Fighting the anxiety, fighting the pain. I've started to feel that if I let them overcome me, I may as well be dead. It is a strange kind of unlife that I occasionally submit to; not quite thinking, not quite dead.
Yet I have also found strength in myself. Sometimes it takes a deep glimpse into the darkness to truly reject it. Being miserable is not necessary for being a good person and thus, I have lost one of the greatest hurdles to making myself happy. Perhaps my job will someday be making someone happy by being happy. It certainly feels better to think about than letting them down by being far too weak to reach the heights I've helped them reach.
Consider this a new beginning, if you may. The pain has served its purpose. It's now time for other feelings to take its place and move us onward.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Nescience and Repression
There is no such thing as direction, for those things are better left undefined. The moment something becomes absolute is the moment it dies.
I have for far too long used raw intelligence to grasp the essence of ideas. It works, but eventually by now I have reached the point where I have lost the sense of direction that I used to have, meaning that the generalizations do not lead me to actual information. In the end, no matter how good I am at making connections, I still need to base my thoughts on actual information and through a combination of generalizations and laziness I have denied myself a lot of information.
In the end it's all the same - This lack of motivation is crippling. I could, should and wish to be so much more, but at the end of the day I feel insufficient. In the end I reach my limits and, being the kind of person that I am, I see them way too clearly. The absolutes are daunting. It's comforting to be blind, but it's not the way of the mage. It's not my way, for my oaths do not allow this kind of laziness.
So what should I do? What is there to be done when a person has lost connection with the things and people he loves? Once again I have to admit nescience, despite this being my own life I'm talking about. Once again, I care more about others than myself and feel empty when it's not enough. Once again I promise myself happiness through others.
I am very well aware of my deception, but provedly unable to resist it.
As wise people have said, we focus too much on love and too little on loving.
I have for far too long used raw intelligence to grasp the essence of ideas. It works, but eventually by now I have reached the point where I have lost the sense of direction that I used to have, meaning that the generalizations do not lead me to actual information. In the end, no matter how good I am at making connections, I still need to base my thoughts on actual information and through a combination of generalizations and laziness I have denied myself a lot of information.
In the end it's all the same - This lack of motivation is crippling. I could, should and wish to be so much more, but at the end of the day I feel insufficient. In the end I reach my limits and, being the kind of person that I am, I see them way too clearly. The absolutes are daunting. It's comforting to be blind, but it's not the way of the mage. It's not my way, for my oaths do not allow this kind of laziness.
So what should I do? What is there to be done when a person has lost connection with the things and people he loves? Once again I have to admit nescience, despite this being my own life I'm talking about. Once again, I care more about others than myself and feel empty when it's not enough. Once again I promise myself happiness through others.
I am very well aware of my deception, but provedly unable to resist it.
As wise people have said, we focus too much on love and too little on loving.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Anxiety
It indeed appears that my greatest problem is anxiety. When I'm anxious I do stupid things and often fail to uphold promises. I become overtaken by the feeling of powerlessness, because there doesn't appear to be noticeable progress. Perhaps it's best for me to be dull and simply not care about success. I tend to be more successful in general when I'm in a bad mood, because then I focus on the facts and don't really care as much about feelings - not even my own.
Why has it taken me so long to understand that my mage side can only come out when I'm feeling dull? I guess I just haven't thought about it, as there have been many problems to think about, many of them created by myself and especially by this anxiety.
Well, at least I am finally starting to calm down. This post and the previous prove it by the way how I wonder about those things without being controlled by emotions.
Why has it taken me so long to understand that my mage side can only come out when I'm feeling dull? I guess I just haven't thought about it, as there have been many problems to think about, many of them created by myself and especially by this anxiety.
Well, at least I am finally starting to calm down. This post and the previous prove it by the way how I wonder about those things without being controlled by emotions.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Self-analysis.
My self-analysis skills have improved considerably over the years. Yet, the more I see the less I like what I see. I don't like myself and as time goes on I'm starting to doubt if I ever did.
Perhaps it's just a part of becoming an adult. Maybe in truth everyone is afraid of themselves, given the chance. It's just that people are rarely pushed as far as to see this.
I'm never happy with what I am and this kind of anxiety has only grown stronger over the years. It may as well be my fuel for success someday, but it doesn't really feel so good. Like with many things, it can't be enjoyed if you have any connection with it. As a wise person once said: "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa
I do not know yet what the meaning of this post is, but I will once it's over. There's many things that I can't be sure about, but at least in most cases I know I will eventually know if it matters to me.
What I want often becomes reality. It's hard to tell whether it's a gift or curse. I'm not really a strong enough person to only want things that will bring people good. I wish I was. Sometimes I place myself ahead of others. Sometimes I simply don't care.
