Time and Thought

My motivations have always been based on some lacking qualities of others. This forces me to do something that is actually useful to people. However, it also means that I have a hard time with anyone who doesn't actually need me. I don't want to be a burden and thus, I choose to stay back as things happen around me.
As a mage, I put a lot of emphasis on the importance of understanding and the cost in time that it means. That makes me act slow or rushed when time is pressing on. However, it also allows me to solve problems and understand ideas that few others can.
Due to those things, I sometimes rush into the action and get smashed. This has made me very cautious and created a drive in me to take more time whenever things get tough. However, it too has it's disadvantages. I can be caught in a never-ending loop of taking more time, but failing to finish things due to more responsibilities piling up. I need time, but I don't always get it.

Questions are just disguised lies

I see a world. A world without words. Is this life? Is this death?
Do I see meaning, or is it just an illusion? A life of lies is not even an illusion.
What are words without truth? What is silence without darkness?
What is darkness, if not truth? What are words, if not noise?
There are no words that can truly say something. Words can never be enough.

Is there feeling without lies? Is there knowledge without deceit?
Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is ever simple - Never, what it seems.

There is only darkness.

Shadows in my mind

The shadows in me are gathering. For a long time, I thought that my misery comes from some strange kind of superiority. However, as it seems now, it has been nothing more but self-deceit. There is something that I've been hiding from myself and now it's tearing me apart. This is the ultimate reason why I lack almost any kind of motivation at the moment. I have lost balance.

However, I will still try my best to achieve. My mind may be infested by horrors, but not my will. For some strange reason, I'm purposefully trying to develop attacker traits in myself.

/Knowledge is just another illusion for making us lazy. - Me @ Here.

Introspection

For some reason we seem to believe, that by capturing every detail of something, we can capture the meaning of it. Foolishly we cling to this hope, often not understanding that greater forms are often simpler. It is not always needed to know every detail in order to see the patterns.
Some call it God, some call it Order. They are of no difference to me. The world is quite logical, even though the logic seems messy to human eyes.

I fear judgement. Maybe it is not right for me to be in school at the moment? Perhaps this is not what I need. I know why I have still so far chosen to be here - fear of the unknown. I do not know what I would do if I wasn’t here doing exactly what I am doing now. I am foolish, because by staying here I do not actually follow my own path. Yet, I criticize this very path that I walk, because I hope it would someday be better. Perhaps not to me, but to those who walk on it after me.
Am I foolish to cling to this hope, or does it mean that I work for a greater good? I don’t really know.

I hope that someday I will be useful to someone.
Indeed, I am so today, but so far I only have what will pass. Will I eventually find something that can stand the test of time? I wish I knew the answers...
My life is just a ripple on the pond of life.

On various occasions in my life, people have called me wise. They say that I am more mature than most people of my age. Yet, I do not feel so. I feel I have been given some talents, but that in the end I am still a child. Then again, isn't everyone? We find ways to hide our true being, but do we actually succeed in changing ourselves?

/This life may be a walk in the park, but if so, then it is also so for the wolves. - Me at here.

Personality types(and me)

Is life a challenge or a scam? It is hard to know for sure.

In this world there are 3 main personalities that people can have. Each of them is categorized by the main (trait).
1. Tanks(durability) - Those people are very good at surviving through hardships, but usually do not like them, as they are not reckless(like type 2 are). They shield others from damage by sacrificing a part of themselves.
2. Attackers(drive/strength) - Often reckless and not caring about themselves, pure attackers know nothing but offense. This is their strength and weakness at the same time, as they often don't know when to stop fighting. This leads them to great achievements, but also makes them more likely to burn out.
3. Mages(contemplation) - Characterized by a strong ability to think things through, those people are the ultimate problem-solvers. While type 2 people are good at fighting back anything that has an effect, type 3 can solve a problem for good. However, they are fairly clumsy and often not very adaptive, as they need long periods of time to make a difference.

I belong to types 1 and 3, mostly 3. Due to my combination of tank(protection) and mage(thinking) I have become a sort of a healer. My life carries little meaning alone, because my strength lies in helping others. This has, on numerous occasions, turned my life miserable.
I don't really have a point when I can't help others, because it has become a part of my life and a reason for effort.

Follow-up: Hope?

Perhaps the reason I feel so powerless is that I am on the edge of my capabilities? It would explain everything that I can think of in this moment.
Perhaps I am simply so stressed out that I no longer know how to lie down and relax? It simply makes sense now...

Exhaustion washes over me. I feel somewhat worse, but at least the pain is gone. It's as if I was slumbering towards death...

Finding reason in my life once again. Just like I've done many times...

Some people always wish to judge. The point of their life is, apparently, to quantify and qualify. To such people it is painful to not know something, because it gives them no chance to judge.
Am I like this? Sometimes I feel like I contain everything that I hate, so it might be so. Yet, I do not see how it would apply in this case. Maybe eventually I will(?)

Being everything to everyone is so messy...(me)

Sometimes challenges are the best teachers. This can never be seen by those who don't undertake them.

I tried to find myself through finding others. I didn't actually realize back then, that it's not to be done like that. We are defined by those around us, whether we want it or not.

Why did I give myself up? Why have I been giving myself up for all this time? I used to be a cheerful little child. Little of it is left and now I see that I changed away from it slowly, but surely. Why did I think it better to change towards the worse?

Some things are much easier to see when you don't have them.

Practice stupidity or you won't know how to avoid it.

In search of others I almost lost myself. I did not know who I am and thus, was never really able to understand anyone else either. However, I have now looked over my blog and realized, that the answer had been under my nose all along.
I changed, because I wanted to understand others. In doing so, I turned colder and showed out less. This is why I am like I am.
It was so easy, I just didn't know it.

I started writing this post right after the previous. Yet, I now know so much that I didn't know just a few hours into the past.

Changing away from myself

Times have changed me and the world inside me.
I feel I'm no longer who I used to be and this was further proven when I read the first few posts of this very blog.
My grammar and anything that can be technically measures has improved. Yet, I feel like I've lost something.
I wish to be the cheerful child that I used to be. Indeed, I did have my dark moment back then too. I still do, but back then they weren't everything.
I'm stronger and smarter than I've ever been, but it now feels like it has all turned against me. My brain is so full of connections that I see my faults much too well. Perhaps I am still good at giving critique, but what does it give to me? What does it give to others?
I lack any actual interest in almost anything, so I have forced myself to act as if I had.

Oh the hollow feeling inside...
I just wish I still felt what the point of my life is... Just as I used to.