How can you reach a moving goalpost? Yell at it in confusion and cry if it doesn't stop.

I think I have figured out why I feel that nothing matter - it's because nothing does, in fact, matter. If you don't enjoy it, that is.
My typical cycle goes like this pull yourself together -> do hard work -> lose interest -> pull yourself together...
What I didn't really understand before is why I fall apart after work. Why do I suddenly lose interest in everything when in fact I should feel successful.
Well, now I understand that it's because there is no reward to it. All that my emotional side sees is do work->feel bad(tired)=> Don't do stuff that makes you feel bad. It doesn't sense any achievement in it and rightly so. Because usually the things I work for do not reach their conclusions. I value projects by what they result in in the end. By them adhering to the vision, which by the way changes by the minute. It's impossible to fulfill that vision, so of course my emotional side feels that it's useless. As long as the process itself doesn't become enjoyable, I am a slave to the previously described cycle, because nature has its methods of stopping us from doing useless things. Boredom is one of them.

Just so I would really understand the point - YOU CAN'T REACH A GOAL IF YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR MIND ABOUT WHAT IT IS.
I wonder if knowing this will eventually give me some direction. If I'll be able to figure out how to solve the problem or just stash this information away as a tip to give to others. Either way, I have won by thinking of this.

A path to oblivion? To light? To something.

I don't show my pain, because I'm afraid of the toll it would put on others. It's still there.
One of the things I fear the most is being a burden. I don't want expressing my pain to be a plead for attention, like it is for so many. I still want attention. I'm trying to not be selfish, but it doesn't change that I still need something for myself too. Something that I'm not sure if anyone can provide. Even if there are people capable of helping me, am I worth the help to them? Am I someone that can be pulled up from this hole or will I just pull the other person down to my level? I don't want to pull them down. It's bad enough to pity oneself, it would be even worse if the weight on my conscience were heavier.
It's disgusting how I look at new love as a chance. As if it could fill the emptiness in me. Sure, I could blame many, but I still mostly blame myself. I am not powerful enough to change the world, so I can't blame it either. Blame is useless in things that you can't change. If you're not going to help, then why make the burden worse for others by whining? Hence why I don't show this blog to anyone except those I feel I really trust. Those that hopefully won't use my thoughts against me and break me down.

Well, writing things out like this is helpful. It does make things easier to understand, because when we write, we structure our thoughts. Perhaps that's my path? Perhaps I should give form to what I and others care so deeply about, but fail to express?

In any case, I have several paths that I've considered, but failed to truly decide on:
1. Programming.
2. Helping people(somehow?)
3. Something with languages, like a translator, interpreter or linguist.
4. Business.
5. Creating worlds(somewhat pairs with programming, but can also be through writing).
y. Others

Whatever it is I eventually do, it must be something that fulfills me.

Return to Sadness

It sure has been a while since I was last here.
There are so many things I don't understand. The more I know, the more I feel insufficient. Was all that potential given to me as an ironic joke? Surely there must be some point to it.
With great potential comes great responsibility to use it, but I don't feel like I've been doing nearly well enough. Sure, I have done a lot, but the mood swings and lack of persistence are always taking a toll. Why am I still not able to do any real programming? What happened with my interest in psychology and helping people? It's there, but I don't feel like I'm really doing enough... people bore and disappoint me more than ever too. But then again what I do isn't all that interesting either.
I wield great force and ability in things that don't matter much in the bigger scheme of things. Or if  they do, then in what way? I have no idea. I can't really cry either, I've mostly lost that ability again.
If I could cry it would be a sign that my sadness is at least sincere, but I can't. It feels like both my happiness and sadness are halfway. There's so much mediocrity that I can't bear and most of it is me. What's with my motivation?

Yet at other times I am perfectly fine. I do fine for a while and  then I just break down. Are my wounds that deep? When did I really get those wounds? Looking back at notes from 4 years ago I can see that I was sad even then. I was at times happy, at times sad, but overall it was already apparent that I have a lot of negativity in me. Well, now that I look at those times I can at least see this, back then I didn't.

