The open prison of Solitude

I frequently mention that I don't like people.
There is no deep grudge against humanity or any such, but there are still reasons.

When I was little I used to be more open, but all I got in return was deceit and pain.
It's just that by now I've learned to not trust people.
For this I didn't really get along with most people.
I liked to stay away from others, as some of them harmed me on every opportunity.
Back then I didn't have the ability to see people's thoughts or otherwise know what to expect of them. All this came later.
I never socialized much with anyone who was older than me and not yet an adult.
It was mostly the adults that I did get along with, as I wasn't really worth abusing for them. They were mature enough to not gain any pleasure from making me suffer.
Due to all this, I mostly made friends with people far older than me. I never truly learned to treat people as equals, as my friends were not.
Due to my separation I was forced to figure out how to succeed on my own.
Due to socializing with people much wiser I learned to grasp concepts that I could never have mastered yet.
As time went on, I didn't get more sociable. Quite the opposite.
Since I didn't socialize with people, then I didn't develop the skills to do so either. What had been a choice soon turned into a way of life. Few understood me, I understood few.
Due to my solitude, I was forced to work out my problems myself. Due to not socializing with people of my age I lost the ability to do so. Due to not being able to socialize, I was in solitude.
The cycle kept going on and on.
I hardened and grew. Over time my choices showed results. I lost the ability to naturally understand people. Yet, I gained the ability to think freely.
It's a wonder how much people truly let themselves depend on others, if given the choice.
I had no such choice.

I no longer hope to be understood. I've come too far for this.
Neither do I expect to get along with people of my age. When the time comes, they will find a way to work with me. Until then, let them be free from the doubts and perils that my life has thrown at me.
My life has not been easy.
However, given the choice, I wouldn't do much differently.

I've for long not experienced what it means to be young. I'm old by heart.
Yet, I barely used up my childhood.

In some sense, I am still a child.

/"Such a lonely world shouldn't exist" - System of a down "Lonely world"

We're all retards... especially because we don't think so

We, humans as beasts, only live to die.
Never can we actually develop; our highest adaptation and versatility is at our lowest ages.
Ever noticed how fast little children learn languages? It's not even comparable to adults.
However, us, more degenerated people, have our own advantages. Else it would all be different.
What we have is survivability. It's always a messy business and thus, we have to give something up to have it. What do we give up? Versatility.
This is why old people and beasts can not learn things as well as they used to.

We live in a messy world and thus, we've found messy ways to sustain our existence.
For instance, reproduction.
It is so vastly expensive to renew, that it can be done one cell at a time in most cases. In the whole animal kingdom, everything depends on single cells, because the possibility of making mistakes with anything bigger is far too great.

Essence

This is the most unusual post that I've made, so bear or perish.

Spirit:
I’m a person with no past, as I can not remember it.
Yet, I know many things.
I know that people are not mainly good or evil. They are something between, as pure extremes are never sustainable.
I know that my mind is special. I can not remember anything, but yet I know, because I create worlds. My mind is only a simulator for things that I could see.
What do I see? I only see patterns. I see possibilities. I see realities, but not any specific one.
I know that Time is only a dimension, just like height,width and length. It does not make sense to classify it as anything else, even though we are flying through it.
I don’t have a past, because no one does.

Mind:
In my life I have seen many systems. I know a lot of things about the world and even more about what I don’t know.
I am a god in itself, yet, there are forces greater than me.
Being a god does not mean being unbound. Quite the opposite, as a person without bounds is unmeasurable and thus, irrelevant to our world.
I am constantly striving for the better, despite all forces that tr to put me down.
I live my life knowing, that I am not unbound. Yet, I live.
I am not crippled by knowing, that I am not the best and most powerful. No one is the strongest.

Soul:
I’m a person of darkness, yet, I bring light.
The world is only as limited as you make it to be. It is your own.

This test was brought to you by Xonok. Yes, I wrote it all by myself.

Coming back

 I feel my inner world coming back. Slowly, but surely I'm reviving from my unnoticed drone-hood.
Of the years that I've been reading people only the last few years I've actually worked on developing this skill. Up until this point it was purely natural talent and/or random tries.
Now I'm turning more and more cold and analytical. I purposefully try to reverse-engineer the minds of the people around me.

/One doesn't have to be unemphatic to be cold. Sometimes being cold can be good - Xonok @ here

Happy?

For my whole life I have been fairly static. I've never went with any trends. Never listened to advice before it's too late. Never followed orders.
This has made me into a very different person.
I don't really feel the need to go to any concerts, because I just don't go past a certain point. I never really turn into a "fan".
This kind of lifestyle has made me lonely. I don't really understand people as much as I would like to believe I do. Yes, I read people. But I don't know how to use it to simply socialize.
I must always have a goal or purpose. 
For those reasons I am unable to work very well as a drone. I am harder to motivate with cookie-cutter ways. I am harder to manipulate than the masses.
I could perhaps fit for a leader. But what kind? I simply do not know.

After all this the main thing what's left to ask is: "Do I feel happy?"
The answer is "No. I do not."
However, I am happier than I would be if I tried to be like the others.

Here are 2 songs that somewhat describe how I feel. 

/The limits on our lives are placed by ourselves

Stumbling in darkness... as I always have

I stumble in darkness, yet seeing it all.

Sometimes I forget who I am and who I want to be. Sometimes the void fills me through lots of seemingly meaningful activities.
Yet, I must not forget, that I have a purpose.
This blog is a benchmark. It shows whether I am moving in the right direction.

To victory! To confidence!!!!!111oneone

In life a person has to keep pushing forward. It's so easy to stop, but if one stops, then one doesn't start moving again. Life does not favor being static, or at least not as a living organism.
This is basically what I have been doing, in my own quirky way nonetheless.

In short:
Game development(and I mean lots of it)
Confidence from the former
Work(the real kind)

Also, for whatever reason I seem to have turned a bit smarter. I wait 5-10 minutes for people to figure out what they want and then just read out the list(which I made before) and they got nothing more to ask.