Essence

This is the most unusual post that I've made, so bear or perish.

Spirit:
I’m a person with no past, as I can not remember it.
Yet, I know many things.
I know that people are not mainly good or evil. They are something between, as pure extremes are never sustainable.
I know that my mind is special. I can not remember anything, but yet I know, because I create worlds. My mind is only a simulator for things that I could see.
What do I see? I only see patterns. I see possibilities. I see realities, but not any specific one.
I know that Time is only a dimension, just like height,width and length. It does not make sense to classify it as anything else, even though we are flying through it.
I don’t have a past, because no one does.

Mind:
In my life I have seen many systems. I know a lot of things about the world and even more about what I don’t know.
I am a god in itself, yet, there are forces greater than me.
Being a god does not mean being unbound. Quite the opposite, as a person without bounds is unmeasurable and thus, irrelevant to our world.
I am constantly striving for the better, despite all forces that tr to put me down.
I live my life knowing, that I am not unbound. Yet, I live.
I am not crippled by knowing, that I am not the best and most powerful. No one is the strongest.

Soul:
I’m a person of darkness, yet, I bring light.
The world is only as limited as you make it to be. It is your own.

This test was brought to you by Xonok. Yes, I wrote it all by myself.

Coming back

 I feel my inner world coming back. Slowly, but surely I'm reviving from my unnoticed drone-hood.
Of the years that I've been reading people only the last few years I've actually worked on developing this skill. Up until this point it was purely natural talent and/or random tries.
Now I'm turning more and more cold and analytical. I purposefully try to reverse-engineer the minds of the people around me.

/One doesn't have to be unemphatic to be cold. Sometimes being cold can be good - Xonok @ here

Happy?

For my whole life I have been fairly static. I've never went with any trends. Never listened to advice before it's too late. Never followed orders.
This has made me into a very different person.
I don't really feel the need to go to any concerts, because I just don't go past a certain point. I never really turn into a "fan".
This kind of lifestyle has made me lonely. I don't really understand people as much as I would like to believe I do. Yes, I read people. But I don't know how to use it to simply socialize.
I must always have a goal or purpose. 
For those reasons I am unable to work very well as a drone. I am harder to motivate with cookie-cutter ways. I am harder to manipulate than the masses.
I could perhaps fit for a leader. But what kind? I simply do not know.

After all this the main thing what's left to ask is: "Do I feel happy?"
The answer is "No. I do not."
However, I am happier than I would be if I tried to be like the others.

Here are 2 songs that somewhat describe how I feel. 

/The limits on our lives are placed by ourselves

Stumbling in darkness... as I always have

I stumble in darkness, yet seeing it all.

Sometimes I forget who I am and who I want to be. Sometimes the void fills me through lots of seemingly meaningful activities.
Yet, I must not forget, that I have a purpose.
This blog is a benchmark. It shows whether I am moving in the right direction.

To victory! To confidence!!!!!111oneone

In life a person has to keep pushing forward. It's so easy to stop, but if one stops, then one doesn't start moving again. Life does not favor being static, or at least not as a living organism.
This is basically what I have been doing, in my own quirky way nonetheless.

In short:
Game development(and I mean lots of it)
Confidence from the former
Work(the real kind)

Also, for whatever reason I seem to have turned a bit smarter. I wait 5-10 minutes for people to figure out what they want and then just read out the list(which I made before) and they got nothing more to ask.

Stop the world, I need to get off

It appears that I haven't posted in a long time. To be honest, I just forgot to do so.
Anyways, what have I been doing?

Programming(in Warcraft 3 of course)
Programming
Brainstorming
Programming
...

Boring to anyone but me.

I have also realized how much math it takes to make a proper game. This doesn't only mean formulae. Math is a way of thinking, not a subject. 

Some more about me.
In some sense I am crazy. Well, I definitely ain't normal, but there's more to that. I am a splintered person. Having dual personalities is far under me.
Today I was talking to a person about it and I realized that the reason why people are rarely capable of annoying me is that at some point I mute them(figuratively). Just like I mute the voices in my head. Afterall, conscience is also just another voice in your head.
When I'm dead-sure that I am right, then I don't let people change my mind. It doesn't happen often, but it happens.

Thoughts:
The school system gives you exactly what it has to give, but rarely in an acceptable format...
Every person has their own kind of charity. Namely the one that they didn't get.
If you can understand the lyrics of a song well enough to complain over them, then the music is not good enough. 

/Xonok, the one and lonely. 

Memories of the days gone past

Tonight I was looking through my previous writings. None of this blog yet, but those that I have in google drive.
I am simply amazed. It might sound egotistical, but I HAVE written well. I want to write more like that. It's like reading the perfect book, except that I am the one to write it.
It's pure heaven.

And I haven't slept tonight, which is what I meant with the first word of this post.
But I am not tired, far from that. I am active and anxious. I want to write. I did write.
I am a machine of ideas. A machine for ideas.

Within the last few days I have learned to direct and control my imagination. I can now inspire myself, so that I won't be as dependent on spontaneous inspiration as I used to be.
Hopefully it helps. Hopefully it doesn't mean that I will write some crap. I really hope I won't, as writing is more than a hobby for me. It's life. I live to write and if I live, then I must write. Just like I wrote over 8 months ago. Maybe even before. I have once again become poetic, as one might see by my grammar style.
Btw, not even the almighty Google can find any grammar mistakes in my writings anymore. I am now officially capable of writing in American English.

Now some stuff that I can't just stop myself from writing. Nor would I want to.

"Dispersed phrases everywhere. I remember how well I have written. I WANT to write more, if my writings can be good. " - Me at Here.

Give me love and I give far more back...

/Still looking for more, never letting it fall. This is my lore. This is all.
proudly, Xonok the Endorian