Return to Sadness

It sure has been a while since I was last here.
There are so many things I don't understand. The more I know, the more I feel insufficient. Was all that potential given to me as an ironic joke? Surely there must be some point to it.
With great potential comes great responsibility to use it, but I don't feel like I've been doing nearly well enough. Sure, I have done a lot, but the mood swings and lack of persistence are always taking a toll. Why am I still not able to do any real programming? What happened with my interest in psychology and helping people? It's there, but I don't feel like I'm really doing enough... people bore and disappoint me more than ever too. But then again what I do isn't all that interesting either.
I wield great force and ability in things that don't matter much in the bigger scheme of things. Or if  they do, then in what way? I have no idea. I can't really cry either, I've mostly lost that ability again.
If I could cry it would be a sign that my sadness is at least sincere, but I can't. It feels like both my happiness and sadness are halfway. There's so much mediocrity that I can't bear and most of it is me. What's with my motivation?

Yet at other times I am perfectly fine. I do fine for a while and  then I just break down. Are my wounds that deep? When did I really get those wounds? Looking back at notes from 4 years ago I can see that I was sad even then. I was at times happy, at times sad, but overall it was already apparent that I have a lot of negativity in me. Well, now that I look at those times I can at least see this, back then I didn't.

Any pattern that repeats too much is painful for me. Always has been. Well, this time the pattern is my own mind, my own emotions. I wish to break the cycle, but I just don't know how.

What is it that I even want anymore? Am I still depressed or is this just a temporary phase? I'm doing fine objectively, but whenever I am away from people for too long I realize just how broken I am. Yet, I can't be with people the way I used to be either. It's driving me insane how I am now unable to trust, unwilling to make myself vulnerable, unwilling to accept pain so much that the fear itself is painful.
I don't trust myself around people that I love. The times I've abused power and brought people down to my own level of pain have made me cautious. I don't want to hurt them, but how can I approach them then? How can I take care of my own needs without taking something important away from someone else? At times it's crippling me to understand just how much I'd be able to do to a person. It's such a strong negative emotion that I have stopped talking at all to some people simply out of fear of hurting them. They didn't ever understand this, since I rarely talk about it.

In the past I was much more aggressive socially. I got myself a couple girlfriends over the years(usually not at the same time) and lost them painfully some time later. I have now understood that the only reason I got so many chances to approach people is because I instinctively seduced them. It's considered perfectly normal for most people, actually. Yet, they don't even understand. It's not possible to talk with the vast majority of people about what it is that makes them tick. About what really works on them. Because they don't know and/or are afraid of admitting it. It makes me sad.
I hurt a few such people mostly because I was too insecure about myself. I hadn't really learned nearly enough to avoid some mistakes. To anyone else many of those mistakes would have been obvious, but not to me who had had very little social interaction.

I think of the one that I've become and I'm not happy. I'm not fine with losing so much for so weak reasons. How am I supposed to pretend it? How am I supposed to put up with a pressure that I don't even understand fully? It's hard to say whether it's the perfection or lack of it that's killing me.
Even as I pour my heart out here I still remain calm. I'm not doing this very emotionally by my own standards, because if I allowed myself to feel more, I'd be utterly unable to put up with the pain. I'd cry endlessly until I could cry no more. But maybe that's what I really should do?

Writing my worries out like this has always been helpful. My first short stories were actually written in times of great despair. There was always something heavy on me that I needed to get off of my shoulders and that made me create. Now I don't have any immediate concerns like this anymore, so I am having trouble writing almost anything. But I am slowly coming back to the me that I used to be. Well, partially...

I've seen things repeat so much, but it's all worthless. The only thing that really mattered to me in the past few years was my loved ones being happy. Especially this one Lov.
When I failed her I was more broken than I had been in my life. Nothing had been able to mess me up so bad. And yet that was only one of the 2 things that blew me down. I had been falling for a while, but only then did I realize just how broken I am. It disgusted me, it made me cry,  it made me lament my stupidity, it made me laugh over how weak I have been. Only once was I able to laugh off my weakness and even that was when the damage had already been done to me and others. I had already taken the greatest 2 hits of my life when I found just how hilariously stupid my situation is. Well, whether it's a joke or not, it's still here. I'm not so obsessively broken as I was in those weeks of deep depression, but I am still not fine either. What do I have to do to lift this curse? What is it that I even want? Everything seems so pointless when I'm down.

