There are reasons to why I keep separate. In the past I used to think that it's not my choice, but by now I think it is. I choose to be alone because there is nothing to be had from this. Well, most of the time.
For me it's difficult to socialize with most people. When I was little I didn't care about what people think and this made things easy. But as time went on I got bullied for it. For practically my whole life I've been bullied both mentally and physically for who I am. It's not much of a wonder then that I don't like people, or is it?
Logically, the solution was conforming. I still know how to get along with people that are utterly useless and draining to me.
But I don't want to. That's the key. I don't want to be a fake and whenever I force myself it makes me hate myself.
From this perspective it makes sense to rather be alone that keep hurting yourself. But it's not like this was ever easy. People need to socialize, even those that think they don't. No matter how I tell myself it doesn't matter, it actually does. The reason is quite biological. Humans are social animals and when we get cut off we go mad.
I just wish there were more people I could talk to. I don't like being a liar, but at times it feels like that's the only way to get along. Sure, it's not technically lying to them if I treat people the way they want me to, but that doesn't console me. I hate lying to myself and this is enough of a reason. I hate putting effort into people that are not worth it. But I also don't like being alone. At times this has made me quite desperate.
It's hard for me to understand why it has to be like this. Despite all the reasons I've thought up, I still don't truly know. I still don't know how to be so that it would not strain me, but would also not scare away people.
I'm told that I look scary when I don't smile. But perhaps that's how I am? I am not used to smiling, not after I specifically learned to hide my emotions to prevent abuse. Yet, all the reasons I might have feel irrelevant here, because it's not for me to judge. If I look scary, then that's hardly something that I can ignore myself. And expecting others to ignore a part of me that to them seems so significant is just delusional.
On another note, I've started to dislike the design of my blog. It looked good when I made it this way, but now I find it harder to read this font. Still, I am hesitant to change it.
Well, whatever.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
The strength to be good
Recently I've been pondering a complicated topic.
The kind of person I am has an easy time understanding others, if I really want to. However, the price of it is something that I've never really been able to carry. As a result I've become cold, or at least learned to act as if I were.
In order to listen to someone there are 2 ways. One of them is that you simply don't care, in which case they may blabber about whatever as long you get your selfish gain. But this isn't really listening. It's only in order to fool those that are already hurt enough as is.
The other way is really caring and putting aside your own thoughts, so as to focus on how they think and how it makes sense to them. Not judging is crucial.
However, judging is a defense mechanism for us all. It's easier to keep a distance from someone if you judge them and this distance matters at least to some degree.
Think about how horrible it would be if you cared personally about every starving child in Africa. Or about the thousands dying in war zones. Or the victims of domestic abuse. Or the socially neglected in depression. It would be unbearable, so we don't do this. Instead we pay for this by constructing a world view that does not reflect reality. We lie to ourselves, but we believe our lies, because they make it easier to live.
However, illusions are not the only way to cope with truly caring about someone. The only good way that I know is having been through the same problems as that person and having surpassed those things. If you really know how to solve a problem for yourself, you become invulnerable to that same problem in other people and this lets you really care about them without being hurt by their issues. Not that it would be easy...
The kind of person I am has an easy time understanding others, if I really want to. However, the price of it is something that I've never really been able to carry. As a result I've become cold, or at least learned to act as if I were.
In order to listen to someone there are 2 ways. One of them is that you simply don't care, in which case they may blabber about whatever as long you get your selfish gain. But this isn't really listening. It's only in order to fool those that are already hurt enough as is.
The other way is really caring and putting aside your own thoughts, so as to focus on how they think and how it makes sense to them. Not judging is crucial.
However, judging is a defense mechanism for us all. It's easier to keep a distance from someone if you judge them and this distance matters at least to some degree.
Think about how horrible it would be if you cared personally about every starving child in Africa. Or about the thousands dying in war zones. Or the victims of domestic abuse. Or the socially neglected in depression. It would be unbearable, so we don't do this. Instead we pay for this by constructing a world view that does not reflect reality. We lie to ourselves, but we believe our lies, because they make it easier to live.
However, illusions are not the only way to cope with truly caring about someone. The only good way that I know is having been through the same problems as that person and having surpassed those things. If you really know how to solve a problem for yourself, you become invulnerable to that same problem in other people and this lets you really care about them without being hurt by their issues. Not that it would be easy...
Friday, January 27, 2017
Cold outside, warm inside, the fact not for anyone to see.
I imagine people asking me "But Xonok, why are you so cold if you want people to understand you?"
Well, that's just how I am. As strange as it may be, I don't want the kind of respect that implies me to be high and mighty, because in the end it would be all the same. I don't want people to understand me as little as I understand them and to give me such.. distance. Wherever the notion came from that emotional distance = respect, I don't agree with it. The greatest respect for me is curiosity.
