On some fictional science

When I look at my google drive something stands out to me: a folder called "Capital Ships". There's just something about this name that makes me envision huge behemoths duking it out. Not just ships, but the best ships of each fleet. The kind that cost dozens of times as much as most others. The kind that can singlehandedly decide how a battle between fleets turns out. It's not really hard for me to picture this kind of power.
Visions like this are, for me, glimpses to the past. I don't really have the kind of imagination that I did when I was small, so having some of it break through to me is unusual. I still think about science fiction in my own way, but nowadays it's more about the technologies involved and sometimes the kinds of creatures that might exist. My visions have become less mighty and more mundane.
However, through the mundane I have been able to understand my created world better. What are those huge balls of energy that I saw in Star Sonata? In that game they call them pulse guns. At one point I realized though, that my pulse guns are less like the orbs of shock from Star Sonata and more like balls of fiery plasma. Thus, I decided at one point that I should codify their technology.

The way my pulse guns work is that a ball of super-heated plasma is enclosed in a magnetic or gravitic field. This field is then propelled somehow toward the target. Some really advanced guns of this kind can also change their projectiles' direction while in flight.
What's notable about this technology is that while we are used to having fields remain around the machine that created them, these fields do not. Although they may be created the normal way, they actually use the extreme energy of plasma to keep themselves going. The mechanism for it is somewhat similar to how a balloon keeps shape when filled with water - it's the pressure of the water pushing outwards that keeps the water from dispersing. Plasma works the same way here.

Later on I realized that this technology could really be used for many things. Although hot plasma is not easy to come by, some versions of this technology don't need it.
A huge advantage of being able to control fields like this is that you don't need to propel matter in order to create thrust. Thus, the same technology can be used in a different way as engines for ships. With a relatively small device you can gravitize(as a parallel to magnetizing) entire ships. Energy cost is relative to mass of the ship, but that's not a fundamental problem, as that applies with most kinds of propulsion.
Due to not needing any reaction mass this propulsion method has huge efficiency gains over chemical thrusters. The efficiency gains mostly apply for longer-distance travel, but that isn't really rare in the days when humans know of hundreds of habitable planets.

Happiness is oblivion

The way I think varies wildly based on how I feel. It's related to a trait of mine I call the "Mosaic Mind", which I won't bother with elaborating right now.
One notable difference is that when I feel bad in the longer term(read: depression) I start to look at things very logically. It feels like it's objective, but it's not because it actually disregards the emotional aspects.
However, when I feel well I don't even think about all those problems that I supposedly have. Today is one of those days. It makes me feel that all I really need to do is just forget, instead of desperately trying to figure out a plan. Maybe the bad times are really just a result of overthinking things and I would be better off caring less.
It certainly took a lot of anime to reach this point though. :)

Depressed person watches anime. You won't believe what happens next! /s

First I should mention as clarification my sleeping schedule. It rotates if I let it. Usually the rotation is up to 1 hour per day, so in 24 days I should theoretically do a full circle. In practice that's not how it really works, since at times the rotation stops.
The day before yesterday I woke up at 20. That is, 8 PM. During the night after that I watched the first season of Attack on Titan, which is 25 episodes and all that currently exists, considering that the next season will start airing this year.
The following day I had some things that I needed to do, so I didn't go to sleep the time I normally would have. At 15 (which is 3 PM) I went to sleep and woke up at 23 (11 PM). That night I watched the entire Charlotte. That's 13 episodes.
The length of a standard episode of anime is 20 minutes, considering that I skip the intros most of the time.
So in other words, yesternight I watched 500 minutes of anime, which is a little under 8 hours with no pauses. Today I did the same, but it was 260 minutes, which is 4 hours and 20 minutes.
By this point I feel good.

I've noticed that watching anime is one of the few things that consistently helps against depression. Might not work for others, but it does help me. So it takes around 2 nights of anime to really feel good. I wonder how long the effect will last. It's probably a good idea to take note when the effect wears off. That is, if I don't watch any more the next few days.

Why I don't talk

There are reasons to why I keep separate. In the past I used to think that it's not my choice, but by now I think it is. I choose to be alone because there is nothing to be had from this. Well, most of the time.

For me it's difficult to socialize with most people. When I was little I didn't care about what people think and this made things easy. But as time went on I got bullied for it. For practically my whole life I've been bullied both mentally and physically for who I am. It's not much of a wonder then that I don't like people, or is it?
Logically, the solution was conforming. I still know how to get along with people that are utterly useless and draining to me.
But I don't want to. That's the key. I don't want to be a fake and whenever I force myself it makes me hate myself.
From this perspective it makes sense to rather be alone that keep hurting yourself. But it's not like this was ever easy. People need to socialize, even those that think they don't. No matter how I tell myself it doesn't matter, it actually does. The reason is quite biological. Humans are social animals and when we get cut off we go mad.
I just wish there were more people I could talk to. I don't like being a liar, but at times it feels like that's the only way to get along. Sure, it's not technically lying to them if I treat people the way they want me to, but that doesn't console me. I hate lying to myself and this is enough of a reason. I hate putting effort into people that are not worth it. But I also don't like being alone. At times this has made me quite desperate.
It's hard for me to understand why it has to be like this. Despite all the reasons I've thought up, I still don't truly know. I still don't know how to be so that it would not strain me, but would also not scare away people.