Any pattern that repeats too much is painful for me. Always has been. Well, this time the pattern is my own mind, my own emotions. I wish to break the cycle, but I just don't know how.

What is it that I even want anymore? Am I still depressed or is this just a temporary phase? I'm doing fine objectively, but whenever I am away from people for too long I realize just how broken I am. Yet, I can't be with people the way I used to be either. It's driving me insane how I am now unable to trust, unwilling to make myself vulnerable, unwilling to accept pain so much that the fear itself is painful.
I don't trust myself around people that I love. The times I've abused power and brought people down to my own level of pain have made me cautious. I don't want to hurt them, but how can I approach them then? How can I take care of my own needs without taking something important away from someone else? At times it's crippling me to understand just how much I'd be able to do to a person. It's such a strong negative emotion that I have stopped talking at all to some people simply out of fear of hurting them. They didn't ever understand this, since I rarely talk about it.

In the past I was much more aggressive socially. I got myself a couple girlfriends over the years(usually not at the same time) and lost them painfully some time later. I have now understood that the only reason I got so many chances to approach people is because I instinctively seduced them. It's considered perfectly normal for most people, actually. Yet, they don't even understand. It's not possible to talk with the vast majority of people about what it is that makes them tick. About what really works on them. Because they don't know and/or are afraid of admitting it. It makes me sad.
I hurt a few such people mostly because I was too insecure about myself. I hadn't really learned nearly enough to avoid some mistakes. To anyone else many of those mistakes would have been obvious, but not to me who had had very little social interaction.

I think of the one that I've become and I'm not happy. I'm not fine with losing so much for so weak reasons. How am I supposed to pretend it? How am I supposed to put up with a pressure that I don't even understand fully? It's hard to say whether it's the perfection or lack of it that's killing me.
Even as I pour my heart out here I still remain calm. I'm not doing this very emotionally by my own standards, because if I allowed myself to feel more, I'd be utterly unable to put up with the pain. I'd cry endlessly until I could cry no more. But maybe that's what I really should do?

Writing my worries out like this has always been helpful. My first short stories were actually written in times of great despair. There was always something heavy on me that I needed to get off of my shoulders and that made me create. Now I don't have any immediate concerns like this anymore, so I am having trouble writing almost anything. But I am slowly coming back to the me that I used to be. Well, partially...

I've seen things repeat so much, but it's all worthless. The only thing that really mattered to me in the past few years was my loved ones being happy. Especially this one Lov.
When I failed her I was more broken than I had been in my life. Nothing had been able to mess me up so bad. And yet that was only one of the 2 things that blew me down. I had been falling for a while, but only then did I realize just how broken I am. It disgusted me, it made me cry,  it made me lament my stupidity, it made me laugh over how weak I have been. Only once was I able to laugh off my weakness and even that was when the damage had already been done to me and others. I had already taken the greatest 2 hits of my life when I found just how hilariously stupid my situation is. Well, whether it's a joke or not, it's still here. I'm not so obsessively broken as I was in those weeks of deep depression, but I am still not fine either. What do I have to do to lift this curse? What is it that I even want? Everything seems so pointless when I'm down.

If  a person doesn't want anything, nothing can be done to make them happy. As I poetically bleed ink, I'm still worthless. More worthless than I have ever been, as if that was possible. As if there were multiple degrees of worthlessness. Well, before this I had more hope. I had a vague knowledge of better things to come. Come they did, but so did things that hurt me, most of it my own stupidity - that same stupidity which helped me remain standing in this storm of negativity.
What can I do that would make me worthwhile again? Is there a heaven for one such as me? I'm not religious, but I still hope for some kind of salvation. Some kind of fulfillment of purpose.
I know it's only me that can truly change my life, but I still don't know how. If someone can lift me up... please...

A rant on stuff

"You scare the shit out of me."

Why?

How?

"Just the way you are."