Over time I have become less emotional by the looks of it, although deep inside I'm still the same. After years of pain it has eventually become noticeable to myself that I am damaged. I need to find relief and hope to do so by knowledge. Yet, it's bound to be a fool's errand, as knowledge is nothing more than a burden.
I'm not religious, but I still find wisdom in what many prophets said. It seems quite natural to assume that when someone talked to Jesus about becoming rich, then Jesus would not consider it good fortune. Rather, he'd ask "What will you do with it?".
Every good thing is a burden and every bad thing is a lesson. The balance is there and that's what's the most unnerving of it all - It's just not what we wish it was. Reality stares at me in the face and yet I don't dare to face it. Few ever do.
Perhaps it's just a part of becoming an adult. Maybe in truth everyone is afraid of themselves, given the chance. It's just that people are rarely pushed as far as to see this.
I'm never happy with what I am and this kind of anxiety has only grown stronger over the years. It may as well be my fuel for success someday, but it doesn't really feel so good. Like with many things, it can't be enjoyed if you have any connection with it. As a wise person once said: "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa
I do not know yet what the meaning of this post is, but I will once it's over. There's many things that I can't be sure about, but at least in most cases I know I will eventually know if it matters to me.
What I want often becomes reality. It's hard to tell whether it's a gift or curse. I'm not really a strong enough person to only want things that will bring people good. I wish I was. Sometimes I place myself ahead of others. Sometimes I simply don't care.
Over time I have become less emotional by the looks of it, although deep inside I'm still the same. After years of pain it has eventually become noticeable to myself that I am damaged. I need to find relief and hope to do so by knowledge. Yet, it's bound to be a fool's errand, as knowledge is nothing more than a burden.
I'm not religious, but I still find wisdom in what many prophets said. It seems quite natural to assume that when someone talked to Jesus about becoming rich, then Jesus would not consider it good fortune. Rather, he'd ask "What will you do with it?".
Every good thing is a burden and every bad thing is a lesson. The balance is there and that's what's the most unnerving of it all - It's just not what we wish it was. Reality stares at me in the face and yet I don't dare to face it. Few ever do.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Resolve
Being competitive is a constant struggle, but that's exactly what makes it exciting. If you're participating, that is. Those who never try will always stay miserable and potentially meaningless.
I've found that competitiveness is more about attitude than actual skills. Sure, you need some kind of intelligence to be competitive, but that is only a minor part of it all. How many geniuses are drinking away their lives? - Too many.
Yet, the stupid rule. Why is that so? Does a person have to be stupid to have a chance? - No, not necessarily. Those that rule are not the ignorant ones, however stupid they may be. It could be said that by not accepting reality you challenge it. Great changes are almost always started by people who haven't liked the current reality for a while anyway. People who have their own realities that they consider better. The defining trait is stubbornness. One has to be stubborn at least somewhat to survive the constant barrage of conflicting ideas. There are always people who can persuade us to give up our ideals. We shall not.
Any kind of mastery requires being open to options. If you always lose a game, then it can't be the game's fault, can it? Yet, blaming the situation is easier and many do so, including me.
People in general like to be lazy, to not think much. Thinking little is fine as long as it doesn't damage your life. However, being too lazy makes it impossible to tell the difference.
One has to be lazy to not rush into every little thing. Yet, one must also be persistent enough in following his ideals and being open to things that bring him closer. Many gifts are taken as threats at first, because everything new or incomprehensible is a threat according to our limbic brains.
Be calm. Assess the situation. You'll find many new paths that you didn't even dare think existed.
I've found that competitiveness is more about attitude than actual skills. Sure, you need some kind of intelligence to be competitive, but that is only a minor part of it all. How many geniuses are drinking away their lives? - Too many.
Yet, the stupid rule. Why is that so? Does a person have to be stupid to have a chance? - No, not necessarily. Those that rule are not the ignorant ones, however stupid they may be. It could be said that by not accepting reality you challenge it. Great changes are almost always started by people who haven't liked the current reality for a while anyway. People who have their own realities that they consider better. The defining trait is stubbornness. One has to be stubborn at least somewhat to survive the constant barrage of conflicting ideas. There are always people who can persuade us to give up our ideals. We shall not.
Any kind of mastery requires being open to options. If you always lose a game, then it can't be the game's fault, can it? Yet, blaming the situation is easier and many do so, including me.
People in general like to be lazy, to not think much. Thinking little is fine as long as it doesn't damage your life. However, being too lazy makes it impossible to tell the difference.
