Changing away from myself

Times have changed me and the world inside me.
I feel I'm no longer who I used to be and this was further proven when I read the first few posts of this very blog.
My grammar and anything that can be technically measures has improved. Yet, I feel like I've lost something.
I wish to be the cheerful child that I used to be. Indeed, I did have my dark moment back then too. I still do, but back then they weren't everything.
I'm stronger and smarter than I've ever been, but it now feels like it has all turned against me. My brain is so full of connections that I see my faults much too well. Perhaps I am still good at giving critique, but what does it give to me? What does it give to others?
I lack any actual interest in almost anything, so I have forced myself to act as if I had.

Oh the hollow feeling inside...
I just wish I still felt what the point of my life is... Just as I used to.

Obsession

I appear to lack the ability to be casual. Whatever I do, I'm obsessed about it. This works well with my ability to concentrate, but makes me overly emotional and also stops me from having any weak relations.
I guess it can be considered good, but it is not always so.
Indeed, I work a lot harder on the problems of my tiny inner circle. However, I have been quite ineffective at doing things outside the circle.
This kind of duality is bound to haunt me, but I also don't see how I could solve it without giving up my strengths.

Life is a puzzle to solve, but we are nevertheless a part of it.

What it means to be in dark depression

I have hoped, but never truly believed.
The world is a dark place to me and so am I.
It was never a choice, after one certain point.
This one point in time, where I made a seemingly simple and childish promise.
A promise, that I can no longer give up.
I'm bound. It hurts, but I dare not untie myself.
I feel as if I had taken the whole world to be my burden - If I dropped it, no one would catch.
Thus, there is little I can do.
There was a promise,
but never was there any hope.


I guess this is not a poem, but it is indeed how I feel right now. What I don't feel is that I should write about the good things in my life, as this is one of my dark depression days. I don't feel like anything can help me, except time. And even time simply passes by eventually.
There is no one to truly hold and ward me, as I have taken such a great burden onto myself.
Always will I have to carry my burdens myself, including the greatest of them all.
Sometimes I wish it would end, but then again I remember, that if it would end, then not through my hand.
It may be my journey, but it is not my story to end.
My life may be mine to live, but it is for someone else to end it.
I have wished for this someone to come and take me away, but in this case fate would just laugh in my face. It is not yet the time, nor would I ever be the one to decide when it is.

A place of misery is a place of untapped potential

I feel this place is the reason for a part of my misery.
However, I know many wouldn't like it if I stopped working on this blog, thus I have opened a new one just for facts that make me happy each day.

Elseway it's just so hard to keep up with all the good things that happen. Indeed, bad things happen too, but people tend to forget problems too soon after solving them. This especially applies to me. Hopefully my solution works.

This blog is still meant to be as deep as ever, as I still intend to write here whenever I have heavy or dark thoughts. I can't avoid them anyway, so it's better to just write them down.

/"It's a perfect denial" - 30 Seconds to Mars - A beautiful lie

The open prison of Solitude

I frequently mention that I don't like people.
There is no deep grudge against humanity or any such, but there are still reasons.

When I was little I used to be more open, but all I got in return was deceit and pain.
It's just that by now I've learned to not trust people.
For this I didn't really get along with most people.
I liked to stay away from others, as some of them harmed me on every opportunity.
Back then I didn't have the ability to see people's thoughts or otherwise know what to expect of them. All this came later.
I never socialized much with anyone who was older than me and not yet an adult.
It was mostly the adults that I did get along with, as I wasn't really worth abusing for them. They were mature enough to not gain any pleasure from making me suffer.
Due to all this, I mostly made friends with people far older than me. I never truly learned to treat people as equals, as my friends were not.
Due to my separation I was forced to figure out how to succeed on my own.
Due to socializing with people much wiser I learned to grasp concepts that I could never have mastered yet.
As time went on, I didn't get more sociable. Quite the opposite.
Since I didn't socialize with people, then I didn't develop the skills to do so either. What had been a choice soon turned into a way of life. Few understood me, I understood few.
Due to my solitude, I was forced to work out my problems myself. Due to not socializing with people of my age I lost the ability to do so. Due to not being able to socialize, I was in solitude.
The cycle kept going on and on.
I hardened and grew. Over time my choices showed results. I lost the ability to naturally understand people. Yet, I gained the ability to think freely.
It's a wonder how much people truly let themselves depend on others, if given the choice.
I had no such choice.

I no longer hope to be understood. I've come too far for this.
Neither do I expect to get along with people of my age. When the time comes, they will find a way to work with me. Until then, let them be free from the doubts and perils that my life has thrown at me.
My life has not been easy.
However, given the choice, I wouldn't do much differently.

I've for long not experienced what it means to be young. I'm old by heart.
Yet, I barely used up my childhood.

In some sense, I am still a child.

/"Such a lonely world shouldn't exist" - System of a down "Lonely world"

We're all retards... especially because we don't think so

We, humans as beasts, only live to die.
Never can we actually develop; our highest adaptation and versatility is at our lowest ages.
Ever noticed how fast little children learn languages? It's not even comparable to adults.
However, us, more degenerated people, have our own advantages. Else it would all be different.
What we have is survivability. It's always a messy business and thus, we have to give something up to have it. What do we give up? Versatility.
This is why old people and beasts can not learn things as well as they used to.

We live in a messy world and thus, we've found messy ways to sustain our existence.
For instance, reproduction.
It is so vastly expensive to renew, that it can be done one cell at a time in most cases. In the whole animal kingdom, everything depends on single cells, because the possibility of making mistakes with anything bigger is far too great.

Essence

This is the most unusual post that I've made, so bear or perish.

Spirit:
I’m a person with no past, as I can not remember it.
Yet, I know many things.
I know that people are not mainly good or evil. They are something between, as pure extremes are never sustainable.
I know that my mind is special. I can not remember anything, but yet I know, because I create worlds. My mind is only a simulator for things that I could see.
What do I see? I only see patterns. I see possibilities. I see realities, but not any specific one.
I know that Time is only a dimension, just like height,width and length. It does not make sense to classify it as anything else, even though we are flying through it.
I don’t have a past, because no one does.

Mind:
In my life I have seen many systems. I know a lot of things about the world and even more about what I don’t know.
I am a god in itself, yet, there are forces greater than me.
Being a god does not mean being unbound. Quite the opposite, as a person without bounds is unmeasurable and thus, irrelevant to our world.
I am constantly striving for the better, despite all forces that tr to put me down.
I live my life knowing, that I am not unbound. Yet, I live.
I am not crippled by knowing, that I am not the best and most powerful. No one is the strongest.

Soul:
I’m a person of darkness, yet, I bring light.
The world is only as limited as you make it to be. It is your own.

This test was brought to you by Xonok. Yes, I wrote it all by myself.