Well, thank you.
I don't like this kind of flattery though. I don't like being told that I have power if it's not the kind of power that can do good.

Because it reminds me how horrible it is to be like me.

No fucking autopilot whatsoever. I can do whatever the fuck I want, but it's worse than just not having to think.

It makes things too extreme.

Just please, don't keep saying that I can't do anything.

The worst thing about this all is understanding when I have some kind of connection with a person and then seeing it disappear. It makes me feel helpless over my own life, because whatever I do, it's all wrong for someone.

Whatever I do, it's never fucking enough.

Not for you, not for anyone.

This is what has fucked me up.

And it began with name-censored-here.

But that's how it tends to be.

My feelings don't matter. The only thing that matters is whether I am like people imagine me.

Which I'm not.

So they delude themselves into thinking they know me.

Make promises to themselves in my name.

And get hurt when it turns out they misunderstood.

"Then maybe you are not clear enough."

I can't read people's minds.

Not like that at least.

It takes some faith from both sides.

I have faith, but it's not enough when I'm the only one that has any.

And it takes something to understand that people are not how we wish them to be and never will be, but that they are willing to change, if you change with them.

That's a part of what love is.

Putting other people on the same level as yourself.

But no, being judgemental is so much more comfortable.

And that's why people are not happy. They expect the sky to rain pink unicorns and get butthurt when it doesn't happen.

Instead of just working to make themselves better and to make things work.

Maybe that's me being a man.

Maybe it's just people, including me, being idiots.

Letting go of the pain, perhaps

Fighting the anxiety, fighting the pain. I've started to feel that if I let them overcome me, I may as well be dead. It is a strange kind of unlife that I occasionally submit to; not quite thinking, not quite dead.
Yet I have also found strength in myself. Sometimes it takes a deep glimpse into the darkness to truly reject it. Being miserable is not necessary for being a good person and thus, I have lost one of the greatest hurdles to making myself happy. Perhaps my job will someday be making someone happy by being happy. It certainly feels better to think about than letting them down by being far too weak to reach the heights I've helped them reach.

Consider this a new beginning, if you may. The pain has served its purpose. It's now time for other feelings to take its place and move us onward.

Nescience and Repression

There is no such thing as direction, for those things are better left undefined. The moment something becomes absolute is the moment it dies.
I have for far too long used raw intelligence to grasp the essence of ideas. It works, but eventually by now I have reached the point where I have lost the sense of direction that I used to have, meaning that the generalizations do not lead me to actual information. In the end, no matter how good I am at making connections, I still need to base my thoughts on actual information and through a combination of generalizations and laziness I have denied myself a lot of information.

In the end it's all the same - This lack of motivation is crippling. I could, should and wish to be so much more, but at the end of the day I feel insufficient. In the end I reach my limits and, being the kind of person that I am, I see them way too clearly. The absolutes are daunting. It's comforting to be blind, but it's not the way of the mage. It's not my way, for my oaths do not allow this kind of laziness.

So what should I do? What is there to be done when a person has lost connection with the things and people he loves? Once again I have to admit nescience, despite this being my own life I'm talking about. Once again, I care more about others than myself and feel empty when it's not enough. Once again I promise myself happiness through others.
I am very well aware of my deception, but provedly unable to resist it.

As wise people have said, we focus too much on love and too little on loving. 

Anxiety

It indeed appears that my greatest problem is anxiety. When I'm anxious I do stupid things and often fail to uphold promises. I become overtaken by the feeling of powerlessness, because there doesn't appear to be noticeable progress. Perhaps it's best for me to be dull and simply not care about success. I tend to be more successful in general when I'm in a bad mood, because then I focus on the facts and don't really care as much about feelings - not even my own.

Why has it taken me so long to understand that my mage side can only come out when I'm feeling dull? I guess I just haven't thought about it, as there have been many problems to think about, many of them created by myself and especially by this anxiety.

Well, at least I am finally starting to calm down. This post and the previous prove it by the way how I wonder about those things without being controlled by emotions.