If  a person doesn't want anything, nothing can be done to make them happy. As I poetically bleed ink, I'm still worthless. More worthless than I have ever been, as if that was possible. As if there were multiple degrees of worthlessness. Well, before this I had more hope. I had a vague knowledge of better things to come. Come they did, but so did things that hurt me, most of it my own stupidity - that same stupidity which helped me remain standing in this storm of negativity.
What can I do that would make me worthwhile again? Is there a heaven for one such as me? I'm not religious, but I still hope for some kind of salvation. Some kind of fulfillment of purpose.
I know it's only me that can truly change my life, but I still don't know how. If someone can lift me up... please...

A rant on stuff

"You scare the shit out of me."

Why?

How?

"Just the way you are."

Well, thank you.
I don't like this kind of flattery though. I don't like being told that I have power if it's not the kind of power that can do good.

Because it reminds me how horrible it is to be like me.

No fucking autopilot whatsoever. I can do whatever the fuck I want, but it's worse than just not having to think.

It makes things too extreme.

Just please, don't keep saying that I can't do anything.

The worst thing about this all is understanding when I have some kind of connection with a person and then seeing it disappear. It makes me feel helpless over my own life, because whatever I do, it's all wrong for someone.

Whatever I do, it's never fucking enough.

Not for you, not for anyone.

This is what has fucked me up.

And it began with name-censored-here.

But that's how it tends to be.

My feelings don't matter. The only thing that matters is whether I am like people imagine me.

Which I'm not.

So they delude themselves into thinking they know me.

Make promises to themselves in my name.

And get hurt when it turns out they misunderstood.

"Then maybe you are not clear enough."

I can't read people's minds.

Not like that at least.

It takes some faith from both sides.

I have faith, but it's not enough when I'm the only one that has any.

And it takes something to understand that people are not how we wish them to be and never will be, but that they are willing to change, if you change with them.

That's a part of what love is.

Putting other people on the same level as yourself.

But no, being judgemental is so much more comfortable.

And that's why people are not happy. They expect the sky to rain pink unicorns and get butthurt when it doesn't happen.

Instead of just working to make themselves better and to make things work.

Maybe that's me being a man.

Maybe it's just people, including me, being idiots.

Letting go of the pain, perhaps

Fighting the anxiety, fighting the pain. I've started to feel that if I let them overcome me, I may as well be dead. It is a strange kind of unlife that I occasionally submit to; not quite thinking, not quite dead.
Yet I have also found strength in myself. Sometimes it takes a deep glimpse into the darkness to truly reject it. Being miserable is not necessary for being a good person and thus, I have lost one of the greatest hurdles to making myself happy. Perhaps my job will someday be making someone happy by being happy. It certainly feels better to think about than letting them down by being far too weak to reach the heights I've helped them reach.

Consider this a new beginning, if you may. The pain has served its purpose. It's now time for other feelings to take its place and move us onward.

Nescience and Repression

There is no such thing as direction, for those things are better left undefined. The moment something becomes absolute is the moment it dies.
I have for far too long used raw intelligence to grasp the essence of ideas. It works, but eventually by now I have reached the point where I have lost the sense of direction that I used to have, meaning that the generalizations do not lead me to actual information. In the end, no matter how good I am at making connections, I still need to base my thoughts on actual information and through a combination of generalizations and laziness I have denied myself a lot of information.

In the end it's all the same - This lack of motivation is crippling. I could, should and wish to be so much more, but at the end of the day I feel insufficient. In the end I reach my limits and, being the kind of person that I am, I see them way too clearly. The absolutes are daunting. It's comforting to be blind, but it's not the way of the mage. It's not my way, for my oaths do not allow this kind of laziness.

