Self-analysis.

My self-analysis skills have improved considerably over the years. Yet, the more I see the less I like what I see. I don't like myself and as time goes on I'm starting to doubt if I ever did.
Perhaps it's just a part of becoming an adult. Maybe in truth everyone is afraid of themselves, given the chance. It's just that people are rarely pushed as far as to see this.
I'm never happy with what I am and this kind of anxiety has only grown stronger over the years. It may as well be my fuel for success someday, but it doesn't really feel so good. Like with many things, it can't be enjoyed if you have any connection with it. As a wise person once said: "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa

I do not know yet what the meaning of this post is, but I will once it's over. There's many things that I can't be sure about, but at least in most cases I know I will eventually know if it matters to me.

What I want often becomes reality.  It's hard to tell whether it's  a gift or curse. I'm not really a strong enough person to only want things that will bring people good. I wish I was. Sometimes I place myself ahead of others. Sometimes I simply don't care.

Over time I have become less emotional by the looks of it, although deep inside I'm still the same. After years of pain it has eventually become noticeable to myself that I am damaged. I need to find relief and hope to do so by knowledge. Yet, it's bound to be a fool's errand, as knowledge is nothing more than a burden.
I'm not religious, but I still find wisdom in what many prophets said. It seems quite natural to assume that when someone talked to Jesus about becoming rich, then Jesus would not consider it good fortune. Rather, he'd ask "What will you do with it?".
Every good thing is a burden and every bad thing is a lesson. The balance is there and that's what's the most unnerving of it all - It's just not what we wish it was. Reality stares at me in the face and yet I don't dare to face it. Few ever do.