One has to be lazy to not rush into every little thing. Yet, one must also be persistent enough in following his ideals and being open to things that bring him closer. Many gifts are taken as threats at first, because everything new or incomprehensible is a threat according to our limbic brains.
Be calm. Assess the situation. You'll find many new paths that you didn't even dare think existed.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Love of all
I'm writing this post, for I feel that I have something to say once again.
Over the past few months my posts have mostly been about mildly technical things (leadership), checklists (the previous post) and other easy-to-write things. I feel that I am making myself a disservice by resorting to simple things.
Thus, the topic of this post is Love.
For me, love is a complicated subject and can mean many things. As an example, there is a certain person I call Love. Yet, she has to wait for her place in this blog, whenever that is.
One of my greatest dreams in life is to find someone who I feel truly close with in a way that doesn't force either of us to sacrifice ourselves just to be together. I guess this is a kind of love in the classical sense. So far, I have only felt this feeling for short periods of time and always deceitfully. Yet, I feel like it is possible to find True Love(TM).
There can also be other kinds of love. For instance, some people love makeup or manicure. I specifically don't, but in some sense do.
I also love some people. I wish them only good and sometimes at my own expense. Yet, it is a tough thing to live with, as I have hurt many and more have hurt me.
I feel that I am only my true self if I meditate often enough - Something that I have not done much recently. However, I already am doing this at the moment and this is what allows me to pour love into this post.
This post stayed in my drafts for over a week(started writing 9 days ago), so I just decided to publish it without anything extra.
Over the past few months my posts have mostly been about mildly technical things (leadership), checklists (the previous post) and other easy-to-write things. I feel that I am making myself a disservice by resorting to simple things.
Thus, the topic of this post is Love.
For me, love is a complicated subject and can mean many things. As an example, there is a certain person I call Love. Yet, she has to wait for her place in this blog, whenever that is.
One of my greatest dreams in life is to find someone who I feel truly close with in a way that doesn't force either of us to sacrifice ourselves just to be together. I guess this is a kind of love in the classical sense. So far, I have only felt this feeling for short periods of time and always deceitfully. Yet, I feel like it is possible to find True Love(TM).
There can also be other kinds of love. For instance, some people love makeup or manicure. I specifically don't, but in some sense do.
I also love some people. I wish them only good and sometimes at my own expense. Yet, it is a tough thing to live with, as I have hurt many and more have hurt me.
I feel that I am only my true self if I meditate often enough - Something that I have not done much recently. However, I already am doing this at the moment and this is what allows me to pour love into this post.
This post stayed in my drafts for over a week(started writing 9 days ago), so I just decided to publish it without anything extra.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
My current hobbies
I've recently realized that even I don't appear to know what my hobbies are most of the time. Thus, neither would most other people.
As of currently they are:
Psychology - Mostly the practical kind, as I only recently started to read books. I have learned the most by interacting with actual people (wow). I consider myself a highly altruistic person, so just ask if you need help.
Game design - I like to build worlds and games offer some of the best ways to do so.
Drawing - Once again about building worlds. Usually my drawings have a lot of lore that only I know. The realism is lacking though, as it has little importance.
Harsh vocals - Also known as "screamo". I can use a few techniques, so I'm not a complete amateur, but please offer me to join a band! That would help a lot.
Refinement - It can pretty much be read as "doing things well". I like good clothes, although I'm not obsessed about them. I also try to make sure I know a lot about useful or otherwise interesting things.
Music - I collect a lot of it and have expanded my taste a lot over time. Currently I have about 10 000 tracks of music (mediamonkey says 12 000, but I have duplicates). I'm not really as much into it as I used to be anymore, so I'm no longer in touch with every track that I have. I used to be though.
As of currently they are:
Psychology - Mostly the practical kind, as I only recently started to read books. I have learned the most by interacting with actual people (wow). I consider myself a highly altruistic person, so just ask if you need help.
Game design - I like to build worlds and games offer some of the best ways to do so.
Drawing - Once again about building worlds. Usually my drawings have a lot of lore that only I know. The realism is lacking though, as it has little importance.
Harsh vocals - Also known as "screamo". I can use a few techniques, so I'm not a complete amateur, but please offer me to join a band! That would help a lot.
Refinement - It can pretty much be read as "doing things well". I like good clothes, although I'm not obsessed about them. I also try to make sure I know a lot about useful or otherwise interesting things.
Music - I collect a lot of it and have expanded my taste a lot over time. Currently I have about 10 000 tracks of music (mediamonkey says 12 000, but I have duplicates). I'm not really as much into it as I used to be anymore, so I'm no longer in touch with every track that I have. I used to be though.
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