So what should I do? What is there to be done when a person has lost connection with the things and people he loves? Once again I have to admit nescience, despite this being my own life I'm talking about. Once again, I care more about others than myself and feel empty when it's not enough. Once again I promise myself happiness through others.
I am very well aware of my deception, but provedly unable to resist it.

As wise people have said, we focus too much on love and too little on loving. 

Anxiety

It indeed appears that my greatest problem is anxiety. When I'm anxious I do stupid things and often fail to uphold promises. I become overtaken by the feeling of powerlessness, because there doesn't appear to be noticeable progress. Perhaps it's best for me to be dull and simply not care about success. I tend to be more successful in general when I'm in a bad mood, because then I focus on the facts and don't really care as much about feelings - not even my own.

Why has it taken me so long to understand that my mage side can only come out when I'm feeling dull? I guess I just haven't thought about it, as there have been many problems to think about, many of them created by myself and especially by this anxiety.

Well, at least I am finally starting to calm down. This post and the previous prove it by the way how I wonder about those things without being controlled by emotions. 

Self-analysis.

My self-analysis skills have improved considerably over the years. Yet, the more I see the less I like what I see. I don't like myself and as time goes on I'm starting to doubt if I ever did.
Perhaps it's just a part of becoming an adult. Maybe in truth everyone is afraid of themselves, given the chance. It's just that people are rarely pushed as far as to see this.
I'm never happy with what I am and this kind of anxiety has only grown stronger over the years. It may as well be my fuel for success someday, but it doesn't really feel so good. Like with many things, it can't be enjoyed if you have any connection with it. As a wise person once said: "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa

I do not know yet what the meaning of this post is, but I will once it's over. There's many things that I can't be sure about, but at least in most cases I know I will eventually know if it matters to me.

What I want often becomes reality.  It's hard to tell whether it's  a gift or curse. I'm not really a strong enough person to only want things that will bring people good. I wish I was. Sometimes I place myself ahead of others. Sometimes I simply don't care.

Over time I have become less emotional by the looks of it, although deep inside I'm still the same. After years of pain it has eventually become noticeable to myself that I am damaged. I need to find relief and hope to do so by knowledge. Yet, it's bound to be a fool's errand, as knowledge is nothing more than a burden.
I'm not religious, but I still find wisdom in what many prophets said. It seems quite natural to assume that when someone talked to Jesus about becoming rich, then Jesus would not consider it good fortune. Rather, he'd ask "What will you do with it?".
Every good thing is a burden and every bad thing is a lesson. The balance is there and that's what's the most unnerving of it all - It's just not what we wish it was. Reality stares at me in the face and yet I don't dare to face it. Few ever do.

Resolve

Being competitive is a constant struggle, but that's exactly what makes it exciting. If you're participating, that is. Those who never try will always stay miserable and potentially meaningless.
I've found that competitiveness is more about attitude than actual skills. Sure, you need some kind of intelligence to be competitive, but that is only a minor part of it all. How many geniuses are drinking away their lives? - Too many.

Yet, the stupid rule. Why is that so? Does a person have to be stupid to have a chance? - No, not necessarily. Those that rule are not the ignorant ones, however stupid they may be. It could be said that by not accepting reality you challenge it. Great changes are almost always started by people who haven't liked the current reality for a while anyway. People who have their own realities that they consider better. The defining trait is stubbornness. One has to be stubborn at least somewhat to survive the constant barrage of conflicting ideas. There are always people who can persuade us to give up our ideals. We shall not.

Any kind of mastery requires being open to options. If you always lose a game, then it can't be the game's fault, can it? Yet, blaming the situation is easier and many do so, including me.
People in general like to be lazy, to not think much. Thinking little is fine as long as it doesn't damage your life. However, being too lazy makes it impossible to tell the difference. 
One has to be lazy to not rush into every little thing. Yet, one must also be persistent enough in following his ideals and being open to things that bring him closer. Many gifts are taken as threats at first, because everything new or incomprehensible is a threat according to our limbic brains.

Be calm. Assess the situation. You'll find many new paths that you didn't even dare think existed.