Happy?

For my whole life I have been fairly static. I've never went with any trends. Never listened to advice before it's too late. Never followed orders.
This has made me into a very different person.
I don't really feel the need to go to any concerts, because I just don't go past a certain point. I never really turn into a "fan".
This kind of lifestyle has made me lonely. I don't really understand people as much as I would like to believe I do. Yes, I read people. But I don't know how to use it to simply socialize.
I must always have a goal or purpose. 
For those reasons I am unable to work very well as a drone. I am harder to motivate with cookie-cutter ways. I am harder to manipulate than the masses.
I could perhaps fit for a leader. But what kind? I simply do not know.

After all this the main thing what's left to ask is: "Do I feel happy?"
The answer is "No. I do not."
However, I am happier than I would be if I tried to be like the others.

Here are 2 songs that somewhat describe how I feel. 

/The limits on our lives are placed by ourselves

Stumbling in darkness... as I always have

I stumble in darkness, yet seeing it all.

Sometimes I forget who I am and who I want to be. Sometimes the void fills me through lots of seemingly meaningful activities.
Yet, I must not forget, that I have a purpose.
This blog is a benchmark. It shows whether I am moving in the right direction.

To victory! To confidence!!!!!111oneone

In life a person has to keep pushing forward. It's so easy to stop, but if one stops, then one doesn't start moving again. Life does not favor being static, or at least not as a living organism.
This is basically what I have been doing, in my own quirky way nonetheless.

In short:
Game development(and I mean lots of it)
Confidence from the former
Work(the real kind)

Also, for whatever reason I seem to have turned a bit smarter. I wait 5-10 minutes for people to figure out what they want and then just read out the list(which I made before) and they got nothing more to ask.

Stop the world, I need to get off

It appears that I haven't posted in a long time. To be honest, I just forgot to do so.
Anyways, what have I been doing?

Programming(in Warcraft 3 of course)
Programming
Brainstorming
Programming
...

Boring to anyone but me.

I have also realized how much math it takes to make a proper game. This doesn't only mean formulae. Math is a way of thinking, not a subject. 

Some more about me.
In some sense I am crazy. Well, I definitely ain't normal, but there's more to that. I am a splintered person. Having dual personalities is far under me.
Today I was talking to a person about it and I realized that the reason why people are rarely capable of annoying me is that at some point I mute them(figuratively). Just like I mute the voices in my head. Afterall, conscience is also just another voice in your head.
When I'm dead-sure that I am right, then I don't let people change my mind. It doesn't happen often, but it happens.

Thoughts:
The school system gives you exactly what it has to give, but rarely in an acceptable format...
Every person has their own kind of charity. Namely the one that they didn't get.
If you can understand the lyrics of a song well enough to complain over them, then the music is not good enough. 

/Xonok, the one and lonely. 

Memories of the days gone past

Tonight I was looking through my previous writings. None of this blog yet, but those that I have in google drive.
I am simply amazed. It might sound egotistical, but I HAVE written well. I want to write more like that. It's like reading the perfect book, except that I am the one to write it.
It's pure heaven.

And I haven't slept tonight, which is what I meant with the first word of this post.
But I am not tired, far from that. I am active and anxious. I want to write. I did write.
I am a machine of ideas. A machine for ideas.

Within the last few days I have learned to direct and control my imagination. I can now inspire myself, so that I won't be as dependent on spontaneous inspiration as I used to be.
Hopefully it helps. Hopefully it doesn't mean that I will write some crap. I really hope I won't, as writing is more than a hobby for me. It's life. I live to write and if I live, then I must write. Just like I wrote over 8 months ago. Maybe even before. I have once again become poetic, as one might see by my grammar style.
Btw, not even the almighty Google can find any grammar mistakes in my writings anymore. I am now officially capable of writing in American English.

Now some stuff that I can't just stop myself from writing. Nor would I want to.

"Dispersed phrases everywhere. I remember how well I have written. I WANT to write more, if my writings can be good. " - Me at Here.

Give me love and I give far more back...

/Still looking for more, never letting it fall. This is my lore. This is all.
proudly, Xonok the Endorian

Not for the weak-eared

I think that this song is awesome. However, it's considerably heavy. Even for me. So don't say that you haven't been warned.

/People can only judge what they see - Xonok

A screaming story

People like things that they can understand.
Often they even love things that they would hate if they didn't know.
I've realized, that I've come to this point with screaming(musically).

I was perhaps 12 when my sister's boyfriend showed me slipknot. He had showed a few songs when I said that it's too heavy for me. What I mean't was the screaming.
Then he showed me Duality.
This sort of opened my eyes.

 A little at first, but eventually I was with Escape the fate.

Then some months past that I couldn't really say much about. The next point that I remember clearly is that Ronnu showed me some bands that I considered very heavy at that point. It's amazing, because... I don't think so anymore.
Among them was Black Veil Brides. I especially disliked this one. However, that was only until I found out who their singer really is as a person.
Black Veil Brides is said to be named like that because the singer is religious. A black veil bride is a nun - a person that has given up all earthly pleasures to reach higher goals. It sort of made me realize who I'm dealing with. I got MENTALIZED... Umm, okay then. Well I found out his mentality... End of story.

After that point I came back to escape the fate(and some others that I hadn't listened much to), but this time the table was turned. This time the screaming brought me back. Why? Because screaming clears out the mess that always exists in a human mind and THAT makes it possible for people to really hear the beautifully sang lyrics. Those that aren't screamed...

Now I am training my voice. Both for singing normally and screaming. While searching for help in youtube I came across this. Which is, at the moment, the one I consider one of the best.

 I guess someone knows a lot more about me know. I hate mysticism... as long as I'm not the one creating it :D