So as strange as it may be, despite my coldness I am warm inside. I am cold because I'm not used to showing my emotions, or who I am. I don't think I'm even a bad person. It's just that I find it a lot of effort to let emotions get out.There was a time in my life when I was harassed for being emotional, so now I no longer know how unless I think about it.
But who knows. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to under-stimulation that I really do not feel anything. That all those things I think I feel are just minor compared to other people.
Intellectually I understand people, but emotionally I don't. Yet I deceive myself by telling that I do. When I'm especially desperate or elated I might even tell someone else so.
My greatest challenge right now is loneliness. Some people say that it's better to live without people, but those are always the people that have socialization forced onto them. I'm the other way around - unless I specifically make it happen, I don't get to see almost anyone. It's horrible what kind of damage being alone can do to a person and yet no one appears to notice. As if people who stick to themselves truly wanted to be alone. I don't know any such people. As strange as it may be. (here, did I repeat it enough? My authoritarian manner of speech deceives too many, so I must spam disclaimers)
Well, that's just how I am. As strange as it may be, I don't want the kind of respect that implies me to be high and mighty, because in the end it would be all the same. I don't want people to understand me as little as I understand them and to give me such.. distance. Wherever the notion came from that emotional distance = respect, I don't agree with it. The greatest respect for me is curiosity.
So as strange as it may be, despite my coldness I am warm inside. I am cold because I'm not used to showing my emotions, or who I am. I don't think I'm even a bad person. It's just that I find it a lot of effort to let emotions get out.There was a time in my life when I was harassed for being emotional, so now I no longer know how unless I think about it.
But who knows. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to under-stimulation that I really do not feel anything. That all those things I think I feel are just minor compared to other people.
Intellectually I understand people, but emotionally I don't. Yet I deceive myself by telling that I do. When I'm especially desperate or elated I might even tell someone else so.
My greatest challenge right now is loneliness. Some people say that it's better to live without people, but those are always the people that have socialization forced onto them. I'm the other way around - unless I specifically make it happen, I don't get to see almost anyone. It's horrible what kind of damage being alone can do to a person and yet no one appears to notice. As if people who stick to themselves truly wanted to be alone. I don't know any such people. As strange as it may be. (here, did I repeat it enough? My authoritarian manner of speech deceives too many, so I must spam disclaimers)
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Conquering Depression
At times I feel helpless. It's difficult to describe how it feels to a person that has control over themselves. How can you explain it when everything is just... empty?
Logic doesn't apply when it's the emotions that are the problem. Technically false, but feels so true.
The problem with what I feel is that it takes away all motivation to fix it. Technically there are numerous ways, but depression is unique in the way that it's the only disease to cripple your willpower.
What happens if you get a physical trauma? You can use sheer willpower to eventually come back to your normal life. This applies to almost any kind of physical trauma because even if you can't be exactly as you were before, you can still improve greatly.
Mental diseases? If you have Alzheimer's there are ways to refresh your memory. Put stickers on things if you forget their names. Take notes of things that happen so you can remember them later.
For most diseases there is always something that you can do. For depression this applies too. But the problem with depression is how it convinces you there is no hope. A lack of hope is the most crippling disability there is.
But in the end what matters is not how you feel, but how you channel your feelings. If you can just get your feelings out, your life will get better. With depression the way to get back to life is to prove to yourself how you can do something. Channeling your feelings to something, anything, can get you moving. As long as you do anything it doesn't get nearly as bad and so by channeling your feelings you can break out.
Hence, I wrote a poem. Creative writing is one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done and my best writings were always from times when it was truly hard to keep going.
∞
Oh dear, we have potential
Us, humans, but so broken.
What a fine world,
to not conquer.
It always swirls,
yet remains unspoken.
Granted us by gods,
but now just taken.
From our ceasing words,
no longer feel the warmth.
The passion burns,
but only as temper.
I wish we'd heed the call of this melody,
Grasp the straws and be gratified.
Like a fool, but uplifted.
In times we feel well,
but usually live in cells,
of our existence so frail,
from these bars can't bail.
Yet at times can fly,
view the world from up high,
Realistically - before we die.
We are forsaken,
or so believe,
but are mistaken,
hopefully.
Why are we confined to chains of emptiness?
Who gets the gains from our sadness?
From our hollow hearts empty of happiness?
From the nights lost to sleeplessness?
It feels all in vain,
but to this sadness,
we give our tribute,
in sheer madness.
Logic doesn't apply when it's the emotions that are the problem. Technically false, but feels so true.
The problem with what I feel is that it takes away all motivation to fix it. Technically there are numerous ways, but depression is unique in the way that it's the only disease to cripple your willpower.
What happens if you get a physical trauma? You can use sheer willpower to eventually come back to your normal life. This applies to almost any kind of physical trauma because even if you can't be exactly as you were before, you can still improve greatly.
