Elegia

Am I a great soul, or is it just an illusion? If I am, then does it mean that greatness must always come through suffering?

Am I a great soul, or is it just an illusion? If I am, then does it mean that greatness must always come through suffering?

Oh how messy is life...

We all wish for love. Yet, few actually get it. Some don't know that they want it. Some have simply lost hope. Still, we all need it.

Some time ago, there used to be a person in my life, whom I now miss so dearly. Just this one person. I have many muses, most of them silent by now. Yet, only this specific one matters to me anymore. 
I wish for this one person to come back to my life. This one person who knows my soul better than I do and would now have the right to change it. 

/Take me apart, put me back together. If you survive it, then you're the one. - Me @ here.

Mental weariness (how I was wrong)

I have often thought that one of my biggest problems is the inability to not think. Essentially this is true and thus I was, for a long time, not able to see the problem clearly.
It is true, that I am unable to avoid thinking at least most of the time, but it is not because I've already spent all my energy. It is because I have spent half of it.

This creates a situation where I feel like doing something, but am unable to do anything that is actually complicated. Basically, I am tired, but not enough to actually force my mind to rest.
Due to this reason, I have needed to practice meditation before most big efforts. Meditation allows me to shut down my thoughts for a while, so I can gather some strength.

The weakness of meditation is that it requires actively perceiving myself, which is not so easy to do all the time. It doesn't specifically take energy, but it does take concentration.

Anyways, I have once again learned something about myself. Maybe it will delay my eventual insanity?

/There is little need for knowledge, but a lot of need for understanding. We already have enough knowledge for most of our needs, but too many have forgot how to understand. Me@Here.

Time and Thought

My motivations have always been based on some lacking qualities of others. This forces me to do something that is actually useful to people. However, it also means that I have a hard time with anyone who doesn't actually need me. I don't want to be a burden and thus, I choose to stay back as things happen around me.
As a mage, I put a lot of emphasis on the importance of understanding and the cost in time that it means. That makes me act slow or rushed when time is pressing on. However, it also allows me to solve problems and understand ideas that few others can.
Due to those things, I sometimes rush into the action and get smashed. This has made me very cautious and created a drive in me to take more time whenever things get tough. However, it too has it's disadvantages. I can be caught in a never-ending loop of taking more time, but failing to finish things due to more responsibilities piling up. I need time, but I don't always get it.

Questions are just disguised lies

I see a world. A world without words. Is this life? Is this death?
Do I see meaning, or is it just an illusion? A life of lies is not even an illusion.
What are words without truth? What is silence without darkness?
What is darkness, if not truth? What are words, if not noise?
There are no words that can truly say something. Words can never be enough.

Is there feeling without lies? Is there knowledge without deceit?
Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is ever simple - Never, what it seems.

There is only darkness.

Shadows in my mind

The shadows in me are gathering. For a long time, I thought that my misery comes from some strange kind of superiority. However, as it seems now, it has been nothing more but self-deceit. There is something that I've been hiding from myself and now it's tearing me apart. This is the ultimate reason why I lack almost any kind of motivation at the moment. I have lost balance.

However, I will still try my best to achieve. My mind may be infested by horrors, but not my will. For some strange reason, I'm purposefully trying to develop attacker traits in myself.

/Knowledge is just another illusion for making us lazy. - Me @ Here.

Introspection

For some reason we seem to believe, that by capturing every detail of something, we can capture the meaning of it. Foolishly we cling to this hope, often not understanding that greater forms are often simpler. It is not always needed to know every detail in order to see the patterns.
Some call it God, some call it Order. They are of no difference to me. The world is quite logical, even though the logic seems messy to human eyes.

I fear judgement. Maybe it is not right for me to be in school at the moment? Perhaps this is not what I need. I know why I have still so far chosen to be here - fear of the unknown. I do not know what I would do if I wasn’t here doing exactly what I am doing now. I am foolish, because by staying here I do not actually follow my own path. Yet, I criticize this very path that I walk, because I hope it would someday be better. Perhaps not to me, but to those who walk on it after me.
Am I foolish to cling to this hope, or does it mean that I work for a greater good? I don’t really know.

I hope that someday I will be useful to someone.
Indeed, I am so today, but so far I only have what will pass. Will I eventually find something that can stand the test of time? I wish I knew the answers...
My life is just a ripple on the pond of life.

On various occasions in my life, people have called me wise. They say that I am more mature than most people of my age. Yet, I do not feel so. I feel I have been given some talents, but that in the end I am still a child. Then again, isn't everyone? We find ways to hide our true being, but do we actually succeed in changing ourselves?

/This life may be a walk in the park, but if so, then it is also so for the wolves. - Me at here.

Personality types(and me)

Is life a challenge or a scam? It is hard to know for sure.

In this world there are 3 main personalities that people can have. Each of them is categorized by the main (trait).
1. Tanks(durability) - Those people are very good at surviving through hardships, but usually do not like them, as they are not reckless(like type 2 are). They shield others from damage by sacrificing a part of themselves.
2. Attackers(drive/strength) - Often reckless and not caring about themselves, pure attackers know nothing but offense. This is their strength and weakness at the same time, as they often don't know when to stop fighting. This leads them to great achievements, but also makes them more likely to burn out.
3. Mages(contemplation) - Characterized by a strong ability to think things through, those people are the ultimate problem-solvers. While type 2 people are good at fighting back anything that has an effect, type 3 can solve a problem for good. However, they are fairly clumsy and often not very adaptive, as they need long periods of time to make a difference.

I belong to types 1 and 3, mostly 3. Due to my combination of tank(protection) and mage(thinking) I have become a sort of a healer. My life carries little meaning alone, because my strength lies in helping others. This has, on numerous occasions, turned my life miserable.
I don't really have a point when I can't help others, because it has become a part of my life and a reason for effort.