Why I don't talk

There are reasons to why I keep separate. In the past I used to think that it's not my choice, but by now I think it is. I choose to be alone because there is nothing to be had from this. Well, most of the time.

For me it's difficult to socialize with most people. When I was little I didn't care about what people think and this made things easy. But as time went on I got bullied for it. For practically my whole life I've been bullied both mentally and physically for who I am. It's not much of a wonder then that I don't like people, or is it?
Logically, the solution was conforming. I still know how to get along with people that are utterly useless and draining to me.
But I don't want to. That's the key. I don't want to be a fake and whenever I force myself it makes me hate myself.
From this perspective it makes sense to rather be alone that keep hurting yourself. But it's not like this was ever easy. People need to socialize, even those that think they don't. No matter how I tell myself it doesn't matter, it actually does. The reason is quite biological. Humans are social animals and when we get cut off we go mad.
I just wish there were more people I could talk to. I don't like being a liar, but at times it feels like that's the only way to get along. Sure, it's not technically lying to them if I treat people the way they want me to, but that doesn't console me. I hate lying to myself and this is enough of a reason. I hate putting effort into people that are not worth it. But I also don't like being alone. At times this has made me quite desperate.
It's hard for me to understand why it has to be like this. Despite all the reasons I've thought up, I still don't truly know. I still don't know how to be so that it would not strain me, but would also not scare away people.

I'm told that I look scary when I don't smile. But perhaps that's how I am? I am not used to smiling, not after I specifically learned to hide my emotions to prevent abuse. Yet, all the reasons I might have feel irrelevant here, because it's not for me to judge. If I look scary, then that's hardly something that I can ignore myself. And expecting others to ignore a part of me that to them seems so significant is just delusional.

On another note, I've started to dislike the design of my blog. It looked good when I made it this way, but now I find it harder to read this font. Still, I am hesitant to change it.
Well, whatever.