Mental diseases? If you have Alzheimer's there are ways to refresh your memory. Put stickers on things if you forget their names. Take notes of things that happen so you can remember them later.
For most diseases there is always something that you can do. For depression this applies too. But the problem with depression is how it convinces you there is no hope. A lack of hope is the most crippling disability there is.
But in the end what matters is not how you feel, but how you channel your feelings. If you can just get your feelings out, your life will get better. With depression the way to get back to life is to prove to yourself how you can do something. Channeling your feelings to something, anything, can get you moving. As long as you do anything it doesn't get nearly as bad and so by channeling your feelings you can break out.
Hence, I wrote a poem. Creative writing is one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done and my best writings were always from times when it was truly hard to keep going.
∞
Oh dear, we have potential
Us, humans, but so broken.
What a fine world,
to not conquer.
It always swirls,
yet remains unspoken.
Granted us by gods,
but now just taken.
From our ceasing words,
no longer feel the warmth.
The passion burns,
but only as temper.
I wish we'd heed the call of this melody,
Grasp the straws and be gratified.
Like a fool, but uplifted.
In times we feel well,
but usually live in cells,
of our existence so frail,
from these bars can't bail.
Yet at times can fly,
view the world from up high,
Realistically - before we die.
We are forsaken,
or so believe,
but are mistaken,
hopefully.
Why are we confined to chains of emptiness?
Who gets the gains from our sadness?
From our hollow hearts empty of happiness?
From the nights lost to sleeplessness?
It feels all in vain,
but to this sadness,
we give our tribute,
in sheer madness.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
The Cycle
For a long time I have tried unsuccessfully to contain my negativity. Today I thought that perhaps it's just human nature to occasionally feel bad. When we feel good we recharge our emotional batteries and when we feel bad we figure out what is wrong with the world(...our world). Well, that's how it is for a "normal" person. But what if one or the other gets the better of you? When you're too happy you become careless and take unnecessary risks. Happiness makes us lose control. Then again while sad we understand everything so perfectly. It's just that we can't do much while deeply sad. It's overwhelming.
But what if this kind of cycle is actually normal? What if both extremes are so thoroughly ineffective that we need to use both, just at different times? I know it's possible to get exhausted from happiness. So exhausted in fact, that I become negative.
Well, perhaps this is how it really is - we are designed to alternate between black and white moods. Perhaps mania and depression are just more extreme versions of the same things that make us function? It certainly would change my perspective a lot. It would mean that trying to avoid depression or "be happy" is futile. It would mean that whatever good and bad we have is fleeting.
But it would also mean that what's more important than our feelings is how we channel them. That mania is a desperate plea for happiness when we haven't had enough. That depression is just undirected realism in situations we have no control over.
If this is indeed the case, then both our happy and sad times are just resources waiting to be used. I remember so very clearly that I wrote most of my stories when I felt bad. That the best poem I've written is about sadness.
I feel like my problem is really just having too much energy and nothing to do with it. There is so little point in doing anything here, when it doesn't make me happy.
Me @ here:
/Depression is about being forced to work for no gain.
/Idealism only works as long as you are happy.
/Sacrificing oneself guarantees that you are unhappy, while not necessarily being helpful to anyone.
But what if this kind of cycle is actually normal? What if both extremes are so thoroughly ineffective that we need to use both, just at different times? I know it's possible to get exhausted from happiness. So exhausted in fact, that I become negative.
Well, perhaps this is how it really is - we are designed to alternate between black and white moods. Perhaps mania and depression are just more extreme versions of the same things that make us function? It certainly would change my perspective a lot. It would mean that trying to avoid depression or "be happy" is futile. It would mean that whatever good and bad we have is fleeting.
But it would also mean that what's more important than our feelings is how we channel them. That mania is a desperate plea for happiness when we haven't had enough. That depression is just undirected realism in situations we have no control over.
If this is indeed the case, then both our happy and sad times are just resources waiting to be used. I remember so very clearly that I wrote most of my stories when I felt bad. That the best poem I've written is about sadness.
I feel like my problem is really just having too much energy and nothing to do with it. There is so little point in doing anything here, when it doesn't make me happy.
Me @ here:
/Depression is about being forced to work for no gain.
/Idealism only works as long as you are happy.
/Sacrificing oneself guarantees that you are unhappy, while not necessarily being helpful to anyone.
Monday, November 14, 2016
How can you reach a moving goalpost? Yell at it in confusion and cry if it doesn't stop.
I think I have figured out why I feel that nothing matter - it's because nothing does, in fact, matter. If you don't enjoy it, that is.
My typical cycle goes like this pull yourself together -> do hard work -> lose interest -> pull yourself together...
What I didn't really understand before is why I fall apart after work. Why do I suddenly lose interest in everything when in fact I should feel successful.
