Cold outside, warm inside, the fact not for anyone to see.

I imagine people asking me "But Xonok, why are you so cold if you want people to understand you?"
Well, that's just how I am. As strange as it may be, I don't want the kind of respect that implies me to be high and mighty, because in the end it would be all the same. I don't want people to understand me as little as I understand them and to give me such.. distance. Wherever the notion came from that emotional distance = respect, I don't agree with it. The greatest respect for me is curiosity.
So as strange as it may be, despite my coldness I am warm inside. I am cold because I'm not used to showing my emotions, or who I am. I don't think I'm even a bad person. It's just that I find it a lot of effort to let emotions get out.There was a time in my life when I was harassed for being emotional, so now I no longer know how unless I think about it.
But who knows. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to under-stimulation that I really do not feel anything. That all those things I think I feel are just minor compared to other people.
Intellectually I understand people, but emotionally I don't. Yet I deceive myself by telling that I do. When I'm especially desperate or elated I might even tell someone else so.

My greatest challenge right now is loneliness. Some people say that it's better to live without people, but those are always the people that have socialization forced onto them. I'm the other way around - unless I specifically make it happen, I don't get to see almost anyone. It's horrible what kind of damage being alone can do to a person and yet no one appears to notice. As if people who stick to themselves truly wanted to be alone. I don't know any such people. As strange as it may be. (here, did I repeat it enough? My authoritarian manner of speech deceives too many, so I must spam disclaimers)