know how to lie down and relax? It simply makes sense now...

Exhaustion washes over me. I feel somewhat worse, but at least the pain is gone. It's as if I was slumbering towards death...

Finding reason in my life once again. Just like I've done many times...

Some people always wish to judge. The point of their life is, apparently, to quantify and qualify. To such people it is painful to not know something, because it gives them no chance to judge.
Am I like this? Sometimes I feel like I contain everything that I hate, so it might be so. Yet, I do not see how it would apply in this case. Maybe eventually I will(?)

Being everything to everyone is so messy...(me)

Sometimes challenges are the best teachers. This can never be seen by those who don't undertake them.

I tried to find myself through finding others. I didn't actually realize back then, that it's not to be done like that. We are defined by those around us, whether we want it or not.

Why did I give myself up? Why have I been giving myself up for all this time? I used to be a cheerful little child. Little of it is left and now I see that I changed away from it slowly, but surely. Why did I think it better to change towards the worse?

Some things are much easier to see when you don't have them.

Practice stupidity or you won't know how to avoid it.

In search of others I almost lost myself. I did not know who I am and thus, was never really able to understand anyone else either. However, I have now looked over my blog and realized, that the answer had been under my nose all along.
I changed, because I wanted to understand others. In doing so, I turned colder and showed out less. This is why I am like I am.
It was so easy, I just didn't know it.

I started writing this post right after the previous. Yet, I now know so much that I didn't know just a few hours into the past.

Changing away from myself

Times have changed me and the world inside me.
I feel I'm no longer who I used to be and this was further proven when I read the first few posts of this very blog.
My grammar and anything that can be technically measures has improved. Yet, I feel like I've lost something.
I wish to be the cheerful child that I used to be. Indeed, I did have my dark moment back then too. I still do, but back then they weren't everything.
I'm stronger and smarter than I've ever been, but it now feels like it has all turned against me. My brain is so full of connections that I see my faults much too well. Perhaps I am still good at giving critique, but what does it give to me? What does it give to others?
I lack any actual interest in almost anything, so I have forced myself to act as if I had.

Oh the hollow feeling inside...
I just wish I still felt what the point of my life is... Just as I used to.