Well, now I understand that it's because there is no reward to it. All that my emotional side sees is do work->feel bad(tired)=> Don't do stuff that makes you feel bad. It doesn't sense any achievement in it and rightly so. Because usually the things I work for do not reach their conclusions. I value projects by what they result in in the end. By them adhering to the vision, which by the way changes by the minute. It's impossible to fulfill that vision, so of course my emotional side feels that it's useless. As long as the process itself doesn't become enjoyable, I am a slave to the previously described cycle, because nature has its methods of stopping us from doing useless things. Boredom is one of them.
Just so I would really understand the point - YOU CAN'T REACH A GOAL IF YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR MIND ABOUT WHAT IT IS.
I wonder if knowing this will eventually give me some direction. If I'll be able to figure out how to solve the problem or just stash this information away as a tip to give to others. Either way, I have won by thinking of this.
My typical cycle goes like this pull yourself together -> do hard work -> lose interest -> pull yourself together...
What I didn't really understand before is why I fall apart after work. Why do I suddenly lose interest in everything when in fact I should feel successful.
Well, now I understand that it's because there is no reward to it. All that my emotional side sees is do work->feel bad(tired)=> Don't do stuff that makes you feel bad. It doesn't sense any achievement in it and rightly so. Because usually the things I work for do not reach their conclusions. I value projects by what they result in in the end. By them adhering to the vision, which by the way changes by the minute. It's impossible to fulfill that vision, so of course my emotional side feels that it's useless. As long as the process itself doesn't become enjoyable, I am a slave to the previously described cycle, because nature has its methods of stopping us from doing useless things. Boredom is one of them.
Just so I would really understand the point - YOU CAN'T REACH A GOAL IF YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR MIND ABOUT WHAT IT IS.
I wonder if knowing this will eventually give me some direction. If I'll be able to figure out how to solve the problem or just stash this information away as a tip to give to others. Either way, I have won by thinking of this.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
A path to oblivion? To light? To something.
I don't show my pain, because I'm afraid of the toll it would put on others. It's still there.
One of the things I fear the most is being a burden. I don't want expressing my pain to be a plead for attention, like it is for so many. I still want attention. I'm trying to not be selfish, but it doesn't change that I still need something for myself too. Something that I'm not sure if anyone can provide. Even if there are people capable of helping me, am I worth the help to them? Am I someone that can be pulled up from this hole or will I just pull the other person down to my level? I don't want to pull them down. It's bad enough to pity oneself, it would be even worse if the weight on my conscience were heavier.
It's disgusting how I look at new love as a chance. As if it could fill the emptiness in me. Sure, I could blame many, but I still mostly blame myself. I am not powerful enough to change the world, so I can't blame it either. Blame is useless in things that you can't change. If you're not going to help, then why make the burden worse for others by whining? Hence why I don't show this blog to anyone except those I feel I really trust. Those that hopefully won't use my thoughts against me and break me down.
Well, writing things out like this is helpful. It does make things easier to understand, because when we write, we structure our thoughts. Perhaps that's my path? Perhaps I should give form to what I and others care so deeply about, but fail to express?
In any case, I have several paths that I've considered, but failed to truly decide on:
1. Programming.
2. Helping people(somehow?)
3. Something with languages, like a translator, interpreter or linguist.
4. Business.
5. Creating worlds(somewhat pairs with programming, but can also be through writing).
y. Others
Whatever it is I eventually do, it must be something that fulfills me.
One of the things I fear the most is being a burden. I don't want expressing my pain to be a plead for attention, like it is for so many. I still want attention. I'm trying to not be selfish, but it doesn't change that I still need something for myself too. Something that I'm not sure if anyone can provide. Even if there are people capable of helping me, am I worth the help to them? Am I someone that can be pulled up from this hole or will I just pull the other person down to my level? I don't want to pull them down. It's bad enough to pity oneself, it would be even worse if the weight on my conscience were heavier.
It's disgusting how I look at new love as a chance. As if it could fill the emptiness in me. Sure, I could blame many, but I still mostly blame myself. I am not powerful enough to change the world, so I can't blame it either. Blame is useless in things that you can't change. If you're not going to help, then why make the burden worse for others by whining? Hence why I don't show this blog to anyone except those I feel I really trust. Those that hopefully won't use my thoughts against me and break me down.
Well, writing things out like this is helpful. It does make things easier to understand, because when we write, we structure our thoughts. Perhaps that's my path? Perhaps I should give form to what I and others care so deeply about, but fail to express?
In any case, I have several paths that I've considered, but failed to truly decide on:
1. Programming.
2. Helping people(somehow?)
3. Something with languages, like a translator, interpreter or linguist.
4. Business.
5. Creating worlds(somewhat pairs with programming, but can also be through writing).
y. Others
Whatever it is I eventually do, it must be something that fulfills me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)