I'm told that I look scary when I don't smile. But perhaps that's how I am? I am not used to smiling, not after I specifically learned to hide my emotions to prevent abuse. Yet, all the reasons I might have feel irrelevant here, because it's not for me to judge. If I look scary, then that's hardly something that I can ignore myself. And expecting others to ignore a part of me that to them seems so significant is just delusional.

On another note, I've started to dislike the design of my blog. It looked good when I made it this way, but now I find it harder to read this font. Still, I am hesitant to change it.
Well, whatever.

The strength to be good

Recently I've been pondering a complicated topic.
The kind of person I am has an easy time understanding others, if I really want to. However, the price of it is something that I've never really been able to carry. As a result I've become cold, or at least learned to act as if I were.
In order to listen to someone there are 2 ways. One of them is that you simply don't care, in which case they may blabber about whatever as long you get your selfish gain. But this isn't really listening. It's only in order to fool those that are already hurt enough as is.
The other way is really caring and putting aside your own thoughts, so as to focus on how they think and how it makes sense to them. Not judging is crucial.
However, judging is a defense mechanism for us all. It's easier to keep a distance from someone if you judge them and this distance matters at least to some degree.
Think about how horrible it would be if you cared personally about every starving child in Africa. Or about the thousands dying in war zones. Or the victims of domestic abuse. Or the socially neglected in depression. It would be unbearable, so we don't do this. Instead we pay for this by constructing a world view that does not reflect reality. We lie to ourselves, but we believe our lies, because they make it easier to live.

However, illusions are not the only way to cope with truly caring about someone. The only good way that I know is having been through the same problems as that person and having surpassed those things. If you really know how to solve a problem for yourself, you become invulnerable to that same problem in other people and this lets you really care about them without being hurt by their issues. Not that it would be easy...

Cold outside, warm inside, the fact not for anyone to see.

I imagine people asking me "But Xonok, why are you so cold if you want people to understand you?"
Well, that's just how I am. As strange as it may be, I don't want the kind of respect that implies me to be high and mighty, because in the end it would be all the same. I don't want people to understand me as little as I understand them and to give me such.. distance. Wherever the notion came from that emotional distance = respect, I don't agree with it. The greatest respect for me is curiosity.
So as strange as it may be, despite my coldness I am warm inside. I am cold because I'm not used to showing my emotions, or who I am. I don't think I'm even a bad person. It's just that I find it a lot of effort to let emotions get out.There was a time in my life when I was harassed for being emotional, so now I no longer know how unless I think about it.
But who knows. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to under-stimulation that I really do not feel anything. That all those things I think I feel are just minor compared to other people.
Intellectually I understand people, but emotionally I don't. Yet I deceive myself by telling that I do. When I'm especially desperate or elated I might even tell someone else so.

My greatest challenge right now is loneliness. Some people say that it's better to live without people, but those are always the people that have socialization forced onto them. I'm the other way around - unless I specifically make it happen, I don't get to see almost anyone. It's horrible what kind of damage being alone can do to a person and yet no one appears to notice. As if people who stick to themselves truly wanted to be alone. I don't know any such people. As strange as it may be. (here, did I repeat it enough? My authoritarian manner of speech deceives too many, so I must spam disclaimers)

Conquering Depression

At times I feel helpless. It's difficult to describe how it feels to a person that has control over themselves. How can you explain it when everything is just... empty?
Logic doesn't apply when it's the emotions that are the problem. Technically false, but feels so true.
The problem with what I feel is that it takes away all motivation to fix it. Technically there are numerous ways, but depression is unique in the way that it's the only disease to cripple your willpower.
What happens if you get a physical trauma? You can use sheer willpower to eventually come back to your normal life. This applies to almost any kind of physical trauma because even if you can't be exactly as you were before, you can still improve greatly.
Mental diseases? If you have Alzheimer's there are ways to refresh your memory. Put stickers on things if you forget their names. Take notes of things that happen so you can remember them later.
For most diseases there is always something that you can do. For depression this applies too. But the problem with depression is how it convinces you there is no hope. A lack of hope is the most crippling disability there is.
But in the end what matters is not how you feel, but how you channel your feelings. If you can just get your feelings out, your life will get better. With depression the way to get back to life is to prove to yourself how you can do something. Channeling your feelings to something, anything, can get you moving. As long as you do anything it doesn't get nearly as bad and so by channeling your feelings you can break out.
Hence, I wrote a poem. Creative writing is one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done and my best writings were always from times when it was truly hard to keep going.

∞
Oh dear, we have potential
Us, humans, but so broken.
What a fine world,
to not conquer.
It always swirls,
yet remains unspoken.
Granted us by gods,
but now just taken.

From our ceasing words,
no longer feel the warmth.
The passion burns,
but only as temper.

I wish we'd heed the call of this melody,
Grasp the straws and be gratified.
Like a fool, but uplifted.

In times we feel well,
but usually live in cells,
of our existence so frail,
from these bars can't bail.
Yet at times can fly,
view the world from up high,
Realistically - before we die.

We are forsaken,
or so believe,
but are mistaken,
hopefully.

Why are we confined to chains of emptiness?
Who gets the gains from our sadness?
From our hollow hearts empty of happiness?
From the nights lost to sleeplessness?

It feels all in vain,
but to this sadness,
we give our tribute,
in sheer madness.